18 - h.s

six

Sophia Elliott

I shouted out a goodbye to Louis, already half-way down the hall and turned my head over my shoulder to see Harry still stood in the same position as he was when I bolted, Louis looking between us with a confused expression. Harry continued to stare in my direction as I whipped my head back round and practically ran out to my car.

I slammed my car door shut, probably harder than I should have done, and forcefully placed my hands on the wheel, resting my head on top of them and tried to catch my breath back. I took a long, deep breath and screwed my eyes shut. 

I felt an all to familiar feeling rise in my stomach as I screwed my eyes shut even tighter, if it were possible and tried to control my breathing, which was honestly seeming impossible at this exact moment.

No, not right now for fuck sake. I really don't want to have a fucking anxiety attack in my car in the school parking lot. 

I really need to start to identify my triggers here, one of them must be Harry, it's got to be, the feeling of anxiety only started after he joined mine and Louis' conversation. But that can't be the only thing, that wouldn't make sense to explain my little episode the other evening with Aria. 

My brain just felt so overloaded that I couldn't think straight, my heart was pounding out of my chest as if I had just ran a marathon three times.

"Hey, you okay?" I heard a familiar voice question as I sensed a presence at my car window, I sighed and pulled my head back, leaning it on the seat, however still keeping my hands gripped tightly at the wheel. 

I turned my head slowly to face the blonde boy, who was now leaning against the ledge of my open window, a concerned look growing on his face. His eyes flashed with a look of worry as he leaned in closer to take a look over me and make sure I was okay. 

Harry could never.

I tried to control my breathing to a quieter volume and a less ragged pace, trying to not make it noticeable what was going on, I really didn't feel like embarrassing myself right now, not even more after what just went on in there. I turned the corners of my lips up into the warmest smile I could and beamed back at him, my eyes trying to confirm to him that I was all good, I really didn't need nor want any fuss from anyone. I never do with these things but Aria always refuses to leave me when I get like this, I don't have the best track record.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I tried to sound confident enough but it ended up sounding strained and forced. "I'm just a little tired." I shrugged, hoping that he would get the message and leave me alone to just cry in peace honestly. It's really what I needed right now, to tell the truth. "I'll be okay."

"Well, you're gripping the wheel so tight that you might actually break your hands," he pointed to my hands gripping at my steering wheel so tight that my knuckles turned white and were beginning to shake under the pressure of my grip. Oh shit. I didn't even realise that my grasp on the wheel got so tight, I was so in my head that it really didn't feel as though I was holding onto anything, it was like the wheel wasn't even physically there.

My eyebrows shot up in realisation of what I was doing and I immediately let go of the wheel and placed my hands in my lap, hoping he'd think nothing of it and leave me alone. It was nothing personal, Niall's actually nice when he wants to be, this clearly being one of those times, but when I get anxious, panicky or overwhelmed, I just like to be alone, and not suffocated. It was only when I removed my hands from the wheel that I noticed that I could't feel them anymore, explaining that I didn't feel that I was gripping onto the wheel so tight. The only person that tends to stick around with me until it passes was Aria. Apart from the other night, I don't even know what was so wrong the other night, it had been ages since I had felt an episode of anxiety that badly

"Oh," I scratched the back of my neck as my face began to turn red in embarrassment, my face running hot as Niall shot me another concerned look, as if he was saying he didn't believe me but he didn't push the matter any further which I was particularly grateful for, I could have let out a sigh of relief to be honest. 

"Nialler!" I heard a familiar holler come from behind him and I slammed the back of my head against the headrest and sighed, knowing I would hate what was about to come. Harry sauntered over to Niall, who spun on his heels, with his hands firmly in his pockets to face the noise that started travelling quickly in his direction. Harry then swung his arm around his shoulder, spinning Niall back round to face my car again, and keeping his arm there. "You cheating on me, babe?" he asked, flinging his hand up to his chest in mock offence. 

"Well, with this fine piece of ass, who wouldn't wanna give me a try?" Niall winked at me as I let myself smile at his remark, hanging my head down, still trying to avoid making any sort of eye contact or conversation with Harry. "Don't tell me you're cheating on H with me! Well, I gotta say, a pretty solid choice, I am clearly the winner here!" Niall motioned down to his body with both arms and breathed out a light chuckle, then folding them and shooting me a wink again. 

"Excuse me?" Harry whipped his arm that were once located on Niall's shoulder, earning an offended look from Niall as he shook his head, rolling his eyes at the same time. "I clearly win, I mean, come on, babe." Harry winked at me and ran his hand through his hair that was lightly slicked back but not with too much gel that it looked greasy or that it would be crusty to the touch. "Look at me," Harry smirked as I did as he told me, but only because I wanted to, not because he told me to.

As soon as my eyes made contact with Harry's, his smirk faltered and he leaned over to rest his hands on the ledge of the door where the window was rolled down. This really doesn't help my anxiety Harry. A confused but concerned look tainted Harry's features as he furrowed his eyebrows and looked at me dead in the eyes, his green ones then flicking all over my face to scan how I was feeling, then making their way back up to mine again, the minute they connected again, I felt a sharp pain through my chest which I didn't vocalise and hopefully didn't show in my face.

"Are you okay?" He asked with a hushed but incredibly sincere voice, as if he actually had an ounce of care for me within him. I almost laughed, as if. His eyes stared into mine as I tried to think about what the fuck was going on, why would he care if i'm okay? Do I not look alright? 

The longer I took to answer, instead of his face suggesting he was slowly growing more impatient with each second of silence that passed, he looked like he was growing more worried, leaning in to me closer, only by a few millimetres but it was enough to intimidate me even more. 

"yeah, fine." I deadpanned back, as I snapped my head to the side and looked straight forward, hoping he'd just give up and leave so I can drive home and have a breakdown by myself, the longer I was kept here, the less likely I could hold it together and like fuck am I having a breakdown in front of Harry, I'd never hear the end of it. The day that happens, I am officially at rock bottom and am never getting back up again. 

Harry leaned back away from the car window as i started the car up, almost startling him at how immediate I was being, it being completely obvious that I just wanted to leave, I looked at Niall who was still stood to harry's side, his arms crossed and a worried expression still on his face as he gave me a small but noticeable smile which I mirrored back, showing him that I wasn't leaving suddenly because of him, but I think he picked up it was Harry as my whole demeanour seemed to shift after he barged himself into our conversation.

I cleared my throat and quickly glanced at Harry for a split second and then directed my gaze back to Niall. 

"I've gotta go, sorry."