Unlasting

Adrian

Sleep evaded me that night as my brain tried to compose an apology. In retrospect, I didn't think there were words I hadn't said and used at least three times in my quest to right the wrong I'd done.

I still remember the first time I went looking for Kevin after I came out from coma. My mom had helped me get his name and address, and I googled him, only to feel paralyzed on his doorstep when I saw him. He looked nothing like the man I had seen on google. My guilt tripled as I saw his overgrown beard on his lean frame. The man had lost his will to live and all he wanted was for God to take him and stop his pain.

I knelt down before him and apologized, crying bitterly for the mistake I had made. I expected him to yell or curse me like Brie did, it was only fair, but he simply turned away from me, making me more surprised than I was when I first came out of coma and was told no one was pressing any charges against me. I never understood why then and I don't understand why now. The look in his eyes said he wasn't just in pain but he was also angry, and it made me wonder, was that anger not for me? What really happened that night?

In all honesty, that night was a fractionated foggy memory, but I did remember seeing my best friend in bed with my fiancée and driving off on my power bike so fast a Jaguar wouldn't have been able to see my back. I remember trying to avoid a black car at an intersection, but after that, I don't remember anything else. This man was letting a stranger go scot free when he lost his child, walking away from an opportunity for revenge, of course my curiosity was peaked and I wanted to understand why if I was ever going to put this behind me. I followed him quietly into his home, sitting silently  until one of us was ready to talk.

"In one night I lost everything." He smiled bitterly, "like God was trying to punish me for something I did."

He stared into space, tears rolling effortlessly down his face, "I should have died that night. How could I have been so angry and stupid that I forgot to put a sit belt on my son?"

"It wasn't your fault. It was mine for driving at that speed in the middle of the night. Please forgive me."

I wish I'd died instead of the boy.

These were the first words I had said after being told a kid died in the accident, and my mum cried like she had never cried before, begging me never to say those words again and I repeatedly disobeyed, but seeing this man right now gave me a glimpse of how miserable my mom would have been if I had died in the accident, and my guilt rose at how slightly relieved I was that I didn't die.

"My son has been dead for over two weeks now and I haven't told my wife. How could I tell her that I lost our boy. I left home angry and bitter at her for lying to me all through our years of being married, how do I return home and tell her that there was an accident, I had survived but not Joshua? How do I tell her that the boy she carried in her womb and loved more than life itself died because when I was supposed to be watching the road I was cleaning tears that had blinded me." He broke down in tears, covering his face with his palms, moaning loudly.

He was shattered and it was evident he had lost the will to live. He couldn't go home because he didn't think there was a home to go to, and I felt responsible for that. I made up my mind to take responsibility for destroying a family. If time was what he needed, then I would sacrifice myself to buy him all the time he would need.

I offered to go in his stead to help support his family until he was ready to come back home. He looked repulsed at the idea at first but after careful reasoning and a long talk, he began to consider it.

When I made the proposition, I didn't think it would take this long before he would get back to his old self, but It's been over a year now and every time we talked over the phone he sounded more depressed than the last, that's why I couldn't bring myself to tell him about Brie finding out. I desperately needed him to come back, if not for his wife, for Brie's sake. Apart from the fact that she was having a mental breakdown, she loved him and she missed him so much.