Wish You Were Here

Chapter 6

Derek runs into the nearest on call room, desperate to escape the gazes of others...desperate to be alone with his thoughts, his pains, his regrets..
He slides down the door and onto the floor, his legs too weak to support his overwhelmed body. His body overwhelmed not with physical exertions, but with emotion. His head falls into his hands as his body begins to be wracked with sobs. He loves her. He loves her and he hurt her. He hurt her so much and he hurt himself. He hurt himself because he thought he was doing what was best for her when actually, he was hurting her. Oh God, he hurt the one person he loved more than anything. How could he do that? How could he hurt her like that? He hates himself for hurting her. He hates himself so much. Oh God.
And now he is a father. He is a father and he didn't know it. He is a father and he has missed so much. He missed the first doctor's appointments, the first ultrasound, hearing their heartbeats. Their. There are two of them. He is a father twice. He is the father of twins. He missed their birth and their first weeks of life. Oh God. She did it all alone. He understands why she didn't call. He is an ass. Oh God. He hates himself. He needs to fix this. He has to fix this. But how? He can never make up for the lost time with them.
He roughly wipes away the remnants of tears on his face. He needs to pull himself together. He needs to be strong. He needs to figure this out.
He slowly ambles back onto his feet and he begins to pace the small expanse of the on call room. He runs his hand over his face and through his hair.
What can I do? What can I do? What can I do? I want to fix this. I need to fix this. I have to fix this.
He places his palms on the wall as he leans against the wall. He sighs loudly.
Just as he resumes his pacing the on call room door opens suddenly. He jumps and blinks at the sudden appearance of light.
Cristina: What the hell are you doing?
Derek blinks a few times trying to focus on her angry form. She has her hands on her hips and looks very pissed off.
Derek: What do you mean?
Cristina: I mean, why are you sitting alone in an on call room when you should be fixing your mistake?
Derek sighs and runs his hand through his hair again.
Derek: I am trying to figure out how to fix my dumbass mistake.
Cristina: Well, you better think fast because she won't wait for forever.
Before he can respond, Cristina slams the on call room door shut, leaving him standing there staring blankly at the now closed door. He runs his hand through his hair again before rushing out of the door and out of the hospital to his car. He doesn't have a plan. All that he has is his love for her and his need and desire to make things right and he hopes that that is enough to make her not hate him. He doesn't think he can survive is she hates him. He doesn't want to survive if she hates him. He still can't wrap his head around fatherhood. One step at a time. One small step at a time. Although nothing would make him happier than taking a giant leap with Meredith. Maybe he should just let her set the pace. Yeah. That's a good idea.
He pulls into her driveway. He looks into the rearview mirror and sees his disheveled hair and his red eyes. He looks like shit. He looks like shit but he has to see her. He needs to see her. He takes a deep breath before opening the car door and exiting his vehicle.
(Scene switches to Meredith and Izzie leaving the hospital)
Meredith follows Izzie out of the hospital silently. Izzie helps her put the twins in their carseats and Meredith gets into the passenger seat after handing Izzie the keys. She knows that she is in no condition drive at the moment and there is no way that she is putting her children in danger. She places her forehead against the glass of the window and watches the scenery go by as Izzie drives down the familiar streets. The cool glass against her fevered skin only makes her more aware of her pain. It causes her to feel. She feels the coldness and she feels her current seperation from the outside world. The world that exists outside that window. The world that exists outside of her. The world that exists outside of her and Derek. Derek is her world, but right now that world is so foreign to her. She wants to travel that world. She wants to runs her fingers over his body. Over his muscular back and abdomen. Over his strong shoulders and arms, through his hair. She wants to taste him again. All of him. She wants to feel his moist lips against hers and against her skin. She wants to feel him breathing next to her as they sleep. She wants to feel safe in his strong arms as he holds her. She wants to feel him inside of her as they spend the night making love.
She misses these things. She misses getting lost in his eyes. She misses the calming of his deep voice. She misses the way that his touch causes her skin to erupt in goosebumps and electricity to travel thruogh her body. She misses living. She misses breathing. She misses existing with him because without him, she really doesn't exist. Yes, she has her children and she loves them dearly. But Derek. Derek is her other half. He is her soul mate. He is the love of her life. He is her companion, her best friend. He is the person that she can laugh with, cry with, fight with, make love with, sleep with, dream with, do everything with.
No one says anything. No one needs to say anything. Izzie knows that Meredith is in pain. She knows that there is nothing that she can do to fix her, only Derek can do that. She glances over tentatively at her friend, her roommate, her sister, and she feels bad for her.
