Accidentally in Love // z.m

Thirty.

It's been a week since I ended things with Zayn. He went back to tour the next day, played along with the sick excuse, lucky for us no one saw him around with me so no one suspected anything. I also returned to work, facing a guilt stricken India and a stressed out Grace. "We have too much to do in very little time!" She panicked rushing into my office on my first day back; leaving a giant list on my desk as well as informing me of the 7 meetings we had on that day. India brought me a basket of muffins and coffee that morning and gave me a hug that lasted about 9 minutes. I told her it was over, it was fine, it was foolish. Of course she couldn't forgive herself for leaving me with an argument right before I was raped but I couldn't blame her for anything. I knew she would be supportive and I needed her most now. The backlash from her announcement regarding her relationship with Niall wasn't nearly as bad as I'd expected. Though there was the massive trend on twitter 'CongratsNiallAndIndia' that lasted about three days. Work did help me recover though, the hustle and bustle of being behind distracted me enough, as well as brought me back to reality. But Zayn didn't leave my mind. Or my iPhone's phone log. At first I didn't hear from him and I didn't cope very well. I kept telling myself to get used to his absence and just to stop thinking about him but I couldn't help but wonder if he was still thinking about me? And on Day 2, these thoughts were answered when he called to check up on me. It was a short conversation, but it made my heart swell and I couldn't comprehend how these emotions of love and fear were working together. He had me waiting for his call On Day 3. I found myself on twitter update accounts, wanting to see what he was doing, where he was going, who he was with. Basically stalking, but isn't that the point of update accounts? I knew that answering his calls weren't good for me and that I was getting no where, but oddly enough a part of me felt like that girl I once was, sitting on her bedroom floor in Melbourne and waiting for her dangerous lover to call her once again, even though he was married and even though she was heart broken. But that girl hadn't been traumatised in a way that would destroy her life and her passion. And so, I think a part of me has latched onto these calls, in order to latch onto who I was before I was raped. It's the only way I can see myself getting better right now, thinking about before and what it was like to love without a violating fear haunting me. It was almost as though Zayn knew this because his calls became more frequent and on Day 6, yesterday, we both became desperate: 

"I don't know how much longer I can do this Sahara." He admitted to me. I could tell he was smoking from the raspy sound of his voice. 

"Do what exactly?" I played dumb but I knew what was coming. 

"Being away from you. Pretend nothings between us. It's driving me insane."

"Don't get cheesy with me." I teased but he's adorable when he's cheesy. And I wasn't ready for this conversation. Living in limbo, pretending we could be just friends and that I would eventually move on, ignoring the flutter he gave my heart each time he spoke my name in that smooth silky voice of his, all of that was easier than admitting that all of this wasn't going to work. I didn't want such bliss to end, because the girl in Melbourne never ended up with her dangerous lover, she ended up raped. 

"I'm serious. I-" He stopped himself.

"You what?"

"I still love you." It's funny that my ears had craved to hear that. It's only been 6 days but the moment he left I began fearing he'd start loving someone else. I didn't know how to respond. "Say something." He pleaded.

"We can't be in love Zayn." Even though I knew I still was in love. 

"But we are, why are you fighting it?" 

"Fighting it? Are you kidding me? I spent months trying to fight for it so don't tell me I'm fighting it! I love you too and you already know that. But whenever we're around each other we're always hurting. We're not good for one another. We were never meant to be."