Should've Never Said It Back

chapter 14

au// bro this is crazy i'm almost at 500 reads!! Im gonna make a one shot story after this and i'm having my friends pre-read it so that i make sure those stories are pog, already have made 3 people cry over my angst fjwljfl. I'm so sorry for the slow updates i'm busy watching karl and sapnaps streams HDOAKFPAP but it's fine ily guys <3

tw// the voices (not the pog ones), self harm in multiple forms

Dinner was silent. Karl was eating his chinese food quietly, sapnap sipping his water without a noise. It was too hard to talk about it. They were afraid. Sapnap would rather stab himself with a fork than admit that he was struggling.

you're so selfish, making karl worried about you.

sapnap softly whimpered at the words. They burned. They made his head spin and his tongue go numb. The words they said always made him feel weak, powerless. Sapnap knew they were right, and that's what hurt him the most. He was a fucking mess. He couldn't sleep anymore, he barely ate, and he judged himself so hard. He stood up from the oak table, grabbing his barely touched plate full of food. "Sap, please eat some more, it's not healthy." karl whispered.

"I don't care. I don't feel good, karl. I don't want to eat." He muttered and karl stood, "Just 4 more bites for me. You took like 2. You don't eat anymore sapnap, I noticed."

fuck. karl did know. what else did he know? Did he know that sapnap cried himself to sleep? Did he know that sapnap would cut his arms sometimes just to feel the warm trickle of blood, some warmth?

"I'm fine karl."

"Sap, you're not. And that's why i'm worried. it's been 1 week since you.. went to the bridge and you haven't been the same. Please sapnap, talk to me." Karl stepped closer to the shaking man, his hand reaching up to caress his cheek. "I can't" sapnap softly mumbled, and karl looked hurt.

"Yes you can, come on sap, we can sit down and talk. I won't get mad at you, i just want you to feel better."

don't tell him. He's lying. He doesn't love you. No one does.

"Karl.. they won't let me." the raven haired boy leaned into karls touch. "Who? i'll beat their ass." sapnap smiled softly at the sentence, "you can't beat them up. it's a voice. in my fucking head. and it won't leave." Karl pulled sapnap closer, kissing the top of his head. "It's alright." sapnap sobbed into karls chest, he wept as karl slowly walked them to the couch. karls eyes were filled with pain. he hated sapnap like this. it broke him. they lay down together, karls arms tightly around him. "Make them stop. please karl." karl just pulled sapnap in closer. "I can't- baby i can't. i just can't. Sapnap if I would have to die for them to go, I would." Karl just held him as he sobbed.

weak. you're making it so karl wants to die. do you hear him? you cause him pain. i'm the only one who cares for you.

the voices rang loud in his ears and sapnap shuddered. "Please karl, it hurts so bad." karl felt so weak, so helpless. his sobbing fiancé begging him for comfort, and him just hugging him. "Do you want me to sing?" karl whispered, looking down into the wet eyes of his sapnap. sapnap nodded, and shuddered.

you're so beggy. he doesn't want to help you. he just wants you gone-

the voices got softer and softer as karl started to sing their song.

"Love is the answer, at least for most of the questions in my heart. Like why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?"

sapnap looked into the grey eyes of his fiancé. The voices were almost a whisper. Karls voice was smooth like silk, he always hit the notes perfectly. And even if he messed up, it sounded like sweet honey, comforting him and filling him with warmth. Karl always said he hated his singing voice, but sapnap adored it. He could listen to karl hum a melody all day. Not only was karl singing beautiful, but the way he sang the words. the emotion, the love. As karl sang their wedding song, he wanted to pause time, just stay with karl in this moment forever.

"It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving, I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together." Karls eyes shut as he sang, his cheeks a dusted pink. If sapnap wasn't mistaken, a lonely tear was sitting on his cheek. sapnap wiped it off and karls lips curved.

"Mmm, it's always better when we're together. Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together. Well, it's always better when we're together. Yeah, it's always better when we're together" As karl sang, sapnap started to hum the tune, their voices paired perfectly. Karl looped his hand into sapnaps squeezing tightly.

"You look so pretty sleeping next to me, but there is not enough time, and there is no, no song I could sing, and there is no combination of words I could say, but I will still tell you one thing" Karls voice was breaking, tears streaming. Time. The thought of their time being limited, the thought that one day it would be just karl or just sapnap, it made his heart ache. He pulled sapnap in as the sung the last line together, voices laced with pain, but somehow they were filled with comfort. Each other's voices and each others arms wrapped in eachother.

"We're better together"