Letters To Us

The Eleventh Time I Wrote to You

Hi my love,

Here I am once again. If you didn't know me, you would laugh, but I'm writing this letter in a notebook I bought, because I forgot to buy envelopes. Today I got the news you had applied for Microsoft, something you have been wanting for a while. Congratulations, I am so proud of you. I always knew you could do it, you just had to believe in yourself. I just thought you'd do that while with me, not with her.

You two look happy, fulfilled, and I couldn't wish something better for you. I saw your post, saying that you do care. I just don't know if you're being ironic or honest, since I saw both parts of your post. I hope you meant it, because if you didn't, then you're one, if not the biggest disappointment in my life. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about you, about us, and I seem to have reached many conclusions. Too many, if I'm being honest. I have been reflecting on the day the rug was pulled from under my feet and my world was torn apart, since the day you left me. I understand why you did what you did, why you went away. I just can't wrap my head around what you had to do for that. Why did you feel the need to lie to me? You shouldn't have. Why did you leave behind a mess and didn't come back to fix it? Those are some of the many things I still don't comprehend. It's been almost three months since you broke my heart, but I feel like it has been longer since I broke yours, and I'm sorry for that. Here I am, apologising countless times instead of fixing my mistake. I feel like I know what you'd want me to do to make up for all of this. You'd want me to not miss classes and pay attention to school, you'd want me to keep going to the gym and be honest with myself and others, tap into my feelings, and evolve in every aspect I can.

I can gladly say that I have evolved with my family. You know damn well how dramatic my family relationships always were, and now they're much better. Since you left, there have been a few arguments, because I admit my attitudes were a little bit out of control, but I think I woke up on time. I was rediscovering the person I can be individually, and I feel like I still am, and I guess that's a normal part of the process of healing. Now the tide has calmed down, and I think they're good. They're still worried about me, but they're okay. They're hurt because of you. They took you in as if you were family, and you just left them.You left without an explanation, with no goodbyes, and they're hurt. So am I, but you know that. And it is because you know that so well that I don't understand why you left with no closure.

Other than that, my love life has been messy, very messy. I've told you about the person I've been seeing, and things seem to not have ended yet. After he said he didn't want to be with me anymore, we were together once more. He hasn't left my life, and to be honest I don't think he will, at least not so soon. I don't know what he wants from me, and at the same time I think he doesn't even know what he wants from and for himself. He's lost, with no direction, he doesn't know what he wants and has no plans for anything. We represent a complete paradox. I am a woman of plans and ambitions, and I am someone who knows what she wants. I can't live off uncertainty, but it seems to be hard to leave. I think he has to let me let him go. But, does he want me to go? That, among many, is a question which to this day remains unanswered. Yesterday he proved not to be a man of his word. Well, technically he hasn't yet, but there's still time for him to fail, and honestly I wouldn't expect nothing less. I mean, he hasn't given me any reasons to trust him. 

I'm back home now, and he succeeded. Impressive, I know. It went normally, nothing new. He had friends always waiting for him, so time has lately been reserved for sex, nothing else. But well, we all have needs. At the moment all I'm doing is enjoying the company of a stranger who I know intimately, someone whose lips I taste in private, and whose cheek I kiss in public. I'm way to good for this. That's what you'd say. You'd turn to me and scream at me, saying I was the baddest bitch who ever ruled the world. Nothing could ever put me down, because I would rise with such strength that the devil would tremble. I was your soldier. You'd tell me life is worth living, and that I should be rational and always approach a situation strategically, so I wouldn't end up hurt in the end of the story.

I miss you for that, for the person you were when you were with me. What I loved the most, or for lack of a better word, one of the things I loved the most was how people thought I was the one who wore the pants when it was nothing like that.I was the baby, you were the protector, the care taker. You wouldn't mind that, because you've always been  on the same side of the feminists. I also loved you for that.

Right now, when it comes to him, I'm slowly turning off my brain and I expect nothing. In other words, I expect the worst in order to be surprised by the best. That's the only way I won't hurt myself. I don't wait for texts, calls or any other types of contact. I do get an urge of texting, and most of the times I don't resist it. But I'm human.

I miss your hugs so much, how safe I felt in your embrace. I've been missing you since the last time I saw you, when you left me. It's hard to control, this thing of needing you. You were family, that's all but there's still a knife carved on my back. I think I just need you to hold me one last time. Do you really care?

I'm such a fool. I was wrong. It was I who lost the moon while counting the stars.

I miss you,

Mia