Should've Never Said It Back

chapter 12

au// sad boy hours

tw// voices, not the good ones, suicidal thoughts/actions

Sapnap firmly grabbed karl's arm as he walked down the steps, calling a harsh goodbye to quackity. He didn't care that his words were laced with venom and harshness, Quackity was ruining his and karl's relationship. Karl noticed sapnap's tenseness as they walked, "Darling are you ok?" He gently asked. Sapnap gave him a side look, saying nothing. Karl huffed, "You know, I can't really have a conversation with you, and figure out why you're upset if you don't talk." 

"I think you fucking know what you did, more than I do, karl." The way he said Karl was filled with hatred, it came off unpleasant and unwanted. "Ok, now you're being stupid." Karl pulled his arm out of Sapnap's grasp. 

"I didn't do anything, sapnap. I don't know what you're on, but I didn't do shit." They walked silently the rest of the way home, and karl opened the door, walking inside. "Seems like you don't know either," He mumbled, but sapnap heard. Something in him snapped, and the raven haired boy pushed him against the wall. 

"What the fuck karl. What the fuck is wrong with you? Hm? You're being so shitty my god, acting like you don't know shit. You know what you did, just fucking admit it." Karls eyes widened, Sapnap usually didn't act like this. "Baby I-" 

"Don't call me your damn baby. Goddammit Karl just admit it, please." Karl just opened his mouth, saying nothing. In anger, Sapnap's hand had slithered to his neck, without the boy himself realizing it. 

"Sapnap you're hurting me.." He choked out, trying to push the stronger one off to no avail. "Hh am I? Guess you know how it feels now darling." The word darling was so bitter, no trace of love or compassion found in it. 

"Please, let me go. We can talk about this." Karl pleaded, feeling dizzy. Karl passed out easily, and needed to sit down. Sapnap didn't move, his eyes were angry and staring at him, as if waiting.

"Sapnap let me go." Karl's voice sounded so afraid, so tired, it made something in sapnap's head click, the anger subsided, and fear took over. He let go of Karl's neck, and karl sat down immediately, coughing. Karl's head felt heavy, and Sapnap silently held him. He held the boy so gently, bringing him to the couch. 

"Sapnap.. what was that. you never act like that, you need to tell me what's happening." Sapnap reached a hand over to karl's face, as if to give comfort, and karl flinched, eyes wide and filled with fear. Tears welled in Sapnap's eyes as he saw his fiancé's reaction. 

Karl never fucking flinched. 

But he did. And he did because of something sapnap did. He and Karl had made a promise never to hurt eachother, and it had always been easy. But one thing happened and Sapnap broke that promise. "I- I have to go karl." Sapnap stood abruptly, tears pooling. 

"Sapnap no. Please don't, I'm scared for you." Karl reached for Sapnap's hand but Sapnap smacked it away. 

"Just go.. be with quackity. He cares for you, quackity won't hurt you." Sapnap grabbed his keys, and sat in his car, sobbing. 

"What's fucking wrong with me.." He whispered, putting the keys in ignition. He kept rubbing tears away, pushing his soft raven hair out of his eyes so he could try to see the road. He needed to go somewhere, anywhere. He just couldn't be near Karl. 

look what you did, sapnap. No wonder karl left you for quackity, you're such a horrible Fiancé. choking your own soon to be husband?  And you question if you're a good guy. You're not. 

He tried pushing his intrusive thoughts away, but the silence in the car gave his mind enough space to yell at him. Say the things he didn't want to hear. He turned on the radio, blasting some music he'd never heard before. It was loud and made his ears ring, but the voices came to a whisper. He drove, and drove, and drove until he came to a familiar place. 

a bridge

Sapnap walked out of the car, and shut the door. The cool air from the river and the faint sound of rushing water was instant comfort. He walked over to the edge, and shivered at the cold. His hands firmly grasped on the chilled railing, threw his head back and screamed. He was in the middle of nowhere, no one would hear him. He leaned against the railing, looking at the flowing water under him. It was a long distance, long enough. 

you can end it all right now. Karl won't care, Karl's probably smiling with quackity right now. He's happy without you. Don't you want karl happy?

"Karl." Sapnap whispered, lifting himself up a bit, to the point where his feet were dangling off the ground. 

there you go sapnap. Go on, see the peaceful water? Go in! Jump. 

Sapnap took a breath, his mind whirring, and put a foot back down, "No, this is insane." 

jump off, sapnap. You're worthless, a waste, nothing. You mean nothing to no one. No one loves you, not even karl. 

Biting the inside of his cheek, he put his foot back up hesitantly. He knew the voices were right.

you're gonna make so many people happy sapnap, you won't be a burden anymore. make someone happy for once, and jump. 

His grip on the railing loosened as he leaned a bit forward, but not enough. "Not gonna be a burden." He murmured

right, you won't be a burden. karl already cheated on you, it's not like you have anything to live for. You're just getting rid of yourself, karl already did that by replacing you with quackity.

He heard a car lurch to a stop behind him. He squeezed his eyes tightly. "Hey dude! Get off of there!" A unfamiliar voice called. The voice softened, "hey, are you okay? Why don't we get down from there, and we can talk, okay?" Sapnap's voice was hoarse. He couldn't speak. He felt frozen. It was pitch black, and all he wanted to do was let go. But something was stopping him. 

jump off, sapnap. do it before they take you to an insane asylum for being suicidal.

"Dude, please just get down. You're scaring me. It's ok, whatever's wrong we can do this. Come on down and I'll get you some food, mkay?" He heard footsteps close behind him. 

GODDAMMIT, JUST JUMP

He almost did. He almost let everything go, right then and there. But he couldn't. He couldn't let go. He thought of karl, his sweet, beautiful fiance. The hands of the other guy pulled him back down, he was strong. "Are you okay, dude?" the man asked, worry in his voice. "Yeah.. I'm okay. I'm gonna uh.. go home." The man nodded, watching as sapnap climbed into his car, and drove off, going home. 

He wasn't better. That was for damn sure. Nothing was okay. Sapnap's head throbbed, he wished he had ended it. But he wanted to say goodbye to karl. 

maybe after that.