Letters To Us

The Twenty-Seventh Time I Wrote to You

Hi there,

I'm back after a long time of debating whether or not to write to you once again. I kept thinking about how good it would actually do to me, but then I realised it was not writing that made me think more about you than I should.

I'm sitting at a cafe writing this letter in my French notebook. I have an exam tomorrow, and I can't focus until I tell you what I've been meaning to. I've been sitting here for a while now, and before I do anything else, I wanna tell you that you may have won the battle; I don't think I'll stop writing, I don't feel capable to move on. I know that someday I'll look back on our story and not cry, but until that day I have to process this my way, slowly but surely. I'll get there eventually.

Your birthday was on the 28th of May, and I was dying to call you and to talk to you, like always. I tried, I did, but I just couldn't press the button to make the call, so I just texted you. I wished you a happy birthday, I told you I was proud of you, and that I hope we could, one day, be friends. Do you remember what you said? You said 'Thank you'. You were bitter, and I deserved better, and you know that. You hurt me that day, because I thought you cared about me, but it seems that you don't. I lost more than my senses, because as you said, the six years we spent together were great, but then, months after we broke apart you deleted two pictures I took of you from your Instagram. I know you didn't do it because you wanted to, but because she asked you to. At least you were loyal to her, but maybe deleting those pictures made you think more about me than you should have. I just don't see the point in erasing me from your life. I existed, and the more you try to forget me, the more you remember. I don't know how you do it to be honest. I can't turn it off, it's just not that simple.

This is to say that you've been on my mind lately, and I think I can tell you why. You remember him don't you? I'm still seeing him. Don't ask me why, because I don't know either. He's still very much in love with her, and to be able to 'move forward', she couldn't be on his mind as much as she is. That's why I think you're still on my mind, because I need to love you in order to avoid feeling anything for him. We're friends, he says, but he gets jealous every time it involves another man, just like I get jealous whenever there's another girl involved. He wants to be with me, and he misses me, and he wants to see my phone, but we're just friends. I know  what you're thinking. Does he show me his phone? No, he doesn't. How can I give something to someone if they don't give me the same in return? I can't show my phone if he doesn't show me his, just like I can't feel anything for him if he doesn't feel the same for me too.

He says he cares about me in a special way, but I feel everything for him, the adrenaline, the pain, the passion. I'm fending for myself now, I have no one else to rely on other than myself, and him being constantly present only hurts me more, because in the long run, when he leaves, my heart's gonna break all over again, and I'm gonna have to start this hurtful healing process again. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to survive one more heartbreak. Honestly, I'm scared. After all, I'm still human, and a person can only take a certain amount of pain.

As you may have noticed, I feel confused, I really don't know what to do. I look at me and I see nothing special, and these girls he talks to... they make me doubt every single ounce of myself, my teeth, my hair, my face, my body. He keeps telling me that he likes as I am, and that he's with me, but my own insecurities make it too hard to believe him. In my mind, I know he talks to other girls, and that scares me, it makes me feel replaceable, disposable; and when he shows me other girls he's been with, I feel ugly. They have light coloured eyes, their hair is pretty, and they have amazing bodies. I feel inferior.

I either suffer for him or I suffer for you, and I'm on the edge of breaking. I can't wait for exam season to be over so I get the hell out of here.

I miss you more than I should,

Mia