Confessions

Confession #52

Confession #52: A new year is approaching, and it's time that I let go and tell you of hopeless, unchangeable things.

2015 is approaching. I am so excited for new year. This whole week I have been cooped up in my room and thought of everything that has happened. I cried for all of the bad memories that I dealt with for 2014. I cried for all the feelings of lonliness and rejection that I have felt. I smiled for the amazing memories.

But the biggest thing that I am about to do right now, is admitting my biggest mistakes. 

One of my biggest resolutions for 2015, is to let go of all the pain and all of the past that I have been carrying on my back for such a long time. I have hurt my family, my friends, and in all reality, I don't think I can ever forget and forgive myself. But maybe, if I admit it to the world, what I did, what I've done, maybe the internet will understand than real people outside of the screen.

I had a lot of arguments with my mom, mostly about letting me go to different places, letting myself be free with friends. Buteither way, we both have hot heads and because of this, many arguments erupt out of nowhere. I have hurt my mom so much to the point  where sometimes one thing can set her off, that happened once, which resulted me to self harm, and blaming myself for everything, my mom being outside of my house, my brother driving out, my dad going to find my mom.

But to be honest, I am trying to compromise with my mom, and I know that she goes through a lot, but I'm her scapegoat. No matter what happens, I will be the one that she will blow steam at. It's okay, I'm used to it. I don't think that she realizes that we spend the most time together, therefore I am possibly the closest to her than anyone else. But it will happen in due time.

Another biggest mistake I have ever done in my life is lie.

I once lied and cheated and stole my parents money to buy something.

Go on. Hate me. It was in second grade, I took money out of the tray because I really wanted to buy this kit on this book catalog that we as second graders got each week. Every time I asked my parents, they said no, so I guess I felt mad and really wanted it so I stole it. I stole 20 bucks. (You don't know how much I am crying right now, but at the same time how amazing I feel admitting this to the world) I HATE MYSELF FOR THIS. I got caught, and I had the hellish year of my life. A lot of other stuff happened too, but I don't wanna talk about it.

After that ordeal, my parents didn't trust me. I still have problems with lying and there was quite a few benchmarks in my life where I got into a hell lot of trouble for lying and cheating. No one, not even my friends, know about this. My boyfriend, sort of knew, but he still loved me. (I don't know why he did)

Go on, tell me every filthy name you can, I deserve it. Ever since that history, I felt horrible. But slowly, little by little, I forced myself to tell the truth. Little by little, I'm making progress. And alos, little by little, my parents are granting me trust, but they also remind me of my past. :/ I guess they should, so that I can hate myself.

Gosh, this feels so amazing to admit to people about my mistakes. i am not even being sarcastic right now!

Another mistake is that I have been acting like I have been praying, but I don't. No one knows this, and I feel guilty too, I don't know what has come over me, and I am trying really hard to actually pray.

I can't rememeber every flaw that I have. But I think that these are the main ones. (so far.)

OMFG I FEEL SO GOOD RIGHT NOW. I THINK I AM READY FOR 2015.

I liked 2014 mainly because I had a special someone to lean on with. I never thought I would ever get asked out by such a charming boy, even if our connection is broken, I love him still. god knows when I will stop loving him xD. He is an amazing person and I wish him the very best.

2014, was also the year where my brother graduated from college, I attended my first Robotics Regional, I had my first kiss, first relationship, first time going to the LA autoshow, and we had many fun california trips both to the beach and to people's houses. It was fun sharing memories with people I love.

Rather than capturing moments on my phone, tablet, or camera and uploading them on Facebook, for likes, comments and popularity, I captured them with my eyes.

I don't need Facebook to tell everyone that I'm having a good time.

Happy new Year everyone, and I love all of you. Hope you close the book of 2014 with a BANG and open the book of 2015 with a SHAZAM! I LOVE YOU ALL. THIS BOOK IS OFFICIALY A YEAR OLD AND I THANK ALL YOU BEAUTIFUL SILENT READERS. YOU ALL COUNT <3