Letters To Us

Finally, This One's For Him

I find myself finally being able to write to you, maybe because the emotions inside of me have settled down for a little bit. 

It seems that it wasn't the right time for us, you're too broken and I'm just too damaged. Maybe through this letter I can let you in on who I am and what's really been happening inside of me. My favourite color is orange, but lately I've been leaning more towards purple, and my favourite movie is the adaptation of Nicholas Sparks' "The Best of Me". I love reading, from fantasy to romance, but curiously enough I've been working on a sci-fi book I can't seem to finish. I'm impulsive, arrogant and loud, but I'm also kind, loving and sweet. I mask my unsettlingly warm heart with the toughest personality ever, and every smile I put on covers an unbearable weight of pain, suffering and loneliness. I've suffered from body dysmorphia for a while, and since recently I've been battling obsessive compulsive disorder triggered by periods of extreme stress and anxiety. This is a mental disease I have to battle every single day. I must say, the highs are high, but the lows... The lows become as low as they could ever be. I'm the most fierce and loyal friend you could ever have, I hate lies and inconsistency, but most of all, when I care for someone, I care deeply, even if they stab me in the back a thousand times.

That's how I feel about you. I care for you, deeply. I don't love you, that's a privilege which unfortunately still belongs to somebody else, but I do care, and I think I care too much even. I wanted to start by remembering our brightest times. I remember the affection, the attention. I also have this image stuck in my head of you, sitting on my bed with me on your lap, kissing me gently and looking at me whilst tracing the lines of my face and tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. I remember the laughs, the long stares, the jokes. Most of all, I remember the pain we shared. It felt good at the time, knowing that there was someone I could relate to, that there was someone as broken as I was. I've been walking down memory lane and looking back at the night we were in the park, alone. The moon glared and the stars were out, you were sitting down on a bench and I had my head on your shoulder, by back against your chest. It felt so natural, so good and perfect, so meant to be.

But... How could it have been so fake? How could you leave me behind and not come back to rescue me? The questions that float around in my head seem to be increasing by the day, and I don't know what to do about that. I keep thinking and thinking, and the more I do, I find that all the questions remain, and no answer appears. I don't know what else to say but that you hurt me, you weren't honest with me, nor yourself.

I keep getting the feeling that I don't wanna lose a friend like you. But is it because I think you'd be a good person in my life, or because I still hope that something more will happen? I think we both know option number two is the one which applies best and I'm still not even sure about the first one. Someone once told me I should tell you if I had feelings for you, and I did. But, what good did that do to me, to us? It only kept you further away, and I just wanted you closer, even after all the things you did.

I don't understand you, honestly. You told me to go, to turn around and never come back. You told me it was over, but that you wouldn't exclude the possibility of having something romantic with me in the future. Why would you do that? You don't wanna be with me, but you get upset when I saw I was with other men. I am not yours, but you show jealousy. You still love her, but you feel a special connection with me. Why? For what? Why won't you just come clean with me and tell me what the hell you want? It's like our relationship consists of us sitting down waiting for the demons to start running in our direction and hunt us down.

All I have now is my imagination, my thoughts on something that could've been true. I imagined us together, happy. A couple of people very distinct from each other with the most bizarre relationship. All this weirdness, yes, but I see it as something that would work. However, all I have left are memories of the past and plans for a future that will never exist. I only ask you to let me let you go, if there isn't the real possibility of us becoming something. I ask you to be happy, and hope you'll be safe in the arms of another, because I can't take the weight of your broken soul anymore. I've jus ran out of love to give.

My most sincere love,

Mia