Masquerade

Eighteen: Why so stiff, Blight?

I violently shake awake as another nightmare plagues my sleep.
Sitting up straight I try to catch my breath, shoving the thoughts out of my head.

I press my arms around my breast, trying to warm myself out of this cold feeling.
Slowly my whole body begins to shiver and the only thing that breaks the ice is a warm, salty drop rolling from my eye to my chin and finally dropping on my arm.

My breathes come out just ragged and short, it feels like something slowly presses every our out of my lungs.

Scrambling out of my bed I land on the floor, just wanting to get in air, but as cold sweat runs down my body I just get shorter and shorter breaths, tears of anguish slowly dripping on the floor while I just kneel there, holding myself up with my arms.

As it goes on I see how something slowly slithers out of the shadows.

„Why?" I try to scream with raspy voice, but out comes only a high squeak, it just stands there, not saying a word.

Due to my arms beginning to shake I collapse onto my side, trying to get at least some air in, I clamp at my throat, choking tears now taking over, my heart just beating out of order.

Panics grips more and more of my mind and I franticly swipe with my right arm over the floor to grab something, just something, my left hand still holding my throat trying to close the last air in my lungs.

And finally there is something I get my hold on.
But as I pull it close to me, so I can see it in the light the moon reflects into my room I realize what it is .

A part of a clothes line, the endings tapped.

I dont know how long I stared at it, but as I slowly come out of my catatonic state I am still lying on the floor, now some rays of sunlight already piercing the colored glass of the attic room.

My whole body just hurts like one open wound, maybe this isn't even far from reality, kneading my temples I end up on my bed.

„How did this life become such a goddamn mess?"

You know it

I try to ignore the voice.

You made this mess yourself

„I know, every fucking crack of the mirror that my personality is, I am responsible for.

No answer back, just again the silence, while I watch the little particles of dust dancing in the sun.
Again a morning I feel so empty inside, those were rare at the beginning, weren't they?
„Well, growing up means just that besides your body your lifestyle slowly deteriorate" I whisper to myself while still sitting there.

„And i made it until here, didn't I? And what did it cost?"

So much.

The annoying voice shimmers back in my head.
„Just leave me alone, let me rest at least until I have to go out again and be someone" I plead with a broken and cracked voice, nearly choking a bit as I feel a clump in my throat again.

You know the price, little miss ordinary.

I let my glance drift to my backpack, a light pain surges in my left thigh.

Eye for an eye, and blood for blood

Lifting my body slowly from the bed I am close to just falling over, the legs are close to just flopping over like wet cardboard.
So I stumble to my backpack and let my sand sack of a body crush close to it.

I search through the different pockets of it to just find it on the ground of the middle one.

I pull it out like its a ritual, the hilt misses both sides of the handle, only some rests of the plastic still hangs on it, the metal blade shines in the sun as I tilt it a bit in my hand.
Grabbing the gauze that lies beside it I begin to pull down my pants until I can see the five scars.

I breath sharp in, laying the blade on the first line-like scare and push the blade onto my skin and slice along the line, just cutting enough to cause a slow but steady stream of blood.

At first it just pills up to a crest-like form, but then collapse into itself and trickles down my leg.

I just watch it as it does, feeling the pain not even that much, after this much repetition it feels like setting something cold on your warm skin, but its still a somewhat strengthening sensation.

As is wrap my leg in gauze, I watch as it soaks up the blood, forming red roses on the white gauze, I never thought about stopping, it became routine after these nights.

Just don't cry anymore.

Never cry before school.

Everyone will notice, I know this with assurance and its not what I want.

I want fucking respect, fear, but not pity for the weak girl that cried her eyes out.

I stroke back my hair and get to the mirror in the room.

Time for the great show of Luz Noceda, may it be the best you will see.

Just do your morning routine and go, normal person, normal life.

This is how I end as one of the first ones at the school doors, surprised to see some tons of people already waiting.

„Dafuq" i mumble to myself, as I approach the scratched up crowd.
A banner flies over the heads of the cheered up crowd, to many talk to get some infos from some talks.

„Blast"

Just one word, no meaning, no sense.

What is going on here?

I get suddenly pulled to the side, Blights little messenger again.
„Amity wants to see you" she screams a bit quiet over the chatting crowd, I just let her guide me again.
As we stand before the door of the club again she just opens it and asks me with a hand gesture to get in.

She sits there again alone, but this time no book in hand, I don't have to ask why.

„Missed me, Miss Blight?", she seems surprised and a red shimmer lays on her cheeks,
„I just wanted to give you your ticket for the Blast", she quicklies answer gaining back her posture.
A ticket for what?

„Sorry, but I don't really understand all of this hype", I get closer to the table, a sheet of paper lays on it.
„For the Blast?", I just nod, trying to not look like a full fool.
She just chuckles, a trance grabs me, as I watch her hair shake. Bit and a little curly smile form on her lips.
I get ripped out of it, as she quickly switches back to her mask and she continues her rather dry talk.
„It is THE party of the year, organized in cooperation, everyone wants to get in, this is why they all stand outside, get a ticket before all are gone".
Something is off, I saw some of us standing there, so why am I here?
„So why do I get one and the others not?".
It looks again like I took her by surprise, as she slowly blushes up again.
„I, well, .... I..." she stutters around and now its me who is taken by surprise.
"Why so stiff, Blight?" I say , maybe a bit little to coquettish, because she reacts immidietly

She slams both hands on the table,
„Because you are until now our only enforcer" she blurs out shoves the ticket into my direction.
By the time I grab it she seems to be red as a tomato, does she holds her breath?
„Could please leave now?", she breaths out in a high, quiet pitch.
I nod and turn to leave, but before leaving I turn around a last time,
„See you there, Blight, will be a pleasure", I Twink at her, only to see her crumble, a bit again.

She is a bit weird but also so goddamn cute, fuck, but way out of my league.
In my thoughts and with a fast pace I tackle into someone on my way down the hall.
„Watch it, fucker";
„Oh, I'm sorry", someone reaches out a hand,
„I am not disabled, dude, I can stand up alone".
I look at him, curled, blonde hair, a more defined face, average height and build.
He reaches out a hand.
„I think you are our new fighter? Luz?", i look at the hand but grab and shake it,
„Guess so",
„My name is Zander, Zander Haistings, one of the vices",
„Luz, Luz Pittsburgh" i say as I shake his hand.
He seems somewhat honest and nice, what a contrast to most of the people here,
maybe someone trustworthy?