Wish You Were Here

Chapter 1

Wish You Were Here- By Pink Floyd
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Meredith wakes up with a feeling in the pit of her stomach. She gets these feelings sometimes and they are usually an indicator that something bad is going to happen. She looks at the clock—4:45. She sighs. She needs to make a choice. Finn or Derek. Derek or Finn. She can't keep stringing them along. She slings the covers back and starts to get up out of the bed. The sudden verticality causes her stomach to churn. She is unable to repress the feeling of nausea and runs to the bathroom. Izzie is at the sink brushing her teeth and Meredith kneels in front of the toilet, emptying the contents of her stomach. Izzie raises an eyebrow as she watches Meredith.
Izzie: Too much tequila last night?
Meredith: I didn't drink last night.
Izzie: Hrmm...stomach flu maybe?
Meredith: Maybe.
Meredith finally stands up after the nausea subsides and brushes her teeth. Izzie is watching her out of the corner of her eye.
Izzie (suddenly and loudly): Oh my GOD!
Meredith jumps at the sound of Izzie's voice. She looks at her with wide eyes.
Meredith: What the Hell was that about?!
Izzie: What if you're pregnant??
Meredith hadn't thought about this. No, she can't be pregnant. There is no way.
Meredith: I can't be pregnant. I'm not pregnant. There is no way.
Izzie: There is a way, you just don't want to accept it as a possibility.
Meredith: Because it isn't a possibility.
She stands there for a moment.
Meredith: Oh God. What if I'm pregnant?
Izzie: Do you know who the father is?
Meredith: It would have to be Derek?
Izzie: What do you mean, it would have to be? What about McVet?
Meredith: I haven't had sex with Finn.
Izzie: Seriously?
Meredith: Seriously.
Izzie: Wow, I'm like a proud mama.
Meredith shoots a glare at Izzie before they both start laughing. After a couple of minutes, Meredith becomes silent. She looks at Izzie with a panicked look in her eyes.
Izzie: What?
Meredith: What am I going to do? I mean, if I'm pregnant?
Izzie looks at her. She opens her mouth to speak a couple of times before actually finding her voice.
Izzie: Who do you want to be with?
Meredith: I don't know.
Izzie: Yes you do. You just don't want to admit it.
Meredith: If I knew, why would I be doing this to myself?
Izzie: Well, for one, you want to make him squirm a little because you don't want him to think that he can always come waltzing back into your life. Secondly, you are afraid to get hurt again and he can hurt you like no one else can.
Meredith: How can he hurt me like no one else can?
Izzie: Because you are still madly in love with him.
Meredith opens her mouth to speak but closes it again. She looks at Izzie out of the corner of her eye.
Meredith: You're good.
Izzie rolls forward onto her tippy toes and then back on the ball of her feet, a huge smile on her face.
Izzie: I know. So, you've made a decision?
Meredith: I guess so.
Izzie: What if you're not pregnant?
Meredith: My decision has nothing to do with that. It is just prompting it, that's all.
Izzie: Well, all I can say is it's about damn time.
Meredith: What do you mean?
Izzie: You and McDreamy are made for each other. It is about that you were actually together.
Meredith doesn't respond but just stares at her own reflection.
Izzie: What is it?
Meredith sighs.
Meredith: I can't be pregnant...but if I am...
Izzie: If you are what?
A small smile spreads across her face and she lightly runs her hand over her stomach. Izzie smiles at this act.
Meredith: If I am it will be okay, because Derek...I love Derek and he will be there for me. I know he won't leave me. I have never been able to picture myself having children...until I met him.
Izzie smiles at Meredith.
Izzie: He will never leave you.
They stand there for a moment longer. Izzie looks at her watch.
Izzie: Shit! We have to get going or we are going to be late.
She looks quickly at Meredith.
Izzie: I will take some blood and we will run the test after we get to the hospital.
Meredith nods at Izzie.
Meredith: Izzie?
Izzie: Yeah?
Meredith: Please don't tell anyone.
Izzie: Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.
Meredith: Thank you.
Izzie: No problem. Now let's go.
Meredith and Izzie leave the house and drive to work together. George was on call last night so he was already at the hospital. Meredith and Izzie get there a little early and Izzie draws Meredith's blood.
Izzie: You know the drill. Just go pick them up in about an hour.
Meredith just nods.
Meredith: Thanks, Izzie.
Izzie: No problem. I'm just glad you are letting me in. It is usually you and Cristina, so it's nice.
Meredith smiles at her as they make their way into the locker room where they see the other interns. Cristina looks at Meredith and studies her intently.
Cristina: What the hell is wrong with you?
Meredith looks at her taken aback.
Meredith: Nothing.
Cristina furrows her brow.
Cristina: You are a horrible liar.
She stands up and leans in to Meredith.
