Should've Never Said It Back

chapter 13

au// I love you guys, and I'm sorry that my writing kinda sucks my mental health is failing I'm sorry, I literally got a 0.5% on my fucking quiz like who the fuck fails that bad? And my kinda but not really gf broke up with me so like that was fun.. anyways enjoy this depressing story.

tw// unhappy couple and shit

The orange sun slowly crept into the marble kitchen's window, and karl's grey eyes sparkled as the sun descended. He was seated on the counter, his mind running through the possibilities of Sapnap. There was obviously something wrong, karl knew that. 

He bit the inside of his cheek, knowing that mental health had always been a struggle for the raven haired boy. Karl had brought him out of a dark place, and sapnap promised he would never go back, and if he did go back to his old actions he would tell karl and get the help needed. There was something wrong, and Karl didn't want there to be. 

He cared too much, he always cared. Someone could bully him for years, but if something bad happened to them, karl would be there to help. He was so selfless, and sometimes people took advantage of that. Karl looked down at his ring, twisting it softly. 

"Please, please let sapnap be okay." Karl mumbled a prayer, he wanted to help sapnap, but didn't know how. He jumped off the slick counter, pacing back and forth across the floor. It was 6:39, about 30 minutes since sapnap left. Anything can happen in 30 minutes. Karl had called sapnap multiple times to receive no answer. 

His stomach grumbled, and he sighed softly. Tonight was supposed to be a dinner date for them, karl had forgotten. He slid across the floor with his socks, opening the fridge, scanning for something to eat, and hopefully get his mind off his fiancé. He grabbed leftover burgers that sapnap had made yesterday, putting one into the microwave. He drummed his fingers on the counter, waiting for something. He felt his gaze drift to the door, he wanted it to open, for sapnap there with his bright smile and sparkling eyes, for them to connect together in a long kiss, and apologize. But the door stayed shut, the house stayed silent other than the whirr of the microwave. It beeped, and karl walked over, biting in and hissing at the heat. He set another burger aside for sapnap, just incase. 

Karl pulled out a matchbox and lit the candle that sapnap had bought karl for christmas, pretending that karl wasn't alone, rather that he was at a restaurant. "Mm, this burger is divine" he smiled softly to himself, then made his voice deeper, as to be sapnaps. "So true my love, it is delicious. Just like you." 

He had a conversation with himself, and for a bit he forgot how lonely he was. The smell of the candle waved around him, the lavender soothed him. He washed off his plate, still glancing towards the door. He turned on his tv, watching as he grabbed some chips to settle into watching a movie, trying anything to get his mind off. He saw a wedding ad, of course, and shut off the television, rubbing his eyes as he burrowed into his couch. 

He felt tired, but so sick. Karl didn't know what he did, and more than anything, in that moment he wanted to know. He wanted to embrace sapnap and apologize for whatever he did, whatever that was. He just wanted to be normal again. That must've been too much in that moment, because he got anything but that. Instead, karl got fear, anxiety in thinking. Sapnap always acted so tough, but he took so much to heart. Karl knew that, and prayed that he didn't do anything that made sapnap act out further. He couldn't lose sapnap, not now. 

He loved sapnap with his whole heart, thought about him constantly. His soft lips, the way his mouth curved into an awkward smile when he was proud, his innocent gaze at karl that sapnap thought karl never saw (which karl did), the way his eyes sparkled in the sun, his gentle touch, how sapnap would mumble in his sleep, how he would dance with karl in the kitchen, how he bought a trampoline so that karl could have a sleepover with him on it, which had always been karl's dream, how he made karl more comfortable in whatever ways were needed, how his voice deepened when he was serious, everything. 

He was karl's everything. He didn't realize that tears had started to fall until he realized his hoodie was stained with tears. He missed sapnap, not only now, but how they used to be. They were getting closer to the wedding, but farther apart. He didn't want anything to happen to his fiancé, his love, his inspiration. 

Karl pulled his knees up to his chest, burying his head into his legs, and softly whimpered. He just wanted sapnap. He wanted everything to be okay. He heard his doorbell ring and sprung up. A twinge of hope carried him across the floor, he slid towards the door, and opened it with a wide smile. 

And surely enough, there was his wide eyed fiancé. Karl tackled him with a hmph, pulling him into a deep hug, his shoulders moving up and down as he sobbed into sapnaps hoodie. "I'm so sorry. I'm so so so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you and I love you more than anything. You're so beautiful, and absolutely perfect. I love you in every way." Sapnap's lips curved into a smile as his fiancé rambled on. 

"Where the hell were you though?" karl's eyes were soft and concerned. "I um went for a walk.. I needed to clear my head. I'm so sorry for hurting you. There was no excuse for me to do it, no matter what you did." Karl slid his hand into sapnaps, kissing him lightly. "Well. I forgive you, do you maybe just want to cuddle?"

"I'd love to." 

They lay together, bodies intertwined, but there was still tension. Still memories of what happened. No matter how hard they tried to ignore it, it wasn't perfect.

And both of them doubted that it would ever be again.