Confessions

Confession #93

Confession #93: I don't feel a thing.

Okay, a lot of things have happened in such a short span of time and I'm like super upset. Before I dive into my life, I just want to say that my thoughts are out to the Orlando victims, and Christina Grimmie's family. I love you all and this should not have happened at all. Please stay safe out there and be alert.

Okay, so Ramadan has arrived and it's not been going very well...

I mean the first day went fine! All of us were happy and had a great time. But, the second day... well that was a disaster. You see, I made a very strong decision by myself that I was going to be a part of robotics again and this time, accept a role that was given to me. However, that meant going against everyone. All of my family members. My dad is quiet about it, my brother told me "we are a family. Whatever you choose, we will support you."(Which was complete BS) and my mom.... well that's another story. Here are some documented quotes from her about this issue:

"Do NOT bring up robotics to me. Go talk to your dad about it. I will not give you any rides at all."

"I will only provide transportation for robotics if you have straight A's"

"You never listen to me"

"You're doing robotics because you're dating someone there right? I know you are. That's why you love robotics so much"

The list goes on and on. As she is my mom, I feel like she needs to be a part of what I do. SO whenever anything robotics related comes up, I bring it up to the both of them, not just my dad. So on Tuesday (Last tuesday) I brought up this event that's going on with robotics.

She claims that she can't give a ride. Which is BS because I know she can. So an argument erupted, and I was frustrated at her, but eventually gave in and replied to the email saying that I can't go. And then, the bomb of my mom exploded. For the past week and this week, she has been calling me selfish, uncaring, she tells me that I'm a failure, I will never get scholarships, I should repeat 11th grade, and that I won't get a graduation party unless I get straight A's.

I know her, and straight A's aren't enough. If I got a 93 in a class, she'd want a 95. If I got a 95 in class, she'd want a 99. If I got a 99 in a class, she'd want a 100. It's constant push to her. She blames robotics to be the factor of bringing my grades down. But it's not the only factor. Her negativity, causes me to be depressed and not to try anything at all. I am tired of it. 

She keeps on telling me how I am going to fail, and that if I go to community college, I will be shamed for life. 

I

CAN'T

TAKE

IT

 ANYMORE

Is it so wrong, to make my own decisions? I'm freaking 17. I should decide what's best for me, not you mother. You never ever, supported me. Sure, you brought me food, you woke me up during those late nights, but no. You never told me, you are going to be okay. I will be here for you. It's okay to fail. Everyone fails.

INSTEAD...

You say that you've never failed in your lifetime. You say how my brother wins at life and I don't.

Gosh mom, I know you love me, and yeah I love you too. But when you say things like this, I'm always hurt and wounded. 

Please take a moment and realize, that you're daughter, is smart, she is wise. She doesn't fall into peer pressure, and she can be cold and insensitive if needed.

You think that I'm weak, always insecure, always dependent. 

Well, I made my decision. I will not fuck up my senior year like I did my junior year. I will stand up and take NHS and my robotics club seriously. I will love what I do and I'm not regretting any of my decisions. You can cuss me out, kick me out of the house if you want, but I'm just as stubborn as you are. I will stand. I will do what it takes to prove you wrong.

And when you look up at me, with tears in your eyes, as I walk and get my diploma, with scholarships galore, I will smile at you, knowing very well that I did it, without the help of anyone.

This dream will come true.

I just know it.