Letters To Us

The Sixth Time I Wrote to You

Hi. This time I'm writing because I don't know who else I wanna write to. I'd write him, but it seems as though I have nothing to say, but I do. I just don't know how to deliver the message. I think it finally hit me, I miss you.

And it is because I miss you that I think it's been getting harder and harder dealing with his attitude. I think he decided to keep himself away from me, just care less and less so he can push me away like he does with everyone else. For me, he's that deep, dark hole, and the worst part is that I don't want to stop falling. It's like my body goes in his direction whilst my head screams for me to go back.

He fills in the space you left empty, and in a way I think I'm dealing with your loss through him, through losing him. You know, things just got messy. Shitty even. I let myself care too much, let myself make up something that will never become real. I just made up a person in my head that he could never be. I'm just regretting letting this get this far. I can't do casual and constant, I'm too broken for that. I can only commit to physical attraction, that's all. But it's weird with him, and for that I blame you. I blame you for breaking my heart, for leaving me with no warning and giving me no time to prepare for not having your presence with me at all times. But I also blame you for making me blame myself for losing you.

I've been writing this letter for two days now, and I have news for you. Tomorrow I'm meeting him in the afternoon, and I'm scared of what may happen. He confuses me a lot, you know? He either tells me that he wants me, or that he doesn't, and everything he has told me until this moment has done nothing but hurt me. He either still loves his ex, or he feels a connection with me. Moral of the story? He hasn't got a single idea about what he wants.

But I'll fill you in tomorrow. I don't really feel like writing anymore.

I still love you,

Mia