It's not you, it's me--//DISCONTINUED//

Hilling Park at 1:30

He texted back immediately (as always) and said

"Alright, I'll be there xox"

I put on a Christmas sweater my grandmother had knitted me years ago. She is still alive, but in a nursing home. I haven't seen her in forever.

I went outside and was immediately hit with a burst of heat. It had to have been 80°F out there. I wanted desperately to change out of my sweater. But I had to wear that sweater. If Niall saw the scars....

***

I pulled into the parking lot of Hilling Park, sweat pouring down my face. It was so horrible. My father's old ass truck doesn't have air conditioning. And the windows are jammed so that they're hard to roll down, and even harder to roll back up. They weren't even automattic; they were the ones with the handles you twist around.

I stepped out of my truck and jumped into the bed, peeping around all the cars to look for Niall's car. I didn't see it, so I figured he hadn't come yet. It was only 1:20.

About ten minutes later he pulls up in his sportscar and parked beside me. He jumped out and hopped in the bed of the truck with me, and sat down inside it with me.

"Hey-- Why the hell are you wearing a sweater?" he says, pretty surprised and shocked to see my hair damp with sweat and sweat pouring down my face like tears.

"Well, I.... didn't know how hot it was.... and I just didn't want to get cold."

"Oh. Here let me show you something funny. Up high," he said, holding his hand up for a high five, which I gave him.

"Down low," he said, and I gave him a low five, and he seized me by my arm and pulls up my sleeve.

"Jen-- why are you-- how could you--" he was at a loss for words, looking at my cutting scars on my wrist. I'm sure he probably noticed they were fresh too, and not completely healed; they were very red and looked as if they were about to start bleeding again. He had a look of grim astonishment on his face. He looked like he was in true pain.

"I.... well-- I...." We were both at a loss for words. I really didn't know how to explain myself.

I sunk down to where I was lying down and start bawling. I was bawling just like a baby. Just as I had every night before today for a whole month, just as I had the night when I got home after seeing Josh for the first time in years, just as I had after the car accident that had killed my dad.

I was lying down like that until I felt Niall stand up and lay down beside me maybe 2 minutes later. I turned from lying on my left side to lying on my back, and he was lying on his right side, facing me.

"Jen. Why? Why would you do this to yourself?"

"I-- I really don't know." I was getting really hot, so I took off the sweater and was left with my wife beater tank top. I lifted it up to air out my stomach, when I heard Niall gasp. I had forgotten I had lost so much belly weight, you could see my ribs plain as day. I was thin before, I have always been sort of small built, and a little shorter than the rest.

"You're starving yourself too? Jen, why? What's the matter? What's making you do all this?" I could see tears welling up in his eyes.

"I told you. I d-don't know." I was starting to sob again when I had an urge just to not. It was really weird.

There was dead silence, all you could hear was the birds chirping and the occasional passing car. Not many people went to the park on a hot day around here. They preferred to go swimming or simply just stay in. The silence lasted maybe 5 or 10 minutes.

"I have a secret I've never told anyone.“ Niall said, quietly but enough so that I could here him. His face was pale and slightly stained with tears. He looked really spacey and out of it, like he was living through a memory, forgetting that it was a memory. He was looking straight ahead, as if watching the memory happen right before his eyes. It was strange, he looked very helpless, harmless. Like someone with no meaning in life who just sits. Doesn't eat, drink, go anywhere, just sits and thinks. Maybe not even thinks. It sort of scared me, like he was going to go all exorcist on me. For a second I was actually expecting it.

"I had... a-- uhm. A--" He said, struggling to say the last word. He looked like he was in pain remembering all this stuff.

"A had a sister. A year older than me. She...."

His face contracted into sobs and he shoved his face in his hands.

He had to calm down over the course of maybe 30 seconds before he started up his monologue again.

"She was just like you. Cutting, crying, anorexic. It was horrible. I remember one day.... Let's see, I was in 5th grade. I got called to the headmistriss's office, I was always getting into trouble. I thought maybe I was going because of something I had did the day before. I just couldn't figure out what I had done wrong the day before. The headmistriss didn't even both calling me "Mr. Horan," because I went to see her so much. She just called me Niall. I wasn't exactly sure what was going on, she had just told me that my mum was on her way to get me. I know for sure I saw a little tear go down her cheek. That had made me worried as hell. So my mom had came and got me, and she told me that my sister moved. I asked her, 'Where d did she move to?' and my mom answered with, 'To a better place.' Turns out, a 'better place' meant heaven. She had stayed home from school and took a whole bottle of ibuprofen. She was dead before my mom even knew she had taken the pills."

At that point he just went back to his staring, and I saw a tear go down his face. I broke down and started bawling again, and Niall looked over at me and pulled me over into a big hug. He was warm and soft, and felt really nice, like how you lay on your mother's chest and it feels really snuggley. I liked it. I really did.