Accidentally in Love // z.m

Twenty Seven

"If you leave this time I fear that you'll be gone for good and I hold on like leaves in fall to what is left..." I took another drag of my ciggarette as I looked out my window and onto the dark skyline of rainy London. How melancholic right? We can pretend I was also sipping some wine and crying over Big next to a pile of Cosmopolitans. But this isn't Sex and the City and my wardrobe is not nearly as big as Carrie Bradshaw's. Pooka was bored but my blaring music prevented him from falling asleep. But fuck it, if I can't fall asleep then why should he? It was June 8th, a Sunday night, 11:30pm. I did nothing today. That's a lie, I did have a video conference with a few our partners in Australia, for which I just threw on a shirt and applied some light make up. I was still in said white tailored shirt and my underwear because I was too exhausted to even consider getting changed. And I had one thing on my mind. Zayn. He was leaving London tonight, and we haven't even spoken since he dropped me off yesterday morning at work. Yes. I was working on a Saturday, can we not see how depressing my life is already? That was complete bullshit, I am extremely lucky to be living my life and it is the least bit depressing. And yet I feel depressed. And Chris Brown was helping me get through it with his sweet music. I was lying down on my back on the thick window pane of my bedroom looking out and hoping that heavy feeling of anxiety, pressure, responsibility and bullshit would just lift off my shoulders and blend into the skyline some how. Zayn, Zayn, Zayn, why are you leaving me? "It seems that all the Autumn leaves are falling, I feel like you're the only reason for it." I continued to sigh out along with Breezy, the exhaution was all I could feel. He hasn't even texted me at all. No good morning's or good nights. I tried not to dwell on it and thought of anything else, but he was leaving without a good bye and that was extremely difficult to ignore. It was like the past week had been all in my head, did I make up all those conversations? Was I just longing to hear the words 'I love you' slip from his sweet mouth so badly that I'd imagined them? I decided not to answer this question. I've come to learn that when you question the factuality of things you tend to be right, and that was something I didn't want to be right about. "I've been bleeding in your silence, I feel safer in your violence, I hold on like leaves in fall to what is left." These lyrics were scarily on point right now. I closed my eyes as I sang along, waving my cigarette in the air. I'd been smoking quite a lot recently, ever since the Rick business it's been about 3 a day. Then Kendrick Lamar's verse kicked in and I groaned. I hated his verse in this song, it was so harsh compared to Chris Brown's smooth voice. I zoned out of the song and conjured up a Zayn in my mind. And he was sitting next to me, with a ciggarette in his hand to as the other was gently stroking my thigh. I managed to make my heart flutter just at the thought of his touch, and just like that, I was reduced to a teenage fan girl once again. Then I heard Chris Brown's voice come back in and Zayn disappeared, leaving me with a sigh before I felt a set of lips gently kiss against mine. I moved with them, keeping my eyes shut and allowing my heart to race. My God, the Zayn I'd conjured up was back and he'd learnt how to kiss like a boss. He pulled away and I smiled, my eyes still closed. "Hello Prince Charming." I said breathless and he chuckled. Not the Zayn in my mind, but the real Zayn. He was here, my Prince, my Romeo, my bitch. As usual he'd let himself in, and for the first time I thanked myself for leaving my door unlocked.

"Hello Sleeping Beauty." He said softly. I peeked an eye open and saw his honey eyes looking down at me. "Have I saved you from the curse or am I too late?" He said before I shut my eyes again and felt him steal the cigarette from between my fingers. 

"Well if you were too late then I'd still be a sleep wouldn't I?" I smiled, leaning my hand against the cold window to cool me down, it had gotten really hot all of a sudden. 

"I missed you."

"Then why did you disappear?" I asked, just as Sam Smith's Stay With Me came on and Zayn gave me a look, with raised eyebrows and a smirk at the depressing tone of music I've been listening to. "Ignore the song and answer the question."