It's not you, it's me--//DISCONTINUED//

One month later....

I had one of those dreams. Those dreams, where you feel like your falling, falling, falling, then wake up with a jump. I looked out the window, only to see Josh with his gun. He raised it, and shot. The window shattered, and the glass on the carpet adjusted its self formed a mosaic of my horrible memory of my dad in the car. Then, I woke up, sweaty and out of breath. I couldn't tell if my cheeks were wet from sweat or tears. I picked up my phone off my nightstand, and it said it was 4:00 in the morning. Atleast there isn't any school, it's a Saturday.

I really hate myself right now, I feel too fat, too ugly, too dumb. I know deep down it isn't true but.... My mentality doesn't think so. I tell myself it is just teenage hormones. It has been about a month since I saw Josh in the jail cell, grown up and.... A bit mental. I went and saw him a few times, maybe 3 or 4. I don't know what's wrong with me. I talk to Niall still, but.... It just doesn't feel the same. We are still good friends and all, its just that I have been excluding myself from everyone and everything. I have also been.... self aflictive, if you know what I mean. I wear sweaters to cover it up but.... I can't hide forever. I don't know what's gotten into me. I really don't. Maybe it's a combonation of my alcoholic mother, or my stressfulness of all these exams, or Josh coming back in to my life and making me think about dad. Sweet, joyful, happy-go-lucky dad.

I think Kimmie and Niall realize that something is up, because they have been extra nice to me lately. buying me coffee in the mornings and things like that. I know this just isn't me. I really do. But I don't know. I really don't.

Another thing I'm not sure about is where it came from. How I suddenly started cutting, and crying into my pillow every night, or excluding myself from everyone every day. I have always been a bit squeamish around my wrists, to be honest

I just sat their and stared into space for a while and checked my phone again. Apparently I thought absent-mindedly for a whole 45 minutes. I figured I might as well go to sleep.

.

.

I woke up at about a quarter till noon, and wondered how I slept so long. I checked my phone and had a text from Niall which was just sent about 5 minutes ago.

"Hey, Boo. Wondering if u wanted to hang out today. Got plans, I understand."

I texted back.

"Ok. I guess so, but I just woke up. I'll text u when I'm ready to hang out."

He said

"Alright. See u then."

I was still pretty tired. Then, a horrible explanation of it all came to me.

Maybe I have depression. Another thing.... I have been a bit.... Less hungry, if you know what I'm saying here. I have lost maybe 15 pounds this month. I'm just not hungry. I'm not doing it for looks or attention. I just can't bring myself to eat. It all sounds like depression. The cutting, the nightmares, the anorexia, the crying. I'm just so exhausted. I need sleep. Sleep sounds nice.

But now I'm too awake to sleep. So I just decided to hoist myself out of my bed and go to the bathroom and take a nice shower. As I was getting my clothes on, I texted Niall to meet me at Hilling Park at 1:30.