Masquerade

Part Seventeen: The safety of the old

I stumble through the door, I don't know how I got back here, maybe I just stumbled with luck in here, my head just screams now. The little table in corridor has to be my crutch for moment.

Why do I feel so cold? So alone?

What the fuck is up with me?

I have to get to my room, only the stairs up and I can feel home once again, get this feeling of being safe.

Home?

Something cramps up in me, home? There is nothing such like that, never again, I will never again ...

My thoughts stop, walkie time, not talkie.

I try to get up the stairs, tripping with every step, both my legs burn and itch,
my whole body feels empty, can't I just lay down here?

Suddenly it feels so much easier, just like I got powered up by something and not too long after I reached my door, slamming in it with my body

The door opens, suddenly a bright light falls in and I suddenly feel warm once again.
I fall to the ground.
Someone runs over the wooden floor, I feel sick once again, I just face the floor, unable to lift my heavy head.
"Mija!",
"You are not real, you are not her".
She doesn't listen, why can't she leave? Why do I have to wish that my own mother leaves, why do I have to hate her image?
"Are you crying again, mija? They didn't bully again, did they?".

Everything wants to run to her, hug her, cry into her shoulder, be a little girl again.

Be a normal weirdo again.

And I cant resist, I give in, dragging myself into her directions, my heart bumping in ecstasy, I can only cry while robbing across the wooden flooring, my legs numb but I only want one thing now.

This hug, the embrace of safety it gives, the scent of a family that will never break.

And it gives me everything as I finally reach it, as I lift my head to look at her, her glasses, her eyes that have the color of walnuts.
I lay there, looking at her in her scrubs, as she lifts me up and hugs me.
I want to forget, forget what happened, forget that this is just a dream.

The only thing I want is to just want imagine that my biggest problem at the moment are the bullies at my old school, that nothing happened. So, I cry, just cry into her shoulder while gripping her back, never wanting to leave.

But as soon as I hear the door creaks I just cant hold up this fantasy.

Nothing good lasts forever, does it?

"Honey, I am home, oh, you are already home too, Luz?", the man just chuckles, opening his big arms for a family hug.

Big, soft, warm hands and a loving smile.
Black suit pants, a white shirt and the black jacket with the pin.
This white-blue pin.
Why did you have to have this much patriotic spirit for a country where everyone betrays everyone.

Dad

And so, it burns once again an image in my mind.

Us, hugging, the black jacket at the floor, his tie skew and him enthusiastic talking about something from wrong.

"Please", I can no longer stand, I just crash to the floor, every power left once again, I'm broken, not the little girl of them anymore, I saw and did things, it just feels wrong to act like this.
Never again, who could love me like this? I stiffen up, you shouldn't love people like me, even as parents.

Both look down at me, smiling, as they can't know, never gonna know.
Dad kneels down a bit, so he can face me.
He lays a hand on my check and slowly caresses it.
"Did they hurt you again, mija?",
"I think the teachers don't do anything about it, Manuel", he looks at my mom and then back at me.
He chuckles, his eyes filled with this hope and trust.
"I promise you, mija, a Noceda doesn't stop until his family is safe, not until you can be yourself in school".

You should have stopped, you unknowingly sacrificed us for our safety.
But do I feel anger? Hate?
No, he didn't think it would end everything, this family, my life as a Noceda, my innocence.

I should hold it in, not say anything, he wouldn't be proud, wouldn't understand me, but now I just want to end this.

"Dad?", he looks at me like he did it every time, he was proud at me, his little mija the class best,
"What do you wanna tell me, mija?".

"I killed one of them, the one who killed Jenkins".

He still looks at me with the same expression, nods his head, just like doesn't understands a thing I just said.
And it suddenly changes again, the open view changes, slats in front of me and the faint smell of lavender in the air.
I just close my eyes, why did I have to disturb it?
Now it comes down again.
Wood splinters, a rough voice screams.
"Shouldn't have done this, Noceda" and then the staccato, the silence, the hasty, raspy breaths, the wet coughing.
I just roll myself up, cover my ears and sob.

"I ... I lov..." another cough and deep breath, it sounds like someone tries to vomit and talk,
"I will forever love you, mija, forgive me" it is quiet and his voice shatters for a moment.

And I am out of the closet, back in the living room, the carpet feels sticky to walk on, I just look down at both of them.

"You were too good for this world, I understand that now, you can leave, just leave, like everyone does, they all do".
I look him into his eyes, a tear from my face drops down on his, leaving a little trail.
"Why did you have to be the best dad until the last minute?"