It starts to rain outside and Meredith watches as the raindrops make their way slowly down the window. She doesn't even realize that tears are falling down her own face as she watches the tears of nature fall. She loves the rain. She really does. It is so cleansing and refreshing. But she can't help but think that at this moment, nature is a clear reflection of her own emotions. The skies are cloudy and the rain is now pouring down. A storm is rolling in. The storm that is occuring within her own mind and heart is being mimicked in nature. Perhaps nature can sense her complete forlorness, her complete feeling of solitude.
She doesn't even realize it when Izzie pulls into the driveway and stops the car. She doesn't realize it when she turns the car off. She doesn't even hear Izzie the first three times she says her name because she is so wrapped up in her own little world.
Izzie: Meredith!
Meredith jumps at the sound of Izzie's voice invading her thoughts. She turns to her. Izzie looks worried. She sees that Meredith is on the verge of another breakdown.
Izzie: We are home.
Meredith just nods and gets out of the car.
Izzie: I will get the kids.
Meredith nods again. She vaguely hears Izzie getting the twins inside but she doesn't move. She stands in the rain, allowing the drops to cascade through her hair and down her face. Her clothes are soaked in a matter of seconds but she doesn't care. She looks up into the sky as if seeking for the answer to some transcendental question. She doesn't really know the question she is asking nor does she know the answer. She doesn't feel alive. Her children have allowed her to live somewhat because they resemble him so much. But she doesn't feel alive without him. She...he became her breath, her oxygen, her life line. He had...has...still has her heart. He possesses her essence of being and the sad part, the sad part is that she doesn't want it back. She doesn't want it back because if he ever hands it back it will be broken into so many pieces that it will be unable to be put back together. Yes, she loves her children. She loves her children dearly, but her children are not Derek. They may have a part of him in them, but they are not Derek. They are not him and she needs him.
Oh God. I am a horrible person. Why can't they fill the very large void left by him? Shouldn't they be enough? Why can't they be enough? Oh God. I am such a horrible person.
These thoughts are running through her head when she feels a pair of female hands begin to direct her into the house and it takes a couple minutes more before she is broken out of her reverie once again.
Izzie: Meredith!
Meredith snaps her head around to stare at Izzie. Izzie takes in her appearance. She is dripping wet and her eyes are red from crying. Her tears are indistinguishable from the rain drops that also grace her face.
Meredith: What?
Izzie: You should go dry off and change before you catch a cold.
Meredith just nods and walks up the stairs. She returns to her own little world as she slowly dries her body with her thick bath towel. She thinks about all of the showers that she took with Derek. The way they explored each other's bodies and the way they manipulated their bodies in the shower for ultimate pleasure. She thinks about the way he gently massageed her shampoo and conditioner into her hair, or the way he lovingly caressed every inch of her body as he ran the wash cloth over it. She remembers the way his skin felt under the soap and water and the way his hair was even curlier when wet. She remembers the way the water fell down his masculine nose and onto his very tempting lips. She remembers the way their bodies glided together because of the decreased friction offered by the soapy water. She remembers the smile that always graced his entire face and lit up his eyes when he smelled her conditioner.
She sighs as she finishes getting dressed. She hears the doorbell ring and tries to shake off all of these thoughts as she begins to walk down the stairs while attempting to towel dry her hair. She stops as Izzie opens the door and she is met by the pair of blue eyes wihch she was reminiscing about only moments before. She struggles to breathe and to remember where she is. She finds herself swimming in the oceans of his blue eyes as he searches through her green seas. Time stops for both of them. Neither notice Izzie retreat to the kitchen nor do they notice their sudden inability to breathe. All that they know is that for the first time in eight months, for the first time in eight very long and painful months their souls are interacting. Their souls are exchanging words of love, anger, regret, despair, desire, and pain to name only a few. Their souls dance and merge in the physical space that now exists between their bodies. Their souls are one just as their hearts are one. Neither want to interrupt this silence. Both fear the impact that verbalization may have on the moment, but it is necessary. It is necessary for them to be able to breathe again and for them to be able to move again. It is necessary for them to begin the process of healing the wounds that the intense pain of the last eight months have caused them both.
Finally, Meredith finds her voice, but it comes as a cracked whisper.
Meredith: Derek..
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His name rolls off of her tongue like velvet. It sounds so natural to his ears to hear her saying his name. He inhales deeply and takes a step forward.

