Life Of Bayla

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On the morning of the day I was to travel out of Canada, I found myself in Tim Hortons, munching on timbits and sipping on my double double - a coffee with two creams and two sugars, just the way I liked it. Maybe I was hungry, maybe I wasn't. Maybe I just wanted to do a couple of things before leaving here for who knows how long.

Later, I walked down the streets, drinking in the sights and reveling in the crisp cool air that swirled my hair around. I was saying goodbye to a place I once called home.

There's something painful about goodbyes. It's the fact that we're acutely aware of all the things that we still want to hold onto but can't. It's the fact that goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting. It's the fact that it is painful when you know that after saying goodbye to someone dear to you, you'll never say hello again. It's the fact that it is the emptiest yet fullest human message.

Goodbyes are like paved roads that lead you down a new path; one that takes a lot out of you, one that makes you risk all the memories and experiences and sufferings so you can take a chance on something new even though you'll have to risk it all again.

Saying goodbyes are hard. It's hard to turn the page when you know someone won't be in the next chapter but then the story must go on.

And now as I look at the doors at the airport, I wish something or someone can stop me from saying this godawful word. I wish he can barge through those doors and tell me not to leave so we can go back to page one and do this all over again; right the wrongs and make more memories.

I wish Cullen would come and give me reasons not to leave...

It is when it dawns on me how far fetched my wish is that I tear my eyes away from the doors and become aware of the hand hovering over mine.

I twist my head to look at Aaron smiling softly at me. I manage a small smile back and he squeezes my hand gently as if reading my mind and telling me it's going to be okay.

Soon it was time to board the plane. Leaning back in my seat, I forced myself to let go of the illusions dwelling in my head about what could have been with Cullen and focus on the new beginning that was to come. Besides, I never did tell him I was leaving, maybe Aaron did but I doubt he had space in his mind to remember.

Once the plane ascended high up into the sky, surrounded by puffs of white clouds, I glanced out the window and I thought to myself that the most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.

~~~~~

Dad had it all planned out: from the new luxurious home we would live in and down to the new schools Aaron and I would be attending respectively. He was an on air personality for a radio station called What's good, Canada? but had gotten promoted to work in the same radio station located in Australia as the director of programmes so yeah he had the money. He had way more money than before and if there was a testament to how filthy rich my dad was then it was the big pool at the back of the house.

We were based in Perth and lived in a big wooden house in Applecross and it was just me, mom, dad and Aaron. Ian had traveled to Greece for a photoshoot. He was a full time model now that he was done with college so he had a lot of traveling to do.

The house gave off holiday lodge vibes. The interior decor was rustic with cobblestone walls and pillars, expensive brown leather Chesterfields, high ceilings with a vintage chandelier hanging from it, held back by ropes and arrayed on top were artificial candles lit brightly like tiny flames and parquetry floors. Very fancy.

It's like dad's way of pacifying Aaron and me was by giving us really big rooms. If Aaron was impressed, he didn't show it.

My room was a splash of pastel pink and eggshell white. The colours were soothing but not enough to quell the storm of a headache brewing behind my eyes with each second that ticked by.

I plopped down on my bean bag and began to unpack, putting things in place. My eyes fell on a glittery book, almost hidden out of sight on account of all the folded clothes. I dipped my hand into the box and brought it out.

I blew out a breath. Just looking at my diary had unleashed an onslaught of memories. They just kept flooding in and grew more and more overwhelming as time breezed by. Flanking the memories was pain. Indescribable pain that heightened my headache and made my head swim with all my faults and flaws.

I wanted to cry.

My eyes darted to my deflowered diary again. I hadn't written in it since...

Unwanted memories came back and they came with full force, snapping me out of my body to watch myself break down.

You know that feeling you get before you cry? The aggressive stomach churning, the stinging of tears brimming in your eyes, the painful lump that grows in your throat, your palpitating heart and your trembling body? Yeah, I felt it all at once and all I wanted to do was let the tears out, release the endorphins so I could feel better.

But none of that happened.

It was as if, if I tried to cry, my chest would constrict painfully, restricting the tears and fuck, it hurt so bad I lost my mental footing. I couldn't get a grip on mysel and fuck, I couldn't freaking cry.

I wanted to cry.

But I couldn't.

And it went on like that as the year waned. I couldn't trigger the tears. All that weighed me down was my own pain that seemed to become part of me. The intangible feeling had laced with my bones and with it came the memories that had settled in my mind. I tried to push them back but they only resurfaced stronger.

Then it happened.

On the night before I was to start at my new school, I woke up from a startling nightmare starring my past demons. My body was coated in a sheen of sweat and my breathing was ragged.

I clung onto my sheets and tried to steady my breathing. It didn't work.

My feet had a mind of their own as they led me to Aaron's room.

"Bay?" His droopy eyelids flung open and he sped over to me, nearly tripping over his own two feet. His arms came around me, holding me as my legs had turned to jelly. "Shit! Okay, try to breathe. C'mon, just breathe. You can do it. It's okay. Shit!"

I opened my mouth and tried to suck in as much oxygen as I could but it wasn't working. With each breath I took, my chest throbbed.

I was choking on clean air!

My grip on Aaron's body was vice-like as he had resorted to taking me to our parents. Mom and Dad's sleep induced disorientation didn't last for long. In a flash they were at my side, proffering all the measures they could think of.

I didn't even know what was wrong with me...

Dad had 911 on speed dial while mom had a glass of water in hand with Aaron coaxing me to chug it down.

As soon as the consuming emotions ebbed away, I went out like a light.