Confessions

Confession #29

Confession #29: I hate being misunderstood, overlooked, and just plain ignored.

I know what you are probably thinking about my confession. You are probably thinking "damn. this bish is still crazy about her freakin ex.

Well, if you thought like that, GUESS WHAT? No. IT IS NOT ABOUT MY EX. It's just about people in general. Idk. Maybe it's because I am stressed and although I have a lot to do, I need to get it off my chest.

Because lately, my stress has been clawing at my heart, and grasping it so tight that I just want to scream and tear my hair out.

So, as you probably know, I am in the robotics team. What you probably don't know is that I am the secretary for robotics. (Something that I didn't want to do but someone I cared for pushed me into it and it resulted into a bunch of crap from my family and blah blah blah.)

Although I am the secretary of robotics, I feel as if I am a nobody. Everyone gets along fine, and everyone just does so many amazing things for the team, and I feel like I'm just there. When I do help out, I get overlooked. People think that just because I may be quiet and hyperactive at different times, and may be a little more reserved from people, but DOES NOT MEAN THAT I CANNOT DO WHAT YOU TELL ME TO DO. -_-.

IT JUST REALLY IRKS ME THAT NO ONE EVEN UNDERSTANDS ME.

I am just really different.

LIKE REALLY REALLY DIFFERENT.

Right now I'm kinda calm because my mom handed me an ice cream chocolate bar. (Thought to give you an update)

BUT STILL.

I am the only person that thinks differently of situations and things my family thinks about.

It has always been like this. Always have and always will.

Of course, I'm a girl and I have my hormony feelings, so sometimes like right now, I long for someone to cuddle with me.

DON'T YOU EVEN DARE TELL ME HOW FREAKING PATHETIC I AM. BECAUSE I AM 100% CERTAIN THAT YOU FELT THE SAME WAY WHEN YOU SEE COUPLES HOLING HANDS AND KISSING LIKE AT LEAST ONCE!!!!!!!!!

*sighs* yeah. Connor (my ex but I'm tired of calling him my ex) is sick and he rarely gets sick. I'm stressed because even if we did break up, even if he probably is a lot stronger than me and moved on from me, and even if I am picking my pieces and am almost done picking and fixing myself together, I still care for him.

And I honestly don't think that will ever go away.

You see, if you loved someone with all you warmth, all your fire, no matter how many ashes are left as remains, it is so easy to relight a match and light it back up again.

Knowing that warmth is just a small match or an igniter away, always gives me a small spark of hope in me, and that small spark gives has the warmth equal to the love that I have had.

Connor is rarely sick. That scares me and makes me feel worried about him. When he was sick it only lasted about two or three days. NOW this sickness or whatever he has is lasting him to up to about 5 days.

I honeslty don't know why I care so much. I was a terrible ex and a terrible girlfriend. And quit it if you are about to say how much of a weak person I am.

No matter how many breakups you go through and how many love you find, you will always have that question, that simple stupid question:

What did I do wrong?

That question haunts me, even when I am stressed. It nags inside me and sleeps next to the monster inside my mind. I"m afraid that if they become partners, I will completely lose my mind.

As I am typing this, I feel my feet unclench, my back straighter, I exhaled slowly, and I am on my way to a smile and a laugh.

Sometimes I forget how GOOD it feels to let it all out after cooping it up for more than a week.

Tears are silently streaming as I smile while typing this. Writing this is certainly something I am really feeling amazing about :)

I'm doing little breathing excercises to help regulate my breathing. But I need to get my negative thoughts out of my head. So here is a list of negative thoughts that have been nagging at me for so so long:

I suck

Ewwww do I really look like that at school?

No matter what I do, or what I say, I will never be good enough

I am such an idiot, a screw up, and butthole. 

Why am I even alive?

I AM SO STRESSED I WILL FAIL EVERYTHING

I am not smart

I am stupid

I should never join any clubs.

I should have never joined robotics

I should have never gone to my school

I should have never existed

My math teacher hates me.

Why can't my math teacher smile at me for once?

Why can't he understand that I am a good person?

I hate teachers who hate me. It feels as if I really shouldn't exist.

Sometimes I want to die, or sink into a hole.

No one would even notice. I would only get stupid nice bs compliments when I'm dead.

BUT THEN AGAIN. MAYBE I DO DESERVE TO LIVE. I HAVE NOT EVEN GOTTEN A JOB YET. MY HIGH SCHOOL CAREER HAS STARTED.

Maybe, just maybe, if I stand here and let my small spark of hope guide me, maybe it will guide me to another igniter.

This time, it wouldn't be a boy holding the igniter, it would be me.