Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 19.

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It goes, all my troubles on a burning pile
All lit up and I start to smile
If I, catch fire then I change my aim
Throw my troubles at the pearly gates
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Harlow Dean

I woke up in the hopes last night's conversation wouldn't still be weighing on my mind, however those words are still circling my thoughts, for no other reason that he's right. I do want to be found and I never realised that until he decided to use the truth and slap me in the face with it.

I want to be found by myself, I need to be found by myself.

Words are a dangerous thing, especially to an emotionally unstable person.

I haven't heard from Harry since yesterday, since he drove me home in silence with cuts and bruises covering his body. I didn't manage to sleep when I got home, I did climb into bed though. I just laid there staring at the ceiling in the hopes maybe I'd drift off to sleep or maybe I'd manage to feel something.

But I didn't.

I sat in bed feeling nothing, staring at my empty ceiling and painting imaginary pictures until the sun rose and turned the grey sealing beige. It was then I managed to fake a smile, managed to pull myself from the covers and force myself back into the endless circle us human beings seem to live in.

I took my meds, I made a coffee, I fed Willow, I made the bed, I tidied up, I played piano and then I got dressed to start the day. I sat in my home office with several other cups of black coffee burning the tip of my tongue as I sipped at them before they'd turn cold and I worked to distract myself from the hell going on inside my head.

I received a phone call at noon telling my office window had been replaced and it was Harry I had to thank for that.

I'm grateful for the new window, but if I hadn't met him it never would've broken.

I'm grateful for the words of wisdom, but if I hadn't met him I wouldn't be rethinking absolutely everything.

Soon the pale blue sky turned navy and the sun began to set, my signal to dress up as the version of myself everyone knows and loves. I threw on a little black dress, this one with some lace detail on the upper half, I painted my lips pink and then stepped into some dangerously high heels that give the false impression that I have the beautiful long legs everyone loves to see.

There's sometimes I detest the way I look, there's sometimes I can barely bring myself to look in the mirror but I tell myself I've got to fake it till I make it. So I dress up, I look in the mirror with a smile and I remind myself all of the things I have achieved.

I am 24 years old and I own the best club in the city, I'm lucky enough to own my own house, I'm a proud mother to a beautiful cat and I am a strong independent woman.

I find myself strutting into my club like the proud owner I am because I don't like it when I'm down, I don't like feeling the way I always do and this place is my happiness. I don't think I'll ever walk down this staff corridor without the feeling of pride and also feeling like a bad bitch. The feeling of power this place brings is something I'll never grow tired of.

Being someone everybody loves and is happy with brings me joy. I like making people happy.

"Long time no see! Been busy with your new boyfriend?" Teases Demi from behind the bar.

Been busy trying not to let my own thoughts murder me, but I suppose so.

"I hate pretending to have a boyfriend, why would someone ever want to be tied down to a man?" I scoff, resting my chin in my hands with my elbows on the bartop.