Finding fireworks || Sirius Black

18

"He made me feel and I did not want to"

Jocelyn's POV

Alice's funeral was beautiful. Lily and I gave ourselves over fully to organizing it. It was our way of saying goodbye and thank you to Alice. We knew her best, and we wanted her farewell to reflect who she was. After the funeral, I canceled the rest of the plans we had for the summer and went home alone. I had made James and Sirius promise they would look after Lily and Remus. Peter who'd come back as soon as he'd heard of the attack, had also promised me he'd do everything he could to help them get over Alice's untimely death. They tried to persuade me to stay with them, they said grieving together made it easier, but I couldn't.

The first couple of days I numbed the pain with insane workout drills. I ran until my legs gave up, I did James' craziest conditioning circuits over and over again until I passed out or threw up. I smashed a bludger so hard I splintered my bat.

It soon became clear that exercising only worked while I was doing it, and my body couldn't keep up with the rhythm. I needed another way to numb the pain, to forget. So, on my birthday, I headed to the Oaks Inn clad in a little black dress and enough eyeliner for an entire emo band.

"Jo?"

"Hey" I smiled at Jax my most seductive smile.

"I thought you were traveling," he said, sitting on the stool next to mine.

"I was. The last leg got canceled" I informed him, emptying my glass and signaling to the bartender I wanted a refill.

"Are you okay?"

"Peachy" I smirked at him and leaned closer. "Have a drink with me?"

"Isn't it your birthday today?"

"You're right, it is" the bartender poured me my drink and I saluted him. Jax was watching me with a mix of fascination and concern.

"Why are you on your own?"

"Waiting for the right company" I gave him my best seductive look.

"You're a bit wild tonight, aren't you?"

"You don't know the half of it" I purred. Fascination was clearly winning the battle over Jax's emotions. He moved closer.

"Want to show me?" he said suggestively.

I spent the rest of the summer in Jax's bed. Well, not all of it, but for the most part. I also spent that time either severely hungover or drunk. Jax had figured out pretty quickly that this was some sort of self-destructive spiral I was going through but he was a horny 20-year-old who had been, according to his friends, unable to stop thinking about me all year, so he was very happy to oblige and help me forget. Even if he had no idea what it was I needed forgetting so desperately.

The hours of the day I wasn't having sex with Jax or getting drunk with Jax and his friends I was researching. Despite my head-splitting hangovers, I had collected an impressive folder of information on murders, disappearances, and tortures by Lord Voldemort and his followers. I had also used my good relationship with my house elves to tap into their information network and heard rumors of a resistance movement called The Order of Phoenix. I didn't know who they were yet, but I pretty much considered myself a member of their team already.

I had also gone through every book my parents had about DADA and dark arts in general, without the 'defense against' part, too. I practiced spell after spell, curse after curse until my arms were hurting and my hangover receding. Those were usually my cues to put on some of my new slutty clothes and make-up and head out to meet Jax.