Confessions

Confession #59

Confession #59: I always become awed at how fast klife changes as well as people.

So I would like to apologize for not updating. I am in robotics and it has been a whole schedule of late school nights sleep and wake up and repeat. So I got to let go of everything that has been on my chest for so long. For so so so long. So long that it has started to become a part of me.

Okay so prepare for some serious shit xD. In the beginning of January, my brother had a few phone interviews. One of them was an automotive company. They told him that they want a face to face interview in Michigan. But due to some mishaps and miscommunications on their side of the road, they postponed the interveiw to about the second to last week of January. Meanwhile, he got another interview and so he drove down (in state). Immediately the boss was impressed and gave him an offer. Through serious contemplation, he accepted. And out of the blue he is now living in Michigan with an actual paid job.

Just like that, my mom and I was living home together. (My dad went with my brother to get him organized). Because of this, my mom compromised and said that she would pick me up about a half hour early from all of the meetings. I agreed and that was what happened.

Except everything wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. My mom constantly picked on me. She took her stress and her sadness on me by yelling at me every single time. I tried. Itried so hard to hold in everything inside me, but it broke. I broke the dam, the volcano inside me.

It has been happeneing everyday. I have been getting so anxious about it . Like when will the next one strike? I have to calm myself and regain myself before my mom catches any single odd behavior. I have been so good at it, that no one can catch me what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling, or if I've been crying or not.

Right now, my dad came back home and the arguments are still here. I have been so out of it these days that I'm becoming forgetful and quiet. Sometimes I wished everyone would just shut up. Like everyone. Everyone that is talkin, everyone that is laughing,crying,punching,kicking, JUST STOP. If I could freeze the world I would. I need to hear myself. I need to cry and for someone not to judge me I need to breathe without someone breathing heavily with rage.

Most of all, I just need time. I wish I can pause everything. That way the good moments would last forever.

Why was I even born? I have no purpose. Everywhere I join, everywhere I go I don't belong.

Okay Okay gotta stay calm.

Deep breathes.

In

and Out.

In

and out.

Truth is I will always be different. No matter what.

Oh anyways speaking of different. There is a new person who doesn't like me anymore and I don't know why.

She got annoyed one day with me and told me to shut up, I mean I was okay with that and I said I'm sorry because she seemed to be a bit out of it.

Sometimes I wonder who is stronger when this happens. Is it the girl who is telling me to shut up and is telling me that she is pissed, or is it the girl who is forgiving her and smiling when deep inside thoughts wake her up at night?

Ever since then, she talks to everyone else but kind of avoids me and doesn't like me or talk to me that much. She kind of took my place over in my friends. That kinda hurts. It reminds me of people who did that to me, who corrupted other ppl and I was alone. Oh so alone. I still am.

Sometimes I don't know whether I belong here at all. I feel like I am a nobody.

I would like to just leave.

From the world.

Temporarily.

I need a break. I have so much to do. So much to finish and accomplish.

Right now I have no motivation.

I don't feel alive right now.

I am dead and I need someone or something to reenergize me.