Letters To Us

The Twenty-Eighth Time I Wrote to You

Hey stranger,

I know it's been some time since we've spoken, but shit's been happening. My mental health has been degrading gradually, and I noticed that today, when the therapist called me and asked me where the fuck I was. It seemed I forgotten I had a therapy appointment and went shopping. My head's been roaming around somewhere alone, with no direction, and my soul just walks on earth running away from the demons as fast as possible.

I've reached a point in life where I don't know what to do, I literally have no clue. I don't know what I'm doing with the person I am with now, I don't know for sure what's real and what's not, and an avalanche of things has happened, and it seems to continue happening, but I don't want that, I want peace. I beg for a small period of rest for my brain, but nothing seems to wanna collaborate with me and my well-being.

My grades are not good at all, I lowered to a negative in French, and I haven't been able to keep up with all the work I'm given in college, I've been having difficulty recuperating the habits of yoga, of writing, of reading, and I feel like therapy isn't working anymore... I don't know why, but my therapist says I may not be telling him everything about certain subjects. I mean, I know why, but it has become an unconscious activity of mine. My brain just does it alone, it's a defence mechanism. 

By the way, happy seven year anniversary. Even though I still feel sad and nostalgic when it comes to you, I have forgiven myself for that, because I'm human, and as soon as I acknowledge those feelings, I can evolve. I forgive you for everything you have done, and I want you to know that if you are okay, then I am okay. We grew up together, fell in love with a dream that unfortunately did not realize, but that is okay too. We served the mission of teaching each other, and then we were ready to move our separate ways. I just want you to be happy, and be your best self, like I always wanted you to.

I have been trying to be happy, but it's been proving very difficult. I've been having frequent episodes of low self-esteem and self-doubt, I haven't been loving myself as I look in the mirror. I feel deformed, I don't feel pretty. When I see my reflexion I see a girl whose tired, in pain, and I don't wanna see that. I wanna see someone who has grown, who is happy, but he makes it so hard. I have feelings for him, and I wanted us to be utterly and eternally joyful, but it's hard. It's been hard to the point where it now provokes these moments of paranoia on me that I cannot control. Yeah, and today I noticed that my thyroid lump is filling up with liquid, and it stands out like a sore thumb. Everybody looks at it, everybody asks questions about it, everyone talks about it. I feel like an alien.

Remember that girl I told you about? Well, did I tell you about this girl? I don't even know. We're talking about a long black haired girl, with blue eyes and a body to envy. This is the girl all us girls know about, "that girl", the one who is a constant issue, the one who in the beginning seemed like nothing of that much importance but she still stands in the back of your thoughts. It was this girl for me, one who he had been with early this year, and the one who he 'cheated' on me with. I mention cheating between two commas for the sole reason that we were supposedly in a romantic involvement which is not an official relationship, where I got prosecuted every time I answered a message from someone who did not interest me, and then when it came to him, I had to shut up and keep going, because I was just being paranoid. Well, it seems that this bitch has some paranoia on point. And believe it or not, she's the one who told me. 

I decided to message her, and we ended up on a phone call where she told me they were together in October, and then I just did my math and the result was that month's first week. I was torn apart to the thought of having a nineteen year-old little girl being the reason why I was humiliating myself, as well as other things. Things like him touching her the way he touches me, him kissing her in the same places he kisses me, him, her, him provoking her the same desire he provokes in me. And above all, I imagine him loving it, because in his own words, she's an expert at what she does.

There are many questions unanswered, and I have been having constant anxiety from the moment I wake up, to the moment I go to bed, and I know I need every single thing told to me, with honesty, in order to fully process what happened, and heal. While studying, I find myself looking to my left and admiring my reflexion in the mirror, and then the thought of them in bed having sex pops up. I imagine every single aspect, either on a physical or a mental aspect, and it fucking sucks. It sucks to the point where I doubt everything in me, physical and psychological. I think about every detail of the person I am, and I question it. I feel ashamed to walk in the street with a major lump in my throat, having a deformed body part, I think about how small my ass is, I judge my every action to make sure it is girly enough, and most of the times it doesn't go well.

My heart's broken, shattered, completely. I don't even know where air hid most of its pieces. Tonight I found out that he asked a girl for her Instagram account, and was suddenly interested in knowing all about her. I hate it because I still allow myself to have his presence in my life in this way when I know I'm just humiliating myself. He acted like I was the one at fault, like I was the one who did this, and I wasn't. This happened four days ago, and two weeks ago he promised. He promised he was gonna get better, be different, but I guess those promises were nothing but empty. 

Now you ask the reason why I girl like me would subject herself to this. I don't know. I just wanted someone who could just want me, appreciate me, care for me. I feel trapped, and I have to get out, but I don't have enough strength. I feel weak. Help me.

I hope to bring better news tomorrow.

Love,

Mimi