Accidentally in Love // z.m

Ten

"Sahara! You stink again!?" India snapped as I entered our office after a lunch break. I bit my lip, knowing I couldn't hide this from her any longer. I had just come back from lunch with Zayn, secretly might I add, as after Perrie found my name sprayed against his back yard she became quite iffy about the two of us going out alone. After a quick fulfilling bite to eat at the nearby pretzel world, we had gone for a smoke, hence the stench that distasted India's senses so terribly. "Sorry, but you know how Zayn is!" I've used that line way too many times that by now she wasn't having any of it. I was afraid to admit I was lightly addicted. Not as bad as Zayn, not yet anyway, but I smoked about 3 times a week and on the days I didn't I craved it. Each smoke was amongst his presence, which is why I was able to use the excuse thus far, but clearly it had expired.

"Sahara I'm not an Idiot. That smell wouldn't carry for this long and be this bad if it were from Zayn. Why haven't you told me the truth?" She'd known from the beginning and a part of me knew that she had. I understood why she would be disappointed in me for not being open with her, but it was purely from my own protection because I knew what she would say, I knew it was stupid and I didn't need her to repeat that, I felt small enough. I sighed, sinking into my chair behind my large, paper stacked desk. Her gaze stayed put on me as I struggled to gather the right words. "I haven't told you the truth because I hate facing the truth India. I know your not an idiot and that you knew all along what I was doing and why I was doing it but I was hoping you would just let me pretend that all this was okay, let me get by without coming to terms with the fact that I'm an idiot, a pathetic desperate idiot." I let my face fall between my hands as I let the thoughts I had pushed away for so long face the forefront of my consciousness. I'm risking my health to get closer to someone I will never be able to have. Not only was I wasting my time but now harming myself. And after every lunch date, smoke sesh, catch up I had with him, I would focus on the laughter and the memories that smoking enabled us to have, ignoring the fact that I was essentially killing myself. I felt the hot wet tears trail down my face as I hid behind the palms of my hands. I hadn't sensed India move until I felt her comforting fingers squeeze my shoulder as she held me close. I quickly whipped away the tears, recomposing myself, the remaining tears can spill later on but not in front of India. She turned me to face her, holding my shoulders at arm length. "Sahara look at me. I know what you must be feeling, but please please please don't treat yourself like that, don't tell yourself you are an idiot because you're not, nor are you pathetic or desperate. Every single smoker out there started for a stupid reason because no one does it to harm their health. Yes, including Zayn. It's OK to make mistakes if you learn from them Saz." She was great with those inspirational speeches and she was right. It comforted me to know that her opinion of me didn't change, as it never had from the day we met. I was going to quit, for myself. I shook off the array of emotions I had felt and to please India, nodded and tried to form a smile in the state that I was in. So how was I going to tell Zayn that I'm quitting. Maybe I could convince him to quit too and we could do like a cute patchpals thing? yes? no? okay. Zayn did say he hoped this year he would finally quit. I remember how his brows had furrowed when the disappointment he had for himself after failing to quit for the fourth year had struck his mind once more. How even though he had just voiced his desire to quit, he brought the cigarette to his mouth once more, held between his slender, rough fingers. How he looked up to the sky as he blew out the smoke and stretched his neck, who knew necks could be attractive. He then looked down at me with an oddly placed smile. "I say that every year." He laughed, believing that any hope in quitting was silly. "Maybe I shouldn't try to quit? Maybe I should just let it happen by itself?" 

"You know that's stupid." I said bluntly. 

"Yeah. But you know what Saz? Nothing's changed. This time last year I had the same mentality, I wanted to quit. I told myself it was a new beginning, and this was my year, and I would prove everyone wrong and overcome the addiction and do it. I thought it would finally happen because I was positive and determined and committed. And here I am with a fag in my hand. What does that tell you?" He asked, and though it sounded like a rhetorical question, I answered it.