A/n: based off this video ⬆️
"So this happened in high school. There was this girl named Cherry Valence, and her dad Mr. Valence was a teacher at our school. And Mr. Valence was a jerk. And one day, Mr. Valence and his wife decided to go out of town, which you should never do if you're a jerk.
So Cherry decides to throw a party at the teachers house. Yay. And everyone around town heard about it and said, "Ok, let's go over there and destroy the place."
I walk into this party, everyone I ever met was there, and everyone was drinking like it was the end of the world. I go into the basement, they have a pool table, and someone took a running start, threw himself on the table, and broke it in half. I believe that someone was Steve Randle. So the party was going great.
Later I found out that someone found Mr. Valence's room and threw all his books and a lamp out the window. I'm standing in the basement and I'm holding a red cup, and I'm starting to black out, and I heard someone say, "Something, something, police."
And in a brilliant moment of word association, I shouted, "I'm innocent of Bob's death!"
And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk toddlers yelling that they were innocent of a murder. With the confidence of Dallas Winston who has already been to jail. But everyone!
The reason someone said, "Something, something, police." Is because the police were there
So a Tulsa police officer walks into the basement of this kid's house to find a sea of drunk children shouting that in his face. And he was almost impressed! And he leaned into his walkie talkie and said, "Get the patty wagon!"
Then my friend Curly, who is now a father, this man now has a baby! He took a bottle, smashed it on the ground, and yelled, "SCATTER!"
We all ran in different directions, I ran into the laundry room and got out the window, and there was a huge chain link fence, and I thought, I have never climbed a fence that high before. Then I woke up at home.
On Monday, I went to school, and I saw Cherry. She said, "Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?"
And I said no. You know, like a liar. She said, "Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone threw a lamp out the window. But the worst part is someone stole these old antique pictures of my grandma. My parents are really freaking out!"
And I had that thought that only black out drunks, and Steve Urcle can have. Did I do that? I figured no. But I wasn't sure until two years later. I'm with my friend Dally who has just started renting an apartment, and he says, "Hey, follow me. I wanna show you something."
And he takes me into a tiny room that is covered wall to wall in stolen antique photos from different people's parties over the years. And I said, "Why! Why do you do this!"
And he said, "Because it's the one thing you can't replace."
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