Cristina: You better tell me later.
Meredith just nods and proceeds to open her locker. An envelope falls out onto the floor with her name written in the familiar masculine hand. Just as she is about to open the envelope Bailey enters the locker room.
Bailey: Okay, suck ups, there are lives to save. Grey-pit, Yang-burke, O'Malley-Torres, Stevens-you're in the pit with Grey, Karev you're with Montgomery.
The interns stand still, looking at each other.
Bailey: MOVE!
They all scatter. Bailey chuckles to herself because of her ability to scare them all.
Meredith makes her way down to the pit but decides she needs to make a call before getting started. She dials the number that has become familiar to her over the past couple of weeks. It rings twice before he finally answers.
Voice: Hello?
Meredith: Hey, Finn.
Finn: Meredith? What's up?
Meredith: We need to talk.
Finn: Okay. Would you like to get lunch today or something?
Meredith: I don't think that is a great idea.
Finn (disappointed voice): Oh. You're choosing him aren't you?
Meredith: I'm sorry, Finn. I...he's it for me. I love him.
Finn: He will hurt you again. You do know that right?
Meredith is a little shocked by this statement.
Meredith: Probably, but I have to try. He's worth it.
Finn: Well, just so you know, when he hurts you, I won't be there.
Click.
Meredith looks at her cell phone, thinking that she really made the right choice. What a jackass. She walks down to the pit and joins Izzie. Izzie looks at her and notices that something is wrong.
Izzie: What is it?
Meredith: I just broke up with Finn. He was a complete ass.
Izzie just smiles at her.
Izzie: So, what was in the envelope?
Meredith had forgotten about the envelope. She pulls it out of her pocket and opens it. She reads over the letter and before she reaches the end her face is pale and tears are running down her face. Just as she opens her mouth to speak, her pager goes off. Her lab results are in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meredith (in an upset voice): I have to go.
Izzie: Meredith, what is it?
Meredith: My labs are in.
Izzie: Oh, well do you want me to come with you?
Meredith: No thanks. I'm fine.
Meredith stands up and numbly walks to the pick up her labs. Meredith approaches the area where she is going to pick up her labs. She inhales deeply. She doesn't really feel anything at the moment, other than alone. She walks up to the man handing out the results.
Meredith: I need to pick up results for Grey, Meredith.
The man looks through the results in front of him and it seems to take forever.
Man: Ah, here you go.
He hands the piece of paper to Meredith, the piece of paper that will determine her future. She takes the piece of paper in her hand and walks over to the nearby nurses' station. She places the piece of paper on the counter top and places her head in her hands as she reads over the paper. She slowly lifts up and grabs the piece of paper. Her expression is blank and her movements are slow. She begins walking. She doesn't really know where she is going. She just knows that she needs to be somewhere other than here. She walks past Cristina and Cristina notices the looks on her face.
Cristina: Meredith?
Silence.
Cristina begins to walk next to Meredith.
Cristina: Are you okay?
Meredith looks at her.
Meredith: No. I'm not okay.
Meredith continues to walk, leaving Cristina behind. Cristina watches Meredith walk away like a zombie. She has no idea how much her person's world has just turned upside down.
Meredith continues to walk. She doesn't really know where she is going. She passes several people in the hallways, several of them giving her odd looks. She walks into the intern locker room. She could really use some tequila right now but the test results in her hand prevent her from finding comfort there. Finally, everything all of her emotions overcome her and she sinks down onto the floor.
He left. He left her here all alone. She loves him. She loves him so much. Damn it. Why did he have to leave her? And now...now she is pregnant. What is she going to do? She needs him. She may not have been able to breathe with him looking at her, but she sure as hell can't breathe without him. Everyone leaves her. Why does everyone have to leave her? Why does no one love her? He said he loved her, but obviously that didn't stop him from leaving. Why does she have to drive everyone away from her? She is nothing. She is no one. And now...now she is going to be responsible for another human being. She doesn't even think about terminating the pregnancy, she loves him too much for that. She already loves the life that is growing inside of her because it is a part of him, a part of both of them...a product of their love.
