For Him Again

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Hi angel,

This time I'm writing to you, I think it's already the third time within the sea of letters I have been writing for the past few months. I hope this is the last time I write about how much of a disappointment you have been.

I'm sorry, but I can't deal with you, I don't know how to. Well, it's not that I don't know how to, it's just that you don't let me. I don't know the reason why you do what you do, but you hurt people so much, and you don't even know that you do. Maybe you do know you hurt them, and you just don't care about it.

I admit it, I got attached, I did. Maybe because I was weak at the time, and I truly was, I had just had my heart broken in a million pieces. I thought I would be with him for the rest of my life, you know? But then there you were, damaged, fragile, broken, and so was I. I thought we could heal each other, and I started making up a picture in my head, not of the person you could be, but of the person I wanted you to be, and that wasn't realistic. I didn't know you at the time, and so I just kept going and going, and now here I am, suffering again. Suffering for a person who couldn't be better without me. I don't understand. At this moment my mind is empty, but at the same time confused, blurry. I have no idea what to think. You don't want me, but it seems that you get hurt when I tell you I was with someone else. Or maybe that's just the feeling you get when your ego gets hurt. 

I wrote something to you in Portuguese, because I know you don't read English, and that's okay. I did it because I thought I could show it to you, you could read it, and maybe we could reach a conclusion together, we could finally cross the T's and dot the I's, but you never showed up, like you said you would. I don't think I can count on you, or maybe you're lost as well, and you don't know how to do any type of relationship, be it romantic, friendly, or whatever other kind of relationship there is. Do you understand?

The reality is that my relationship ended after six years of loving someone, and I was lost. I didn't know what to do, and with who. I just wanted a warm body, someone whose skin I could feel against mine, pleasure to replace attention. You asked for exclusiveness, and at the moment I thought a woman like me didn't have to give such thing to any man, I should be free. But I did that, I chose to give you that, even if there was people from all over the place wanting to be with me. I told them no, because even with all the flaws you have, I wanted you, and I was at peace with my decision. I didn't see the signs, the red flags, even when you told me you'd drive me crazy and then leave suddenly. I thought you were joking, but you weren't. You really weren't. 

At a certain moment, we were working so well, that I even told myself "I could get used to this". Even though there was I someone I loved deeply, and still love to this day, I could have gotten used to your taste, your lips, your face. I really could have, and I did, but then I fucked myself over and over again. Even after everybody told me not to do it, to jump the boat while I still had a chance, I didn't. Guess the boat sank with me inside. I'm drowning and drowning and I keep trying to swim to the surface, but I can't, because even though you don't want me, you're always there.

After it all ended, I understood, you know? I still love him with as much strength as I used to, and if he ever came back into my life, I don't know what I would do, hence why I say I was okay with you wanting to go back to her. But what did you do? Of course you didn't try to regain her trust, her love. You went and got involved with another girl. How do you think that makes me feel? Because after, you were with me again. What do you think that says about you? That truly tells me you are lost. Not that you don't care, and not that you are a shitty person, it just says that you have no idea of what you want in life.

It brakes my heart to know that you were with somebody else, it brakes me for myself, and for the one person you showed love for, the one you said you wanted to go back to. Thank God you didn't, because those are actions of a pig, and she doesn't deserve someone like that. Not her, and not me either. It hurts to know that I'm nothing but an object to you, nothing but a person who's overflowing with attention to provide, the one you look for when no one else remembers you.

I look at you, and all I see are the screams, the insults, the text that said "But after? Yes". That destroyed me, because I have been here, looking like a dummy, and you slap that on my face, like it was nothing. You were disgusting, I hated you, and I hate you because of all of that. You were a pig. I don't know why, nor how you could have done that, because you are a good person, but it's hard to watch you fall off the edge ever so slowly and not be able to help. You want to stay broken, and so that's how I will leave you. 

I don't know what to write anymore, there's not much else I could say to be honest. I idealised something without a label, with no pressure, nothing official, nothing not official, but something constant, something good. I wasn't expecting to be used like this, I didn't expect to have someone who made me feel I wasn't interesting, someone who made me feel like an object. I stopped trusting you, I stopped believing in what you say. Unfortunately, these are the consequences of your acts.

I just want you to know that I'm too good of a woman for this, I'm too good to be used whenever you want and however you want. I'm not gonna be here much longer, neither as a friend or whatever the fuck. We could've gotten into something with no plans, no expectations, but you only want someone to use when you want, and I can't do that.  I'm an amazing woman, who doesn't deserve to be treated the way you treat me. If you want to be with me and at the same time be with other women, I'm sorry but a friendship is all you're strictly gonna get. I'm too good to lose my time with you.

Love,

Mia

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