Letters To Us

The Tenth Time I Wrote to You

Hey, it's been a while. I'm writing to you on Valentine's Day, the first time I am alone, and you're with someone else. I heard it's her birthday, so, happy birthday. You have the man I was supposed to be happy with, forever. You were able to get inside his head and manipulate him as much as possible. you wrecked a home and were proud of yourself. I guess that says more about you than it does about me. But don't worry, because he's at fault too. He just lost the moon while counting the stars.

Unfortunately, I did a lot of things, very bad things, ones I regret to this day and will do for some reason. I'm not proud of my actions, even the ones I repeated. But, you know what? You could have done better as well. Let's just be realistic. You have always been an amazing person, but you failed me as a boyfriend. Ultimately, you failed as a person. Do you know how long it takes me to trust people? Do you even have any idea of how hard that is for me? You've hurt me too much, you broke me the moment you lied to me. How could you? Tell me how you were capable of betraying me like that. I hate you for that, I really do. You have no idea how it feels to not imagine yourself with anybody else but that one person. There's nothing worse than that.

But I must admit, I have created a connection with someone else, but I would never see us come true. Loving each other is a feeling we would never know, because unfortunately for us, the privilege of love is still on the hands of the ones who hurt us. I didn't feel enough for you, and now I don't even feel enough for him, enough for myself. Do you know how that feels? Knowing that the one you want only wants someone else, is the worst feeling ever. I just wanted a little bit of his heart, wanted to feel like he was actually afraid of not having me in his life. And what about knowing, deep down, that the one person you want is only with you for physical pleasure? That, my old acquaintance, is the one thing which will torment you every day. Why isn't he brutally honest? I'd much rather repair a broken heart than having it break a hundred times. I can only wonder. I feel like I'm gonna come out of this without any heart left to rebuild.

I don't know what else to say about this than what has already been said. Please know that I still miss you, and when I do, my heart aches.

In hopes you can forgive me,

Mia