hikari means light

18

IZUKU POV

TW
- SELF HARM
- SELF DOUBT
- NIGHTMARES

I take a look at the small sharp bladed knife right infront of me. Its almost like it was calling my name- no. It was calling my name and the voices push me to listen. The voices sounded terrible. Loud, rude, offensive and mean. The voices wanted me to suffer. The calls of the small blade however seemed so sweet and innocent like they wanted to help me. To take away the pain.

This has happend lots of times before. It's not necessarily because I deserve it or to inflict pain on myself, which I do, but more as its just an instinct for when anything bad happens. Bad things always happen therefore those sweet 'helpful' voices of the blade stay.

(everytime I write the blade I think of tenchoblade lol only the pog ones know😏)

They voices always seem to go away for a bit after they're satisfied with the cut or cuts so I continue to do it.

I was counting earlier, how many I deserved for everytime I stupidly messed up.

40. I had counted I should make 40 cuts. 20 on each arm so its even. I reach for the blade

(I have something you'll never ever have)

taking it into my bathroom and locking the door. I go to the small cupboard under the sink and find all the essentials like soap and toothpaste and find the first aid kit. In the first aid kit I pull out some bandages and some alcohol wipes to later treat my arms. I sit over near the toilet and lean my arm over the bowel while I begin to cut.

1

2

7

14

20

29

All the sudden theres red. All I can see is red seaping out of my arms. I've counted 40 cuts all spread out across both my arms. All rationality had faded and I continued to cut. Once I came back to my senses I found more cuts then before. Alot more than I could count. There was the deep red blood everywhere and the metallic smell filled my nose as I got up to treat my arms. I stand up to see the toilet water a deep, deep red colour.

I clean, wrap my arms then quickly get rid of any evidence. I clean the blade

(I have.....the blade😏)

, put the first aid kit back in its spot, flush the toilet of its red water and make sure nowhere has any speck of blood on it.

I sigh with relief walking out of the bathroom and lay on my bed. I'm utterly exhausted.
Physically
Mentally
Internally
Emotionally
My back feels broken
My shoulder hurts
My stomach aches
My throat burns
My eyes feel strained
I feel hopeless
Worthless
Numb
I feel like im going to be sick
Im so so tired I could sleep for days if someone let me
My head hurts
My heart feels cold
Im cold

I can't- I don't know what to do I just lay there with my eyes half open as I face the wall. A few moments later I hear footsteps of someone coming to the door.

"Hey zuku I see you're finished with your room it looks really good!" toshi says to me after he opens the door and walks in. I don't answer him and stay silent but he knows I'm awake.

"We're not having much for dinner, just whatever tonight so you can have whatever you want. What would you like I can get it for you?"  He asks.

I roll over to look at him and he looks at me. We lock eyes and he sighs.

"Please zuku I'll make you whatever you want you don't have to eat heaps" he pleads.

He goes to touch me but I flinch and back away, laying further into the bed.