Finally, she can't contain her emotions. Her body begins to shake uncontrollably as sobs begin to escape from deep in her chest. She feels her heart slowly breaking with each sob that is emitted from her mouth. She isn't good enough. She is just like her mother told her she was. Why does it have to heart so bad? The pain is too much. It feels as if her heart is pumping her pain through her arteries and to every single part of her body. She already misses him. She already misses him and she just found out thirty minutes ago that he was gone. She can't do this. She needs him. She didn't know that until thirty minutes ago, but now she does and she needs him. She needs him to function. She needs him to breathe. She needs him to believe, to believe in herself and to believe in love.
Oh God, what is she going to do? She can't raise a child, their child, on her own. She doesn't want to raise a child on her own. She never even thought about children until she met him, until she loved him. She was never even happy until she met him. He made her feel human, important. Sobs continue to wrack her body and she doesn't even notice when the door to the locker room opens and two very concerned faces appear in the room.
The sight that meets their eyes breaks their hearts. Meredith is splayed on the floor, her hair scattered over the ground behind her and over her face. She is laying on her stomach and on of her cheeks is placed against the cold, hard floor. One of her arms is spread out behind her body, her hand grasping an envelope and a piece of paper. The other arm is in front of her face and her hand seems to be clawing at the ground as if searching for something desperately. Even through the mess of hair covering her face, they are able to see her tear streaked face and the look of complete loss in her eyes.
Cristina and Izzie slowly walk towards Meredith. Izzie raises her hand to her mouth and Cristina runs her hand through her thick mane of hair.
Izzie: Oh my, Mer...
Cristina glances at her person lying broken on the floor of the locker room. She isn't good at these kinds of things.
Cristina: What's wrong, Meredith?
Meredith doesn't even acknowledge their presence. Cristina notices the papers grasped in Meredith's hand and walks over to that side of her body. She bends down and removes the papers from Meredith's hand. First , she reads over the lab results. Her mouth falls agape and she looks down at Meredith.
Cristina: You're pregnant? You're having a McBaby?
Izzie: Cristina!
Cristina just looks at Izzie and shrugs.
Izzie: I think it was what is in the envelope that really upset her. She read it just before she went to pick up her lab results.
Cristina quickly looks at Izzie.
Cristina: Wait. You knew??
Izzie: Well, she just kind of figured it out this morning..
Cristina: Whatever.
Izzie: Just read what's in the envelope.
During this chat, Meredith doesn't move or make any noise. She just stays on the floor, completely oblivious to what is going on around her. Cristina reads over the letter and her mouth falls agape.
Izzie: What is it??
Cristina (in a quiet voice): He's gone.
A confused look spreads over Izzie's face.
Izzie: Who's gone?
Cristina: McDreamy. He left her this letter telling her bye.
Izzie's mouth now falls agape. Both are startled by the loud sobs that begin pouring forth from Meredith's tiny frame. Izzie leans down to Meredith and looks up at Cristina.
Izzie: Meredith?
Meredith doesn't answer her. She just continues to sob.
Izzie: We need to do something.
Cristina: What can we do? We are at work.
Izzie: She shouldn't be here.
Cristina: Yeah, you try convincing Bailey of that.
Izzie: I'm sure once Bailey sees her she will agree. Look at her. She doesn't even know what is going on around her at the moment.
Cristina: I can see that, but I don't know what we are supposed to do about it. That ass didn't even say where he was going.
Izzie: You know, she broke up with Finn today. She chose him.
Cristina arches her eyebrow.
Cristina: Seriously?
Izzie: Seriously.
Cristina: What a McAss.
Izzie: Seriously!
They both stand there for a moment, watching their broken friend sob uncontrollably on the floor. They really don't know what to say or to do. They just know that they need to get her out of the hospital. The gossip would be bad enough and the last thing she needs right now is for the entire hospital to see her this broken. Meredith Grey doesn't break. She didn't break when he chose his wife, when she almost died, or when the entire hospital found out about her mother. Meredith Grey didn't break, until Derek Shepherd walked away, leaving her completely broken and pregnant with their unborn child.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cristina's voice breaks the still silence that has settled over them all.
Cristina: We need to do something.
Izzie: I'm going to go get Bailey.
Izzie doesn't wait for a response. She walks out of the locker room and Cristina sits down on a bench near Meredith. She puts her head in her hands. Her person is so broken. She wants to help, but doesn't really know how. It's not fair. It's not fair that this keeps happening to Meredith. She looks down at the broken form lying on the floor.
Meredith is still oblivious to her surrounding. A song is playing in her head, accompanying her thoughts.

