Confessions

To Jonghyun: (extra A/N)

So this book is still finito, but in the recent events that have happened; I figured I wanted to post this here. As some of you know, KPop star Kim Jonghyun committed suicide on 12/18/2017. For the past 5 days I've been in shock and upset, because his suicide note spoke to me. Whenever I feel like this, I write about it. So below is what I wrote about how I felt about this event.

 I don't know what to really say. There's this k-pop star that committed suicide on the 18th of December, 2017. Of course, he's a celebrity, and I'm not. Lots of people are much closer to him then I will ever be. But his suicide note is what got to me the most. He explained in the note how he was broken from the inside. That was what really broke me, because I can totally relate to him. This celebrity death was one that hit me the hardest because I connected to him on that level. None of my friends are really into celebrity deaths, I don't know why I felt so sad suddenly. It just really made me see what life really is. He was only 27, struggling so hard to get help; help that no one really got him. I'm not really blaming his family and friends, as I have been in that situation where I tried to talk people out of their thoughts. I know they've done everything they could, and it's not their fault. But I also know try as they might, they will blame themselves, they will go over the situation numerous times, and worry about what they should've done to prevent this. I'm blaming the society at how hard it is to admit this. To admit the pain inside is not normal. I guess what I'm trying to say is I can really understand what Jonghyun really felt in his life, and I guess that is what hurts me so much. He really thought his pain wasn't felt; his pain was a curse that he believed only he had planted on his shoulders. When he did decide to reach help, it seemed as if the one person who was supposed to really help him through pain let him down, his whole world became darker.

And so, he planned. Like me, he thought up of everything; a suicide note, method of suicide, a sense of peace for his sister/family, and set off to end his life. Within minutes, he left the world, relieved of the pain he was struggling for so long.

And I guess that's what gets to me so much; the fact that his death was a suicide, the fact that there were so many loved ones who would have been so ready to love him and help him, find another doctor, one that will be okay to hear his pain.

But I understand, why he didn't. He just couldn't see as he slowly drowned underwater. He felt ashamed. I mean why would he need a doctor? He should be happy with all the fame, he shouldn't complain, he has people to love, and people who love him. But he just felt ashamed to admit that sometimes he can't meet up to the demanding schedule, that he needs a break, maybe a hiatus from time to time. He was probably self-conscious at how the media would portray him and his band.

I get that; all of that. Which is why I am breaking after hearing this. It hurts me so much knowing he won't really be able to live and find things or accomplish any more things in his life.

It still hurts me a lot knowing that we lost someone so well loved and known to such a common death. I really wished we had mental health into those set of morals we carry every day. It would have been easier to prevent these things. If we all knew that this is real pain, maybe more people would be alive longer. Just because we can't see it does not mean it's not there.

I know he's gone. But I really hope he knew, or at least he now knows, people will always love him. He did well.

I will try my best to do well in my life. I hope he finally finds his peace.