It's not you, it's me--//DISCONTINUED//

Part 19

It's been about a week since that kiss at my house. I don't know what had gotten into me.... I wish I knew everything I say I don't. I'd be pretty smart, then.
We hung out every day since then, and tomorrow is the last day of school this year. Can't fucking wait either.
I wish I was in all of Niall's classes. It sucks really bad having to part with him before first period because we have no classes together. But I don't know if we are even dating. It'd be awkward to ask him, wouldn't it? I wonder if he feels the same way about not knowing.
But maybe he tells all the boys about how we're dating, and how I'm the greatest kisser, and how great my perfume smells.
But maybe he tells them that he wishes he never answered that text the day Gavin dumped me, and that it was a mistake to ever have met me at the cafe that day. That thought brought tears to my eyes as I sat on my bed texting him.
"Hey you," I texted.
"Hey what??" he replied.
"Get ur ass over here. I'm bored as hell," I texted.
"Awww do I have to?? Lol" he said.
"Yeah cos if u don't ill beat ur ass" I said.
"Well i dont want that to happen. Be there at 3," he said. It's 2 now, so that gives me an hour to figure out what I'm going to say.
I put my phone down after texting back "ok cya then" and laid back on my bed, staring at my ceiling. I wonder if we'll kiss again.
I got a flitter in my stomach that felt like a fangirl flitter type of happiness at the thought of us kissing again, which made me wanna punch myself in the face. We can't kiss again, I told myself. We just can't.
It could ruin our friendship even more than it already has, if it has already at all. I hate being confused, but I'm always confused. I hate how that works.
I stared at the ceiling for what felt like mere minutes when there was a knock on the door.
I wish I'd've put more thought into what to say, because I have absolutely no idea.
I tried to take as long as I could getting to the door, as though it'd change what would happen when he comes inside. I got to the door and allowed him inside and we walked up to my room.
We sat down and went to our usual spots when he comes over, next to each other on my bed with our backs against the wall, him on the side closer to the door.
"So whatcha been up to?" he said.
"Not really anything. Before you got here I think I took a daydream nap."
"Yeah, that happened to me too," he said with a laugh.
There was a short pause, which I broke with,
"Anything new with goat sucker?"
He did one of those laughs where you don't make a sound, but you smile and breathe out as if you were laughing.
"Not really. She was flirting with Liam though. Like nasty flirting."
"Oh really? What'd she say?" I asked.
"Well, he was standing against a wall in the hall by Mr. Jackson's room and she walks up to him and says 'So, I heard about the ten inches of Payne' and winked at him, but then he got freaked out and walked away really fast. I was dying, couldn't stop laughing," he said, and I could tell he was holding back a laugh.
"Damn, that's great," I said, struggling against laughter just as much as he was until we both gave up and laughed.
We kind of just got into a lot of gossip with this and that, who fought who and why, and all that crazy teen girl shit.
It felt like old times, those times before we kissed, ever. But maybe I should go back further and say before Josh came back and I got depressed and stuff. Before that day at the park when Niall discovered my cuts.... That'd be more accurate.
Back in those days we could sit and you could give us any topic and we could just sit there and talk and talk about it endlessly, and eventually that topic would somehow lead to something else, and that trend would continue until we get tired and fall asleep.
Well, we ran out of things to talk about. Hit a dead end in the trend. I decided to go for it and ask.
"Uhm.. Niall, I have a question...." I said.
"Huh?" he said, but more like a statement than a question.
"Are we.... Like.... together....?" I asked. The words sounded really strange coming from my mouth, like they were coming from the mouth of some teenage over-dramatic soap opera actress that was asking her boyfriend that very thing.
"Jen... I don't even fucking know." he said. His words gave me goosebumps all over.
"Well, it's been eating me alive...." I said.
"Me too...." he trailed off, and once more, we caught each other's gaze and leaned in. Fuck, it's gonna happen again! I told you, it can't happen again!
But when our lips were just inches apart, he pulled back slowly, but a little faster than how we leaned in.
He had a look on his face of confusion, of self-debating with himself what he should do. I've never seen him with that look before. Not even in the pictures on the Internet of him. It kind of made me a bit worried.
"Jen... I'm sorry--I can't do this.... It's not you, it's me."
He stood up quickly and disappeared down the stairs and out the front door, leaving me in my room to recount what had just happened to myself over and over again.