guilty pleasure

I'd rather go blind

had to take a mental break.

L I L O U

I waited at the park for him to show up as much as I didn't want to be around him his mom came to me the other day after catching him acting a fool smoking pot . so here I was being there for him even though he hurt me .

I waited for about another hour studying and got startled by his voice " what're you doing here?" I jumped " you scared me ."

I cleared my throat " we should talk?"  he sat down at the table sparking up. I took it out of his hands " can we not do this right now I'm trying to have a serious conversation."

he rolled his eyes " what do we need to talk about I fucked up and you don't want me back I got it ." I laughed heartlessly " I don't know how I could genuinely care for someone in my book changed up on me." 

he rolled his eyes " okay and what the hell are you here for then I'm not in the mood to hear you lecture me because my mom told you to ." I nodded getting all of the clarity I needed the two of us obviously needed space from each other . I got up and looked at him " well wish granted do as you please I'm done trying to fight for a relationship holding on by a thread." 

I walked off and headed home with so many thoughts pondering my mind . 

" was this really the end?" 

"did I make the right choice?" 

" what if gets worse ?" 

that all got shut out when I seen my fathers car in my driveway I grabbed my homework out holding it so it seemed like I was being studious . I walked in the house hearing nothing but my parents arguing my sister walked down " how'd it go with Marcus ?" I smiled sadly " we are officially done nothing remains." 

she pouted and pulled me in to a long graceful hug " that is shitty and then you have to come home to this bullshit dad wants me back with him and I don't want to go I'm happy with max." 

I felt the world crumbling around me right now I sniffled " oh fuck my chest hurts so bad ." she pulled back " hey are you okay ?" I shook my head no " everything hurts oh im losing everyone lately I just want to know what direction to go in next." I was hyperventilating and everything was getting cloudy . 

she called my mom " mom I need you over here." she hushed her off telling her she was in a conversation ." I was barely able to stand on my own as my knees began to give out on me .she rubbed the sides of my arms trying to calm me . it only got worse really I felt my chest getting tighter on me " oh it really hurts..." she grabbed my chin " hey try and follow my breathing ." I looked at her teary eyed trying to follow her breathing and I couldn't . 

I dropped my things and clenched my chest " I can't catch my breath..." she screamed " mom it's Lilou please fucking pay attention I don't know what to do !" I seen my mom standing there saying words but I couldn't hear anything . 

next thing I knew I was in the car on the way to the er because I felt like it wasn't gonna stop after they checked me in I sat in the hospital room with an oxygen mask on . All I heard was ringing in my ears as the doctors discussed my diagnosis after awhile I was put on iv with no reasoning as to why . 

once I calmed I rubbed my chest and sniffled as they took it off and gave me a regular oxygen breathing cannula and the doctor walked over "hello dear you feeling better?" I nodded and she smiled kindly " so what we discovered is that you have a panic attack disorder ." 

I rose my brows " you've also been off your meds for your bipolar disorder and anxiety do you care to explain that?" I sniffled "u..uhm the bpd meds make me sleepy and I'm in school and the anxiety ones don't work they just make me hyper focused." 

she nodded taking notes I'm assuming to give to a therapist. she nodded " well now that I have the current information I can work on getting you better medication sound good ?" 

I nodded and she smiled "I'll make a phone appointment to get you scheduled to figure out what medications would you some good yeah ?" 

I nodded and she held up a prescription " I do want something to give you in case this happens again because you can give yourself heart palpitations that could eventually make you fall unconscious."

I nodded yet again giving her my full attention " we are going to give you Xanax this is a controlled substance and if you lose it I will not be able to refill it and I should hope you understand why?" 

I spoke softly " yes ma'am" she nodded " your parents have signed papers already so you should be able to check out in thirty minutes,  we still want to keep you under observation for forty-five minutes more if that's alright of course." 

my mom and dad nodded in understanding she smiled " I'll go print out some other paperwork that could be useful to you okay." 

I nodded and she exited my mother walked over and she kissed my head " I'm sorry I haven't been a better parent to help you get through this troubling time lily."

 I sniffled " I'll live." she ran her hand over her hair " thats not what this is about lil and you know that." 

she sat next to me and wrapped her arms around me I needed her embrace I cried hard and my heart began to speed up again . she lulled me into a state of calmness and swayed me " I got you okay I do always ." 

thoughts? 

ik its been a minute.