Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 33.

°°
I'm tired pretending
Keep my belief suspended
Cause underneath

I'm starting to wake from silent sleep
I'm starting to break and I can grieve
I'm starting to see that I know how
To love, to lose, to work it out
I'm starting to heal and find some faith
I'm starting to feel what's out of place
Don't need you to save me, I can't wait
To fool, to fail and start again
°°

Harlow Dean

When Harry puts it how he did, the whole 'you'd never judge someone based on their sexuality, why do it to yourself?' kinda thing, it really does make me feel stupid. I don't know why I let Owen brainwash me into being terrified of people finding out as if what I did was a crime. It was harmless and I can not believe I beat myself up about it for so long.

Somehow even a year after a break up he still manages to hold something against me, not anymore though. He has nothing left to manipulate me with, nothing I care about anyway. Fuck him for making me feel like that, I don't cry in front of anyone and now Harry thinks I'm just a sad, unstable person.

That's why I hate showing people the side of me where I'm sad and I don't have my life together because then that's all they see you as. They're always concerned about upsetting you and you're not treated like a normal person anyone, you're treated like a depressed one and it makes you feel so out of place. In my case anyway.

I like it when people care, don't get me wrong it's great when somebody cares about you however Harry doesn't care about me. Everything between us is fake and he's only being nice to me for the sake of an easy fake relationship. It's easier to act in a play when you get along with the cast.

I'm not sure I even care that he's faking this, I've never had someone crouch down in front of me and hold my hands before and it might have been the littlest most meaningless gesture but my heart was doing somersaults.

Kissing him was the only thing my mind could think of and only when Harry kissed me back and ignited the fire within me, I realised I'm digging myself into a little bit of hole.

I'm gonna get hurt. This feels too good and when it's over I'll be left wishing I never kissed him or let him see certain sides of me.

"What now birdy? I think you need a drink and about 50 lines of coke but you're too innocent for coke so maybe we should stick with the drink. As long as it's something strong, you need it." Harry says as he sits down on the couch next to me, brushing a few stray strands of hair from my face.

Can my heart stop that? That weird fluttering, skipping a beat thing. He only touched my forehead, no need to go all heart palpitations on me.

"I need to go home, tell Willow what just happened, sit in bed and cry. Not vodka." I sigh, running my own hand through my hair in frustration.

I'm getting far too comfortable around people these days.

Wasn't I just complaining about him seeing me as a depressed bitch? Yes. Leave me alone.

"Mind if I join you?" He asks and for a second I thought he was joking, until I turned to see the hopeful expression on his face.

Yes, I do mind because I'll end up getting attached and he'll just leave after this whole fight of his. Unless he loses and I get kidnapped by Daniel and his gang, then again I'm sure Harry will be glad to see the back of such a liability like me.

"Yup." I smile back.

"Well I don't want you going home to cry by yourself because I don't know how many times I have to keep telling you this, I care about you." Harry confessed, looking straight into my eyes which again, has my heart skipping a beat.