It's not you, it's me--//DISCONTINUED//

Part 20

He used.... the words. As he was rushing out the door and he reached out to close it behind him, I saw something. Something on his wrist....

Had I caused that? Had he started cutting because of me?
I wish I had just not fucking bothered him. We'd both probably be better that way.
I really don't know how it could get better after this. We are probably never going to speak again.
If that's the case, my life is just over. Kimmie is already mad at me because I've been spending way more time with Niall than her. I hope she will forgive me. If she doesn't, I have no reason to live. I literally never talk to my mom, because I hate the person she becomes when she's drunk. It's horrible. All she ever does when she's drunk off her ass (which is every single night) is cuss at me telling me I'm worthless and a pity of a daughter, that she regrets having me. And you know what they say, a drunk man doesn't lie.
So I stay in my room and usually call Kimmie or Niall to come over. But what am I supposed to do now? Kimmie and Niall were my only friends, and that means I have no one now. Absolutely no one. Not friends, not a mom, not a dad, not a brother.
And fucking Shelby just adds to it all. I really have nothing.

One week later....

Well, I really haven't done anything. The last day of school was a few days ago, so I have literally just stayed in my room. I haven't ate anything, just drank some water. I haven't left the second floor of my house.

I haven't even texted Niall or Kimmie, and neither of them have texted me. My mom had just left to go to the grocery store to get simple every day things, bread, milk, beer.

Well, about ten minutes after she left there was a ring from the doorbell. I thought it was my mom, maybe she forgot to grab her purse or something.

But when I opened the door, it was Harry the fucking Styles.

"Uh--Harry--Hi," I said, holding the door open to let him in.

"Hey, Jen. I just wanted to talk about something," he said in his deep, raspy voice.

"Uh, okay," I said.

"Well, Niall hasn't come to any of our rehearsals, and.... I was wondering if you knew anything?"

The pit of my stomach dropped. Had he really just said that?

I grabbed Harry by his hand and ran out the door to my truck and he got in the passenger seat.

When I pulled out of the driveway and started driving, Harry decided to ask questions.

"Where are we going?" He asked.

"To Niall's," I said.

"What're you thinking?" he asked. he sounded kind of worried.

"I'm thinking there's something wrong with Niall," I said, and told him what had happened, not going into complete detail.

"Damn. If I'd've known that a few days ago I'd've been there a long time ago," he said.

We had just arrived at his house. We got out and ran up to the door, and I didn't even bother knocking because I knew he wouldn't answer.

I ran up to his room and he was lying on his bed staring blankly up at the ceiling. He seemed not to have noticed we were standing at his bedroom's threshold.

I knocked on his door, and he looked over at me and sat up automatically.

"Uh--What are you--Hi," he said, his face turning red.

"Why haven't you been at any of our rehearsals?" Harry asked.

"Well, I've just not been feeling good...." he answered.

I noticed he was trying to keep his wrists behind him....

I turned and asked Harry if I could talk to Niall alone for a second, and he agreed non-reluctantly.

I walked over to Niall's bed and sat down.

"Niall, why did you run out like that?" I said. I decided not to beat around the bush. That'd just go in circles.

"Jen, it's hard to explain. I just feel like I've ruined your life enough and I didn't want to do it any more...."

When I opened my mouth to talk, he interrupted me and said,
"Jen, don't even deny it. That's all I ever do. I know that Kimmie is mad at you for not spending time with her. I'm not stupid. And I know already about your mom and her alcohol problem, I'm not blind. I know you cut, you already know that. And I know you saw my cuts when I was leaving, I realized my sleeve pulled up when I was closing the door. I know that us being together would end bad, I just don't want that to happen."

That hit me hard. I had never thought of that.

"Niall, you didn't ruin my life. You know what? Kimmie's life is perfect. I could never talk to her about my alcoholic mom, or my jailbird brother. Never. She wouldn't understand. Her mom is a millionaire who owns a business and she gets everything she wants and her mom cares about her. Niall, you are the only person who actually understands me. Do you think I can talk to my mom, or Kimmie, or Josh about all this shit that happens? I can't! Niall, I'm not saying what you did was wrong. I understand why you did it but the reason you did it isn't true. You're the most important person to me."

I looked him dead in the eyes as I said this, and he returned the stare. I could see tears in his eyes.

"Jen.... I'm sorry...." he said.

I crawled up and lay beside him, and he put his arm around me as I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"I love you," I said.

"I love you too," he said.