Derek: Meredith..

His voice is laced with regret, pain, and love. He loves her so much. Her eyes begin to refill with tears as she begins to descend the stairs. Meredith opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. The man she has been dreaming about every night is finally standing in front of her. She wants nothing more than to jump into his arms, but she can't do that. She needs to find out why he is here. She needs for him to be here for her. She doesn't really know what to do.

Meredith (in a broken voice): Living room....talk...

Derek nods as he follows her into the living room. They sit on opposite ends of the couch. He notices all of the baby items that weren't there before. He sees two baby books sitting on the coffee table. He motions towards them with his hand.

Derek: May I?

Meredith nods.

Meredith: Of course.

Derek picks up the first baby book and opens the cover. He sees her first picture with her full name written under it: Madeline Elizabeth Shepherd. He feels the tears begin to build in his eyes. When he speaks his voice is cracked.

Derek: You gave her my name and named her after my mother.

It was more of an observation that didn't require an explanation, but Meredith felt the need to explain herself.

Meredith: I wanted her to have as much of you as possible. It is only her middle name.

Instead of answering, Derek picks up the second book and opens the cover to see the first picture of his son with his name written under it: Derek Michael Shepherd, II. Derek turns to Meredith, his tear-filled eyes meet hers. Just as he opens his mouth to speak, they hear a cry on the baby monitor. Meredith immediately jumps up.

Meredith (trying to be calm): I will be back soon. There are more pictures in the albums on the bookshelf and there are also DVDs on top of the TV. Feel free to look at them.

Before he can answer Meredith is walking upstairs. He stares down at the book for a moment and then he hears her voice over the baby monitor.

Meredith (in a gentle voice): Hey baby girl. What's wrong? Are you hungry? Yes, you are. You are such a little princess.

Derek continues to listen to Meredith's voice for a minute before he gets up and walks to the TV. He looks through the DVDs and put the one labelled "Delivery" into the DVD player. He walks back to the couch and presses play. He can still hear Meredith humming through the baby monitor as the image of Meredith in the hospital bed comes onto the screen. He watches as she refuses the help of her friends and as she cries out in pain. He is unable to control his tears any longer as he hears her cry out for him. He watches as she throws the phone into the wall in her attempt to call him. He isn't aware when the voice fades from the monitor because he is so engrossed in the edited video. He doesn't notice the figure leaning against the entry into the living room, watching him watch her give birth to his children. He only notices her when she walks over and sits next to him on the couch as she names them. The video ends with a shot of the three of them filling the screen.

They look at each other. Both have cheeks streaked with tears and eyes full of regret. Before he can speak, Meredith opens her mouth.

Meredith: Why don't you come say goodnight to them?

His eyes light up and he follows her upstairs. She opens the door and his eyes take in the nursery. He gasps at how much of himself is in the room.

Derek (barely audible): Ferryboats.

Meredith smiles.

Meredith (in a whisper): Yeah. I wanted you to be a part of their lives as much as possible.

Derek nods his head and gulps as he walks slowly towards their matching cribs. He looks into Michael's crib first and the tears begin to fall again. His heart swells with pride as he takes in the sleeping form of his son. He wants to memorize everything about this moment, every detail about his appearance, his countenance, every detail about the room, the sounds, the smells...everything. He wants to store this in his memory and hold onto it for the rest of his life. This is the moment when he is introduced to his son. Not the baby with Izzie, but his son. His flesh and blood, his future, his love. He can't wait to play catch with him in the yard or give him advice about women. He wants to hold him, but he doesn't want to wake him up. Next time. Next time he holds him, but he doesn't know when next time will be. He bends over the crib.

Derek (in a choaked voice): Hey buddy, I know that I haven't been around and I'm sorry, but I promise that I will always be around from now on. Daddy loves you.

Derek then turns to the crib sitting a couple of feet away from his son's. He looks down at the sleeping form of his daughter. His heart swells once again as he begins to memorize everything about this moment as well. He loves her. He loves her so much and he just found out that she existed. He already wants to protect her.