"Not Fair" by Kate Havnevik

He got away with thousands of dollars
He got away from the state police

He got away with my heart. How am I going to live without my heart? He is my heart. Why did I let him have my heart? Why does is have to hurt this bad?

He got away with emotional murder
He slipped away with the summer breeze

He left. He's gone and I'm still here. If he had to leave, why couldn't he take me with him? He said it was to be the better man, to keep from hurting me. But I am hurting now...I am hurting so much. It hurts to breath. My heart hurts. Oh God, I can't live without him. I don't want to live without him. How could he do this to me?

It's not fair
To call it a day
It's not fair
To just walk away
It's not fair
To bring me down
It's not fair
To leave a mess behind

I can't do this by myself. He is the one who made me believe I could be a good parent, but only with him at my side. I need him. I'm lost without him. It's not fair. It's not fair that he gets to go away and leave me here. I hate him. I hate him so much.

He got away with the ultimate shakedown
He ran away from the scene of the crime

It's so not fair. I don't hate him. I love him. I love him so much in a way that makes me hate him. He's such an ass. He's an ass. Maybe we are better off without him.

He got away from everyone in his way
Gone, and not a trace left behind

That's not true. I need him. We need him. He would make a great father. He always wanted to be a father. I need him here for this. I need him here to breathe, to live. Oh God, what am I going to do? How am I going to function without him? I don't even know where he is. I don't know where my other half is.

It's not fair
To catch me out
It's not fair

To leave me in doubt
No it's not fair
To not explain
It's not fair
To leave a mess behind

I knew better. I knew better than to let myself love him. Why did he do this? I need him. It hurts. Oh God, it hurts. It hurts to breathe.

How'd you pull it off?
how'd you get away with it?
I never stood a chance
Oh you left me to die

I was lost the minute I fell in love. I don't know what to do. Oh God. I can't breathe. It hurts to breathe. I don't want to breathe. My baby. Our baby. Oh God.

It's not fair
To pull me down
It's not fair
To make me run around
No it's not fait
To not explain
It's not fair
To make me ask you why
To leave a mess behind
To make me ask you why

Why? Why did he do this? Oh God. No. He's coming back. He can't be gone. He can't leave me here...alone...to raise our child. I need him. I need him to hold my hand. I need him to help me breathe. Oh God. Oh God. No.
Cristina sits and watches helplessly as her best friend lies on the cold floor with her eyes red and swollen. She doesn't know what to do.
(Scene switches to Izzie)
Izzie runs up to Dr. Bailey. Bailey looks her up and down.
Bailey: What is wrong with you?
Izzie (breathless): It's Meredith.
Bailey: What about her?
Izzie: She...he left...and...
Bailey: Spit it out, Stevens.
Izzie: Derek left.
Bailey: I know. I heard.
Izzie doesn't know if she should tell Bailey or not, but figures she would find out soon enough.
Izzie: And she's pregnant.
Bailey's mouth falls agape.
Izzie: We don't know what to do. She...she's broken. She just found out today and she's broken.
Bailey: Where is she?
Izzie leads Bailey to the intern locker room. Bailey takes one glance at the broken figure sprawled out on the floor.
Bailey: Oh my ever lovin....that fool.
She looks at Izzie and Cristina. She bends down to look Meredith in the face.
Bailey: Meredith?
Nothing. Meredith doesn't even acknowledge her presence.
Bailey: Okay. We need to get her home. Gossip will be bad enough as it is.
She looks back down at Meredith.
Bailey: Meredith? Can you get up?
Meredith still doesn't acknowledge her.
Bailey looks up at Izzie.
Bailey: Go get Karev. I want you three to take the rest of the day off and watch her.
Cristina starts to stand up.
Cristina: But..
Bailey: No buts. She needs you. She needs all of you right now. I will talk to the Chief. Take care of her.
Bailey walks out of the locker room and Alex enters it. He sees the broken woman who was once so strong lying on the floor. He clenches his fists tightly, turning his knuckles white.
Alex: That ass!
Izzie: Alex! Now is not the time. We need to get her home.
Alex nods and bends down and picks up the frail woman from the cold floor. Her head falls into his chest and her arms hang down by her sides. She makes no effort to fight and no effort to hang on. Alex walks out of the locker room and the hospital attracting the stares of many as her friends take her home in an attempt to begin the healing process, which they know may never be complete.