Confessions

Confession #60

Confession #60: Why?

To be honest, I'm kind of done with people for the moment. People are just so cruel and bitches. All it takes is one ugly little word, and that will come to haunt you, like an annoying little fly that has been buzzing around your ear all the time. But you see, the more little ugly words add up, the louder the buzzing noise is. And it doesn't all have to happen consecutively. It can happen over a span of years, days, months, or even decades. But sooner or later, you will drown under all of this buzzing. You will lose yourself, your mind, and you wished they would all just shut up. You try to kill them off, but it's just too many.

That's what I feel like right now. A thosuand flies just buzzing around me with their ugly little words. They are waiting to become bees so that they can sting me. For me to feel pain, as if I have not felt it already. I guess you wanna know why I'm ranting about this. I'm ranting about this because, quite a lot of people have been exceptionally rude to me this week. They are all people who I don't know. They are people who feel like they are superior to me. I guess I should let this out when I can.

Okay so one day this week, I think it was a wednesday, my friend and I went to go see guys playing volleyball (it was jthis event thingy kinda like a just for fun competition) during lunch. I set my backpack down and the cap from the water bottle popped out and water spilled. I tried cleaning up the mess by grabbing toilet paper but you know how cheap school toilet paper is xD It's like not even two-ply. So I go talk to my friend about it, and she was like "just go and tell the teacher." So I was like hey yeah that's a good idea. Before I can even get up, this girl behind me shoulders me and then stomps onto the puddle of water and pretends to fall. And then without looking at me says "someone can fall you better get your ass up and clean it."

I cannot tell you how pissed I was. LIke beyond pissed. I just wanna punch her in the face. Just to shut her up. Because she does not know how many nights I stayed up thinking about words people have said, how much drama that happened.

Okay onto this other person. There is this person who is a horrible bitch to my friend, like she is really really rude and inconsiderate. BUT she is trying to kiss my ass by being very nice to me. And I can tell she is trying to do this whole thing where I'm closer to her then my friend. Nope. Not gonna happen. I can forgive someone, and I have. I've forgiven her because everyone deserves a second chance, because I know how much of a hell it is, when you wanna change something about yourself, and no one is giving you that chance. But no. Stop kissing my ass for it. You wanna be nice, go be nice to my friend. She didn't do anything to you. Yeah so now, she is trying to be in everything and trying to take over everything I wanna do.

I wanna be nice to her, but I don't wanna be in a group with her everytime. I'm friends with other people you know, people that I have known for a while. And plus, she doesn't get how the partner system works. If I gave you eye contact then please work with me. If I wanted to be alone, then I wouldn't give you eye contact. She doesn't get it.

Oh well. This year is almost over.

And then there is this freakin douche in piano class. He always bullies me and wants to show off his piano skills. LIKE ALWAYS and he always compares his piano skills to mine. He also compares it to my classmate.And everytime I mess up, he smirks and laughs. I hate it. This other time, he pretended to wrap his arm around me as if he was my boyfriend and everyone in his group laughed.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU HUH?

I just wanna live. I don't wanna deal with anything. I failed my math test, couldn't finish it, i forgot to turn in a part of my homework, people are being complete shit to me, I'm completely invisible. If someone says that it's going to be all okay in the end, the end is nowhere near, and I don't think I can last till the end.

Now I finally undersand why Yagami did what he did in DeathNote. Why he killed off everyone. Because everyone hates people. People complicate our world. Not the world as our whole, but the individual worlds that we live in. That is why we feel compelled to kill them. To kill the people that are contaminating our own individual little world. Our safe haven. And ideally, our own world is only perfect because we as an individual are controlling it to our own liking. That's why Yagami killed off everyone. Because in his ideal world, everyone had to go. But we realize that without people, our ideal world wouldn't even be here.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is people, although crappy they are, shape us and impact us in our own little world, in our own little ways. It only matters how we use those and manipulate those into our little bubble.

Wow, this is almsot 1,000 words. I felt as if I needed to pur my heart and soul in here. You know? You guys are getting me there to 3,000 reads. I love you guys, I really do.

It must be a complete bore to be sitting here, listening to this wierd girl, talking about the sad things in her life, and how it affects her brain, and how irrational she is at times.

I can't help it. I'm just 16. I feel as if there is more yet to come.

I think I got everything off of my chest.... lemme see...hmmm....

Yeah. Oh! We finished our robot by the way! Competition is about a month away and I am excited. I have a lot of things to do right now, so I should head out right now. And start doing them. I gotta get things done.

As crazy as it seems, but I think amazing things are gonna come my way soon. I just gotta stay positive and keep on going.

Deep breaths.

Okay I think I'm good.

I'm ready.

Bye! <3

With loves,

Taz