Confessions

Confession #33

Confession #33: I relapsed.

My confession is pretty much self explanatory. I relapsed. The darkness flew into me like a whirling tornado and swept me away into the darkness.

The weird thing was, I finally felt safe.

I felt so amazing relapsing and seeing the light closing off on me.

What the hell is wrong with me? 

I have no idea why I feel this way. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I really wanted to have a voice in my family, but they are forcing down stupid insults and arguments just to silence me off.

NO MATTER WHAT I FUCKING DO IT'S THE SAME DAMN THING. I CAN'T FUCKING EXPRESS MYSELF, ALWAYS GET OVERANALYZED AT EVERY FUCKING THING I DO.

I am tied of all this shit. It pulled me over.

The saddest moment was when I did put that blade on my wrist,

No one was there to stop me. 

So now, it stings. I did one cut purposely cutting a mere millimeters from my vein, thought it did touch it. I put Neospirin and bandaid on it so now it hurts like hell.

I put hot sauce in my pasta so that my family thought I was tearing up because it was spicy.

In the end, I feel like shit because I relapsed.

And I didn't want to. 

I am starting to cringe at other people's problems. Their problems are like "OHMYGOSH MY LIFE SUCKS 6 BOYS ARE FIGHTING OVER ME."

Or "OH MY GOSH HE SMILED DO YOU THINK HE LIKES ME?"

Get a grip people. Sometimes I hate helping other people because they are so ungreatful.

Sometimes when I work hard and do help them at a tough time, they say thanks and leave me alone.

I'm human too. Shouldn't I get a chance to get help from someone else?

The randomest people will be like to me "hey i'm here for you." 

Sure that warms me up and makes my day, but they don't necessarily mean it. I barely ever talked to them. How can I trust them with my gentle porcelain life and feelings?

What if they don't handle with care, when my vulnerability is at an all time high?

I'm crying again.

My brother and mother are yelling at me again.

I have been quiet now, only talking in monotone when they are asking me something.

WHAT I HATE ABOUT THEM, IS AFTER THEY YELL AT ME, THEY BE NICE TO ME AND SPEAK NICELY AND TALK IN GENTLE VOICES. 

STOP IT. THE DAMAGE IS FUCKING DONE. YOU FUCKING MESS ME UP AND SCREW ME UP EVEN MORE STUPID FUCKING FAMILY.

The only perso who is always calm and collected and actually listens and reasons with my dreams, goals,or rants, is my dad.

But my brother and mother are happy to yell at me all the time, because my dad is almsot always at work.

I know we are having economic stuggles but still. Does this mean you can pick on me? I have my own problems. Problems that I never tell them. If they ever gave me that environment, always nice, always forgiving, and giving strict but reasonable punishments, then I could have let in.

But I can't.

I can't text anyone of my problems. The only person I want to talk to, will not want to talk to me because he ignores me in the middle of conversation. "We could be friends?" Fuck you. We aren't friends because you can't make up your stupid mind. You were the one who worried that I won't talk a lot to you and start cutting when we broke up, but guess what? You are the one who did it.

I"m just done.

Pull your shit together Taz. What the hell is wrong with you?

Everything.

Everything is wrong with me.