Confessions

Confession #27

Confession #27: This is just going to be a letter to someone. I guess my confession would be I have changed.

Dear Life,

On March 7, 2014, you allowed me to have a beautiful person. I accepted his request and it was amazing. Each day, our love grew, the hand holding, the shy tender moments of exploring. We softly grew into one. It was both our first. We experienced everything together. The first month was incredible. But then, you decided to lower his interest on me.

So, the next month, we had our love, intense at times, but it slowly drifted away. Then May arrived. At the end of May, you left me cold, as you decided my beautiful person, should not be with me anymore. You left me hopeless, and regretful. Thinking that I should have NEVER said yes. I should have NEVER let him in. Because now, he knows so many things about me, I don't know what will happen. YOU life YOU tore this apart.

Even though you did this, I got up, wiped up my tears, and managed a weak smile. I quickly deleted his number, defriended him, to keep my distance away from him. That was when you were kind. YOU gave me plans to do, responsibilities, hope, and helped me restore in my faith and religion since I was totally strayed away from it.

One month later, in the beginning of July, I started to talk to him. I distanced him as much as I could, resisting as much as I could. And then life, YOU screwed me up again. Giving me that false hope that the idea of "friendship" will be restored, despite things never going to be the same either way. YOU WERE WRONG. HE RUDELY LEFT ME HANGING IN HIS MESSAGES. I gave up.

Then LIFE, you killed me again, when he rudely ignored me. You killed me AGAIN when we were alone in the meeting today, in the classroom at first.

I smiled and said hi to him and we talked about math. Then we stopped talking. (of course you kinda helped and killed me at the same time as he smiled back) THEN YOU MADE US BE ALONE AT THE END OF THE MEETING WHILE WE WERE WAITING FOR OUR RIDES. The distance between us killed me. It was as if I never seen him before and was managing my distance away from him. He did is own things I did my own. When he left he didn't  even bother to say bye. I HAD TO SAY IT.

LIFE YOU ARE RUINING MY SOPHMORE YEAR BY MAKING MY MATH TEACHER DISLIKE ME.

QUIT IT. OKAY? YOU MADE ME CUT, YOU MADE ME HURT, YOU MADE ME FEEL ALONE, YOU MADE ME A MISFIT, A HORRIBLE TERRIBLE PERSON, MAKING HORRIBLE REGRETFUL CHOICES, AND JUST MAKING SURE I HAVE SHITTY DAY INSTEAD OF A HAPPY ONE.

Let me tell you something life. 

YOU WILL BE DEFEATED. 

Oh so you made my math teacher be rude?

okay. I will make sure he will see that there is nothing bad about me that I am indeed a human being.

OH SO YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL AWKWARD WITH HIM? AND MAKING HIM GIVE ME A THICK CLOUD OF TENSION AND AWKWARDNESS AND HURT?

Bring it. I will be okay. I will smile through it. i will MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SCREW ME OVER. EVER. EVER AGAIN

BECAUSE LIFE? WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS NOT OKAY. AND I WILL FUCKING SCREW YOU BEFORE MY MIND GETS SCREWED.

I HATE YOU LIFE.

PREPARE TO LOVE ME.

Sincerely,

ME.