guilty pleasure

best thing

the backstory of what happened and what I decided on .

idk what to call this but tell me how you feel and what you think about this please and vote ty !

M a r c u s

The night she left I didn't even know what was going on she left in such a rush .

The next morning her mom was on my ass asking where she went and a bunch of shit. I told her I had no clue of ginny's whereabouts she was pissed off .

a few weeks later and she was back with ginny apparently she went to her dad's place . She supposedly asking him to get in contact with the biker gang as well as Austin's Father. among the other things she told me about in private .

She wanted to get Austin away from her mom because she was in fear of her mother she never told me why though . During school it was us basically hooking up that lasted for awhile .

I think she loved me at a point in time but her feelings were gradually fading and I noticed soon enough as much as I did want to be with ginny I had to let go of my feelings for her .

From then on it became just sex well for her at least . I flirted with padma and a few other girls from my grade but that upset ginny she claimed she wanted me all to herself .

It started when I was actually getting help with my project from padma and ginny got all angry cussed me out for it . From then on I stayed away for awhile me and ginny got close again .

we shared some deep personal things we'd never told anyone like deep shit . I was in a dark place before ginny I was hurting sometimes I feel I still am you know ?

She knows what I went through with my best friend the person who was supposed to stick by my side .

However in my case he didn't he left me here , I know it sounds selfish , but he never showed signs of hurting that deep and it hurt that I couldn't tell my best friend was in pain.

He was always checking on me because of how much I used to get high and the pills I used to take . I just wish I would've been sober enough go see through his bullshit and save him before he was gone .

There is so many things I wish I could go back and change because of how the certain things occurred . An example being I regretted simply the fact of me and ginny sleeping together .

Why ?

Well because it's supposed to be something you cherish forever .

What did we do ?

We slept with each other because of  lust there wasn't much love just lust to fill the void of love .

Why did I regret sharing something that should've been special with her?

Well in my book we simply weren't meant for each other and that's okay because well I never would've known what my future held .

An example being with Lilou is like fresh air she is my best friend she cares about my well-being . She is more than a girl that I like and someday might even love . Lilou is someone I plan to let my walls down for when we get more into our relationship.

I worry about her so much because of everything that's happened recently and because sometimes she hides her feelings. I always make sure to check in on her mentally when we're together which is mostly almost every day .

How would I describe how I feel for her ?

Like I can breathe. That's it she makes me not want to take any pills she makes me want to stay here breathing. I wasn't gonna lie and say being here was great because she was here . because the thoughts still surfaced the craving to leave this fucked up place .

She did make it seem brighter though I guess I could never tell her someone who she deeply cared about and cherished wanted to leave her here .

although my mind was puzzled at why every time someone hurt her she'd never fight back.

I also realized she didn't bring up family at all and I noticed that she had probably more walls up then me . hiding what she could so she wouldn't be a burden to me and I didn't like that .

I do know for sure that she's hiding something from me cause she runs from confrontation . For example, when my sister told me about the guy feeling her up she said she didn't seem herself .

That for one definitely had me worried I decided to hold off on talking about that but I would circle around if we had one of our deep talks again .

I doubt me and ginny will come together again because of her.

Lilou really flipped things for me she wanted everything I needed to give . Weirdly enough I wanted someone to tell me I was okay and be there to keep my head up and for right now , Lilou was doing that .

I had this sudden deep thought because of how far I've come with her and it's only been a few months.

I feel okay I guess with her .

she in a way replaced the grief when she came in .

she came in after summer and we were freshly juniors everything was new changing for me. me and ginny were always an on and off type of thing and she changed it to all the way off .

how ?

with her charm , smile , aura theres a million things I could name but it all leads to her .

lilou athena west .

she was beautiful all of her inside and out ,  her flaws , when she got angry every tiny thing I noticed probably no one didn't. The crinkle in her nose when she slept , her freckles in the sunlight she looked like some type of greek goddess living among humans .

I don't even care how creepy it sounds she's perfect.