Letters To Us

The Twenty-Ninth Time I Wrote to You

Hey stranger,

This time I am indeed writing to you as a true stranger, but a stranger I know pretty well. A stranger I once loved and one who I'm taking with me forever, in my heart. You will always be my first love, and the person who helped me grow during the time I needed the most. I was always an impulsive, explosive teenager, and I was in need of someone like you, someone calm, thoughtful, and caring. Did I say calm yet? I'm pretty sure I did.

I want to take the time to write something organised, clear, something I could write in a way that  sounds nostalgic, but not in a too sensible way. I'm doing good in school, even though I fell through during three semesters, but this one is a special one, one during which I think I'll do well. I know you'd be proud of me to know that. Even though I missed a few classes this last week, I feel like I'm slowly but surely getting my motivation back, I feel like I'm okay to attend classes, even if a few of them end up being a little bit boring. The patch has been rough, but I've been trying hard to make the best of it, and I feel like the best move right now is to accept that not all days are going to be easy, and it's going to take me a long time until I can become totally balanced mentally. That's my biggest goal, you know? The physical is okay, I know what to do, but the mental is the biggest challenge for me. I've decided to take it one day at a time, but don't get me wrong, today I even cried my eyes out. I even screamed until I made the downstairs neighbour come to the window to try and figure out what was going on, if I was okay. I was on the phone with my friend, desperate, and he was there, comforting me. 

Oh yes, him. Don't worry, we'll get there eventually, let me just tell you about my surgery first.

On the eighteenth of February of 2021, I had surgery to remove my thyroid. As you know, I used to have hyperthyroidism, which then evolved into a huge amount of toxic lumps on the inside of my throat. Throughout the years, I suffered a few changes in my body, which became drastic after you left me. I went from weighing 62kg, to then weighing 49kg. I was practically disappearing, my bones were all out, and as you can imagine, I felt like no one would love me because I looked just like a bag of bones. Plus, my mental state was completely altered. I fell onto a state of deep depression and feeling of loss and solitude, and gained hyper stress and hyper anxiety. The surgery was the best thing that ever happened to me. After I took this organ out, my life changed, but the anxiety didn't change a lot. That's what takes us back to him.

We have reached a point where so much shit's happened that we're both became afraid of being around each other, even though that's the only thing we want to do. I just wish I could find balance, you know? I wish we could figure out how to meet in the middle, how to reach the dream I've long had of a strong, unbreakable and healthy relationship. It seems impossible, but even if it does, I'm still gonna be here, trying, and trying. I hope I don't reach a breaking point in this situation. I just want to be happy, but I want to be happy with him, and this idea isn't getting out of my head. I love him, and I want him.

Finally, I want to say goodbye. Even though this is the twenty-ninth time I'm writing to you, and not the thirtieth, I feel like I've had enough of hanging onto you for mental relief, and it feels like it's the right time to rely on myself when I need to vent, and so I'm starting a personal diary where 'Diary' is my most recent and helpful sender. Thank you for making me the happiest girl ever, even if it felt like it wasn't for enough time, but now I have to go through this alone, I need to feel myself on all levels.

I will forever love you, and it's safe to say I don't miss you in that way anymore. I will love you as the person who made me happy, as the person who helped me grow, as well as the person who taught me how to love in the right way, and now I have to learn how to put that in practice. I promise I'll try to do my best.

Thank you.

Always and forever,

Mia.