Letters To Us

To What We Could Be

I would like to start this letter by apologising for every single thing I have done to you, any way I may have hurt you. I have never been one to be evil, but through all that time I spent with you, I started becoming just that. I never wanted to hurt you, or make you unhappy; I also wish to lament for all the things I'm about to say, because even though I badly want to be with you, I'm not going to sit here and write something pleasing to the ear and the heart. I'm here to tell my truth, and that's what I'll be doing.

After failing in the attempt of any emotional connection, I did what the usual broken hearted girl does. I signed on Tinder. Yes, Tinder. I expected to simply do all which was possible to maintain skin to skin contact, and I ended up drowning in my own emotions. There was this one day where I met this boy. 2019 was almost over, and I wanted to enjoy all I could, so I kept talking. I knew I had met him before, I just didn't know from where, but I let that slide for a couple of days, until I saw him for the first time, in the flesh. 

It was him.

It was the boy I had seen in a club while on vacation with my best friend. He caught my eye, but I let it go because I had a boyfriend, and eventually he disappeared, and I never saw him again, until that day.

It was magical. Well... Magical and embarrassing, I would say, due mainly to the fact I was a twenty-two-year-old who lost her virginity with her ex boyfriend, at sixteen. I know, incredible. I had been in a serious relationship for six years, and the way pain consumed us, also made me lose the passion, the desire. I had no experience, but the charisma was there, I think that's what made you stay longer. I still remember it, and sometimes I even play it back in my mind. Don't tell anyone I said this, please. 

I've always been a strange girl. To this day, I still don't know what made you notice me. I didn't wear any jewellery, I used to hate it, and I never paid much attention to the way I dressed. I'd usually pick out some black jeans and a usual sweater, it was nothing special. I've never been very confident during intimate moments, I actually considered myself bad at it. Above all, I've never felt this for anyone, this magnetism, this constant desire of being with you, of feeling you're there, this supernatural attraction. When he looks at me, it feels right, but then...

Then I found out.

I found out about things I don't ever wish my own enemies find out about. I learned it was all an illusion, and I fear it was a one sided love, or if there was any love at all. I paid the cost of loving someone too much, and it hurts. I felt disgusted, I felt ugly, useless, unworthy of love.  I felt like a true burden, an alarm that goes off every time it can. I became controlling, I doubted every single move, yours or mine. I learned what possessive was, and worst, I lost my own essence. 

I know I have hurt you in many ways, but you broke me. You were the one who finally put me down. I never thought I would get to know what true pain feels like, I was never prepared to learn that your lips touched another's lips, your hands traced the shape of another's body, you connected with someone else, and it did not seem to faze you at all. At one point it seemed as though you considered it something normal, and I remember once when you said I just had to deal with it. You made them the same promises you made me, but you seemed to notice them more than you did me. And I know this may seem snobby, but you hid me from your social life. I don't know why you did that, or maybe you didn't, I just felt bad. 

I also never did understand the reasons why you pushed me away more and more, all I did was try to love you, and you know you weren't you when with me, you didn't give me all you could, because you really couldn't.

I understand you are hurt, I understand exactly what you feel. I've felt it more times than I can count. I'm sorry, but I feel like that is the truth. Incredibly, I can't make myself hate you, I can only think about how much I want to be with you. 

All I dream about is of starting over, and solely build a good, solid friendship. I don't think we can be together right now, but I would enjoy to get to know you as a friend, a good one. We need some time so we can be okay with ourselves first, and maybe some day we can bring the love back, maybe one day we get the opportunity of being together, of being happy. Who knows what may happen, but all I know is that I don't want to lose you completely.

I made a promise, I intend to keep it. I just need to know it will be a promise of a better future.

Love,

Mia