Unlasting

Brianna

"Hi, baby. "

That was unexpected, and what came next even more so. My mom rushed up from her seat, nearly tripping over herself yet not deterred, as she forcefully hugs me. She didn't look like herself. I thought she'd be fine without me in her life but she looked like a mess. My beautiful and fashionable mother wasn't wearing any makeup, and she had on clothes with gaudy colours.

"I missed you."

"Missed you too mom," I say sceptically.

I wasn't used to all the love and hugs she was giving me right now, I decided to tread lightly.

"Are you okay mom?" I say hesitantly.

She pulled me away from herself, giving me a stare I couldn't comprehend.

"Why? Do I look like I'm not okay?"

She stares at me like the answer to her question was on my face.

"No... maybe... I guess not... I don't know mom, you look different and you're hugging and suffocating me with love. The last time we spoke, I left the house because you did the exact opposite of this so much that I felt you stopped loving me, and we haven't seen each other since then," I blurted out.

I needed to seat down. This conversation wasn't going as I thought it would.

"I'm sorry mom. Let's start all over. How are you? How's Joshua and Kevin doing?"

I see a pained expression on my mothers face as she takes her seat behind her wooden oak desk.

"I don't know," She said slowly, as she struggled to hide her tears from me.

My mother, the confident, strong, career woman, who I have never seen cry before, was almost in tears in her office. If she was crying, it had to be serious.

"Mom?"

I go over to console her.

"It's okay mom. Tell me what happened."

"They left me, Brie. Kevin left," My mom cried.

That revelation blew me away, I'd never been so shocked in my life, except for that one time when I was fifteen and my mom left me at her friends' only for me to find out months later that she'd gotten married. As much as I was confused then, I'm that confused now.

"I told Kevin you were my daughter after you left home."

"I guess I was hoping he'd forgive me and we'll go look for you together, but instead he left and he took Joshua with. I haven't seen my boy in months now, Brie. How could Kevin do this to me?"

"Have you tried calling him?"

"I did. For the first two months, he wouldn't take my calls. The later two months, it went to voicemail and the last time I called, it finally went through. He told me he needed space and time, like staying in a place I didn't know for months wasn't space enough."

"When was that?"

"About a month ago."

"That long? Have you tried calling since then?"

"I have Brie, everyday, but it's going straight to voicemail again. I just feel so frustrated. I guess I'm paying for all of my sins. I hurt you didn't I? I'm so sorry baby."

"It's fine mom. Besides, that's not what matters right now. We need to find Kevin and Joshua."

"What if he doesn't want us looking for them. What if finding them aggravates his anger towards me? I don't want to risk it."

The fear in her eyes reflected in mine and as much as I hated to be in this spot, I had no choice. My mother needed me and I couldn't say no to her. I had to move back in and take care of her and the Kevin situation.

In all honesty, I still hadn't forgiven her for many years of emotional abuse, and I wasn't even close to being over it, I thought I could do it but the moment I saw her, all the anger and pent up emotional pain came rushing back.

I know she deserved some credits for mustering the courage to reveal something so big to the man she loved, and I also know that it must have taken a lot of courage to stay away from Joshua and Kevin, but the longer I thought about it, I got madder at her.

She didn't tell Kevin I was her daughter because she loved me, she told him because she felt guilty I had left the house, and she had no excuse to give him for my absence. Even worse was the fact that she never cried before, not even when I left, and now, she looked like she cried every day because of Joshua and Kevin.

Did I really mean nothing to her...

She feels so lonely without them that she is willing to hug me and let me hug and comfort her, something she'd never allowed before.

That was what this was. It wasn't love between a mother and a daughter, it was a mother using her daughter whom she didn't like as a comfort system until her real family came back.

I refuse to be deceived again.

"Well mom, it's either you go bring them back or you wait it out."

"Okay, what's wrong? What's with that tone?"

"It's nothing. Look, as much as I'm sorry for what you're going through, I have to go now. I have a paper that's due in a week and a part-time job to get to."

I saw my mother's expression change to one of shock as I stood up and got ready to leave.

"You can't mean that. I just told you your father and brother are nowhere to be found and you want to go to a part-time job? Incredulous," she scoffs.

I was at the limit with this woman. Six years of marriage I had to call him uncle, because he didn't know who I was. Now that he's left her, she tells me my father is nowhere to be seen? Who's the one being incredulou?

"I'm sorry about your problems mom, but I have a life to live too. I'll see you some other time."

She got up so fast I could hear the books and pens falling from her table.

"If it's about the money I'll give you as much as you want. Just for ones in your life, think about someone other than yourself."

"What did you say?"

"Exactly what you heard, Brianna."

I didn't believe my ears. It's like I imagined her saying all of those things, and when I refused to believe it, she confirmed it.

Me, the selfish one.

"I'm selfish? Me selfish? I lived my life your way for nineteen years, not once did I complain because I thought you deserved happiness after all you've been through, and today I'm the selfish one?" I yelled.

"You are my mother, yet, for the last six years you made me feel like a burden, and an inconvenience to you. But I never held it against you, and you call me selfish?"

"I have scars that run deep to when I was twelve and not once did I curse you out, because I thought no matter what, you were still my mother, but you never considered me your daughter. "

"I could have told Kevin anytime that I was your daughter, but I chose to live six years of my life calling you aunt, just so you could be happy... and I'm the selfish one."

"I shouldn't have come here, I was wrong to think you had even an ounce of love for a child you carried in your womb and bore, I see now how mistaken I was. Have a good day mom."

"Brie wait. I didn't mean..."