Infatuated (hsau)

chapter 28.

°°
Do you care?
I'm big, humongous, enormous and small
And it's not fair, that I am nothing and nobody's there
Do you care?
I'm big, humongous, enormous and small
And it's not fair that I am nothing and nobody's there
Do you care?
°°

Harlow Dean

I said this was the birth of a new Harlow, one that's cool and carefree however I had a mental breakdown the second I got home so that's gone completely out the window. I don't even know why it happened, I just started overthinking until I was sat on my bathroom floor shaking and crying to the point I felt like I'd throw up.

It's horrible feeling like that, absolutely fucking horrible.

I may have kissed this 'new reborn Harlow' goodbye, but I'm not making myself feel like that again. I do it to myself, I overthink myself into a dark hole and I need to stop it. I do it to myself, I overthink myself into a dark hole and I need to stop it.

The only positive about the depressive episodes are that it takes everything out of me and I actually get a good night's sleep. I'm still feeling a little worn out but at least I slept for more than 5 hours.

reason 351: for the nights sleep is given.

It's good to reflect though. I enjoy sitting on the couch in silence with a cup of coffee and Willow nagging at me whilst I'm self reflecting. It sounds lame but I only just stopped going to therapy so I'm trying not to go back there. Only because I don't like seeing people feel bad for me, the definition of my worst nightmare.

I don't think people understand how difficult it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand yourself.

"Willow, I kissed Mr. psychopath." I sign, unsure how to feel about the whole situation.

Sometimes I think he's so sweet and kind, like when he told me never to apologise and how he calls me birdy. The nickname is cute and my heart melts each time he says it, which is stupid.

However then I remember the man literally runs a gang and his job is to literally do illegal shit. Then I also remember his questionable morals, like when he kept telling me I wanted to fuck him and when he told me I wasn't ladylike because I told him to fuck off.

Then I remember the way his lips felt against mine and the way his beautiful hands caressed my body.

Wow.

Jesus, it's too early to be thinking thoughts as sinful as these, way too early.

"Stop looking at me like that. You're Just a cat you don't understand." I say, frowning at Willow as she crawls along the couch back over to me.

Sometimes I speak to her like she's a human, like she might actually turn around and tell me I'm a freak but it's actually quite therapeutic. It's having someone to talk to that can't speak back or laugh at you, my ideal type of person in the form of a cat. Although Willow acts like a crazy person when I feed her two minutes later than usual or I ignore her after three head butts, yet she remains my best friend.

A crazy cat lady at 24...

Not to toot my own trumpet but I do also own the best club in the city at 24 years old too so maybe it cancels out...I'm gonna tell myself it does.

Why is Mr. Psychopaths name lighting up my phone? Can he not grant me just one morning of peace? Every single morning he finds away to show his face and I'm not a sociable person in the morning. Although I'm not opposed to having a daily coffee delivery.