Letters To Us

The Fourth Time I Wrote to You

Hi, I'm back. I started writing something for him but I took in a piece of advice you once gave me and decided to apply it as soon as the tip of the pen reached the paper. You once told me "Just tell me, I'll help", so that's what I'm doing.

As I once told you, in the first letter, he's a magnetic force of a man, but he's both a positive and negative force, though he's more on the negative side. You'd look at him and would see danger, I'm sure. But lately I seem to be making many deals with the devil. I know what I'm doing,  but... Do I, really?

I've asked for just a little bit of his heart, but it seems that even that is toxic. I admit, I feel like the fool here. I feel like I'm being used in every way, and the worst part is that I keep enabling the situation. I think it's because I like him, and I just think I don't want to say it, lay it all down. I lied when I said I wasn't sure if I  liked him or not, I'm just petrified of that thought. You know me, and since you do, you know that feeling has always been a problem for me, and liking or loving someone entails dealing with someone's darkness, and I'm not prepared to absorb someone's pain while my own suffering has been eating me away for the past few days.

I spent last night with him, and I don't know what to think of that. He's a beautiful person on the outside, but I'm just not sure if the inside is the same as the outside. We spent the night tracing each other's body lines, looking at each other, sharing affection. However, the night ended for me as soon as I asked "Why me?". Again, you've known me for a long time, and you know that the person only has to say one bad thing, and that will take away all of the good. You wouldn't believe, but the first thing he told me was that I was 'hot', and the last one was that this 'would be nothing than casual'. Do you believe this?

He's still tied down, connected to her, but keeps telling himself that he's not, that she disgusts him. Honestly, it's horrible for me. I don't wanna hear about her, or about them, but at the same time I keep asking myself if I'm enough compared to her. Why would I think that? I told him once that I didn't wanna be a rebound, I didn't wanna cover the emotional hole she left, but he told me I was none of that, and I just couldn't believe him. What he doesn't know is that I will be forever connected to you, my best friend, even if our friendship only exists in paper, in these letters where I expose my true feelings.

You'd tell me he's toxic, and I shouldn't care that much about people who just don't put any work into being with me. I remember I once asked you the same thing I asked him, and you said it was because my intriguing self made my personality so interesting. And there's the difference between a man and a boy.

I think I have officially unplugged. If he wants me, he has to look for me, and if he doesn't do so, he'll just end up losing the moon while counting the stars, because I won't be here.

I'm sorry I'm bothering you with this, I just had to vent.

In hopes you can forgive me,

Mia