Caring for Dakota Knox

20

Dakota Knox

It was one of those intense and rare moments in life in which I actually enjoyed having someone over, like the "please come in and stay forever" kind of time. I had even bought furniture (that Harmony had actually helped me pick out) and practiced a hundred times the mushroom souffle, just for Tatum to give her thumbs up. And she did, because there was only a sense of comfort and happiness in that big dining room, as if the whole world had been washed out of black and grey and turned into colors. Maybe not everyone could've related to that, maybe it was just me. It's very likely it was, because it was just the two of us, and the sweet romantic glances of two mature women, that were taking all the chances after ten years of craving each other back.

Well, not everyone could've been as lucky as I was back then. Is that rude to say? but I think it was just the truth. Maybe if you were someone like me, who was lucky enough to meet someone like her, you could have felt that way too.

When you are like I was, and you find someone like her, it makes you think differently about yourself. Is that supposed to happen? Maybe it was a good thing that I had reflected that on myself for once in my life. 

Days before having Tatum sitting at my new table and laughing and smiling and caressing my thigh lovingly, I had really bad dreams. The worst ones. Most of them resulted in me waking up in the middle of the night with a cold sweat. Sometimes I was even shaking. It never happened to me before, not even as a teenager. 

That night she was spending with me, I did that for hours. Reflecting on myself. And there, I began to feel a deep sense of embarrassment and guilt for the things I had done in the past. Arguing with her for choosing a different school, giving the silent treatment, not being able to put myself together or not buying that ticket to Hawai'i. All the things I hadn't done, that I should've. Through college, and early adulthood I felt that emptiness that months before that very night Tatum had refilled, like time wasn't a thing and hadn't pass. 

Not just that, though. Also staying up late into the night with whatever girl I found and drinking, roaming around streets and bodies with only sexual intentions. Asking someone to love me and marry me because I knew that I deserved only mediocre relationships. All I thought about during that time was that girl, that face, the look in her brown eyes, her name. Tatum Bali Hayes. 

The combination of her and the amazing time we were having made me feel things that were so easy to explain but that I couldn't think out loud. 

"What are you thinking about?" she asked me

It was quarter past eleven, and after washing dishes we were sitting on the couch covered with a woolly dark blanket. I looked down from the ceiling and to her face.

"Do you really want to stay the night?" I asked her

She looked back at me with those wide and magical eyes before she answered.

"I want to be where you are. Anywhere you are" she told me, bold words wrapped in her shy voice.

I held her gaze for a while longer until she asked me if I was alright with it. If I was having a good time.

"Of course" I told her "I don't plan to make any excuse, and I don't want you to leave"

Even through the dark, I could see her lips part open. I knew what she wanted to say. I almost wished she could say them, while at the same time I was a little scared for them to come.

I wanted to tell her that I wanted her to be with me. And I wanted her to say that she wanted to stay, not only for that night, but as many as possible. That she wouldn't leave anymore. 

She didn't say anything, instead she kissed me and then stared at my lips and back to my eyes.

I wanted her to say those three words to me again. She hadn't said them since we were teenage sweethearts. I still wanted to hear them.

Maybe because I found myself happy again and wanted to have someone as wonderful as Tatum to tell me something I've never been honestly told in years so I could feel that it could mean something more that just meeting her again.

Maybe I wanted her to say it simply because that was the way I've always felt about her.

And then other feelings inside me that were so unfamiliar had began to arise. She said something about Dallas texting her again and wanting the relationship back, and then about a message in which her ex cracked a joke that made her laugh enough to almost drop the bad attitude towards her and start talking gently. She said she could never take her back, but that they ended up in better terms.

Jealousy. Insecurity, maybe? How come I had never found the way to text her for those past years? How come the strongest bond I've ever had (supposedly) died ten years before and I had done nothing to change that?

I was mostly jealous that Dallas was able to find a way I had completely evaded. 

"What's wrong? You are frowning" she asked, softly tapping my forehead with her index finger, her curious eyes finding mine.

"Nothing" I muttered, surprised at myself and she probed me again

"Did anything happen? Did I say something wrong?" She asked again

I couldn't help myself. I knew it was childish, I knew that for sure. But the fact that Dallas had had the chance of sharing her life with Tatum... it was hard to contain.

"You should tell Dallas you're with me now, then" I said, completely without thinking.

"What?" she said, surprised, "why?"

"I don't know" I muttered, staring at the black-mate lamp "because we are good now, and you guys are over"

"But..." she said, sounding confused "she is only my ex. And I got to end our relationship in good terms now. I don't have to tell her about my life, we are done"

"Right" I said, recognizing certain sarcasm in my voice "you don't have to tell anyone"

"what does that mean, Dakota?" she asked "Why are you so upset out of nowhere?" 

"Fuck" I let out, irritated, as I tried to cover up my own embarrassment "just never mind"

I continued staring at the lamp, and my wine glass, refusing to meet her gaze. It was a few moments before I felt her shift on the couch as she moved closer to me. Her arms rested on my chest as she reached over to touch my face, leaning in real close so I could smell the scent of the wine on her lips.

"Kotes"  she said, with a rare fraction of humor in her voice

"You are my now. No one will change that" she said, and my heart fluttered at her words. As if she had been reading my mind, her palms glided softly against the side of my cheeks as they turned over so she could stroke my skin.

"You've always made me the happiest" she said, kissing me on the cheek.

Tatum Hayes

"Get up" I told her, standing up, and holding my hand out to her. She looked up to me through her blonde strands of hair that had messily fallen on her beautiful face "Get up, come on. We can sleep in your bed"

Her bottom lip was caught by her teeth as she continued to look at me.

"Help me" she said. Something she always had been, demanding. And she got what she wanted, because I scooped her up and walked over to her bedroom.

She looked very tired. She hugged the sheets that I had strewn over her. She whispered up at me, just after closing her eyes and half asleep "You are the love of my life, Tatum Hayes". 

Maybe it had been a long day for her, trying to set up our date. She had woken up early that morning as she said to do the shopping and then go to work. She drifted off to sleep, her head against my shoulder.

I looked at her and wondered if that situation was real. I was glad it was happening. 

Being next to Dakota Knox in bed, that kind of thing, I was not planning on ruining again.