Should've Never Said It Back

chapter 10

au// the picture for this chapter was done by my amazingly talented friend on twitter, ryokeiiart, I'd 100% recommend following her, she is so talented and I love her tons. As always, make sure you're drinking enough water because you all matter to me and I love you. You are so valid :) 

leave comments if you want, they make me smile.

tw// death

He held his mothers hands, tears in his eyes. The news that the doctors brought to him made him feel weak in the knees. Sure, his mother didn't support him for being bisexual, and sure his mother used to be abusive, but she was still his mom. She had her amazing moments, the moments that made him smile. He tried to forget the bad memories and replace them with the best ones, knowing he really loved him mom. There she was, breathing raspily, holding on to the last strands of life. 

Sapnap squeezed her frail hands, and he perked up when he felt a squeeze back. "Sapnap? Oh my baby, you're here!" she talked softly, too weak to speak up. Sapnap smiled but felt his heart drop. His mother saw him yesterday and they had a discussion. She was forgetting. A tear dropped down her face, 

"sapnap darling, everything hurts." sapnap tried to stay strong, "I know, its ok, I'm here." He kissed her forhead, and hugged her gently. 

"Can I see karl? You talked about him so much and I- I can't remember what he looks like. I want to make sure my son is marrying someone perfect." sapnap almost sobbed at that one sentence. 

"Of course, here's my favorite picture of him." he pointed to a picture of karl, laughing heartily while sapnap kissed his cheek, that was when they took a trip to the bahama's last summer, and it was one of his favorite memories. Karl's soft fluffy hair, and perfect smile made the memory even more precious. "Sapnap, he's gorgeous. Tell me about him." she groaned softly in pain, but smiled at the picture. 

"What to say about karl.. Well, I've known him since I was 18, he has the most adorable laugh ever, when he talks about something he loves, his smile is so genuine, you can't help yourself from smiling as well. He's so perfect mom." Sapnap's eyes sparkled as he talked about his beautiful fiancé, and he briefly forgot his mom was hanging onto her last moments. 

"I'm so glad.." she started coughing, and on the heartrate monitor, it started speeding up. Sapnap felt his stomach drop, "mom, hey mom look at me. I love you." she weakly smiled, "sapnap my love, I'm so sorry. For not accepting you, for not always being there," tears rolled down sapnap's cheeks as he kissed his mother on her cheek. 

"It's ok. It's ok mom, I forgive you." She hugged him weakly, and sapnap held onto her. He didn't want her to go. "I really wanted you to be at the wedding mom." 

"I know my love, just know that I love you. I always have." her eyes started to droop, and they shut. "Mom?" sapnap weakly spoke almost afraid he wouldn't hear a response, "don't worry my love, I'm just tired." he nodded, still holding her frail hands. "I love you mom." Sapnap said, kissing her knuckles. He saw her lips curve slightly, but then fall. The heartrate monitor made a low steady note, and sapnap collapsed, letting go of the pain and trying to accept the fact that she was gone, although his mind yelled that was impossible. "There's no way, she's not gone." he sniffed, trying to hold her lifeless body as the nurses watched silently. They didn't have to tell him the blunt truth, he knew. That was what made him not able to function. The truth of it all. The truth of knowing she was gone. He could never make another memory with her again. Never see her smile, never hear her voice, nothing. She was only a memory. Only a past moment. She was not coming back, no matter how hard Sapnap sobbed and prayed. He begged, he pleaded for one more moment. He just wanted to hear her say his name. Any noise or movement would be more than enough. That's all he wanted. But he knew deep down he wasn't going to get it. So he sobbed and the nurses let him.