Derek (in a strained voice): Hey princess, you are so beautiful. You have your mother's nose. I promise that I am going to protect. I love you. Daddy loves you baby girl.

He turns to Meredith and sees that she also has tears running down her face. She takes a step forward and then hesitates. She really doesn't know what to do and neither does he. This situation is so foreign to both of them. Everything is new and strange. Both want to hold the other, but neither are willing to be so bold.

Meredith motions towards the bedroom door and Derek nods. She walks out of the nursery and he follows her. As soon as the door is closed she turns to him, tears now running freely down her face.

Meredith (in a whisper): I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Her shoulders begin to shake as she tries to contain her emotions. She quickly brushes her tears away.

Derek (also in a whisper): So am I.

Meredith walks down the stairs and stops in front of the door as does he. She turns to face him.

Meredith: They will be awake again in a couple of hours. You can come back then. I mean, if you want to.

Derek's face falls in disappointment. Of course he wants to, he just wishes he could stay here and they could talk.

Derek: Of course I want to. Shouldn't we talk?

Meredith: Later. We will talk later.

Derek nods and begins to walk out of the door. He stops and turns back, not failing to recognize her attempt to quickly brush away her falling tears.

Derek: I will be back around four then.

Meredith just nods and shuts the door. As soon as the door is shut she collapses on the floor

Izzie (coming from the kitchen): Oh my God, Meredith! Are you okay?!
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"Warning Sign" By Coldplay
A warning sign,
I missed the good part then I realized,
I started looking and the bubble burst.
I started looking for excuses.

Derek is on the first step of the front porch when he hears Izzie's panicked voice.
Izzie: Oh my God, Meredith! Are you okay?!
Without any hesitation Derek turns around and runs back into the house. He doesn't knock, he just opens the door. His thoughts are on her and if she is okay. He prays, and he is not a religious man, he prays that she is okay. He hopes she is okay. He needs for her to be okay. She has to be okay.
He opens the door to discover a crumpled body lying on the floor. She is lying on the floor and her body is shaking with sobs. He looks quickly at Izzie whose mouth is agape before dropping down the floor and pulling Meredith onto his lap, enveloping her in his arms. Her body fits perfectly against his as she buries her face in his chest. He rubs her back. Although this is the first time either have had physical contact with each other in eight months, neither are thinking about this. All that they are thinking about is their pain and the pain they have caused each other, regrets. So many regrets and so much love.

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

Derek begins to rock her back and forth as she now has a fist full of his shirt. She is clinging to him desperately, almost as if she is afraid he will disappear again. His heart is breaking again and her heart is already broken. He soon finds his shoulders shaking with sobs as well.
She looks so broken. He looks so broken. They looks so broken, so desperate, so shattered, so alone, so naked. Their walls, their barriers, everything is broken down as their emotions take over and they bear their souls, their hearts. They lay everything on the line in an attempt to ease the pain of the other in hopes of relieving their own as well, because neither can be pain free as long as the other suffers.
Meredith: Why....why...can't I hate...you? Oh God....why....can't ....I....hate you?
Derek: Shh...I'm....so....sorry...Mer....Oh God....I'm so....sorry....I love you....I love you so damn much...
Meredith tries to get even closer to him. Her body now craving contact with his. She hurts. She hurts so much. She misses him. She misses him so much. When she should hate him, she loves him. She loves him so much that it hurts. She hates herself. She should hate him, but she hates herself instead. She hates herself for depriving him of being there through her pregnancy, of being there for their birth, and of being there for the first four weeks of their lives. Not only has she hurt him, she has hurt their children. Oh God. It hurts. Why does it hurt? She grasps at his clothing because she doesn't want him to disappear. She won't survive if he disappears again. She won't survive if he leaves their children. She won't survive if he leaves her. She needs him. She wants him. She loves him. She hates herself for loving him so damn much.

the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

God he missed her. Just holding her in his arms and breathing her in made him realize that he had been without oxygen for eight months. He missed her so much. He can't believe he hurt her. He hates himself for hurting her. He hates himself so much for hurting her. He is a father. He is a dad. They have kids together. He had wanted her to mother his children, he had just always planned on him being there for all of it. He can't be angry at her for not calling him. It was his fault. He is to blame. He loves her. She is his oxygen. What the hell was he thinking that he could leave her and be okay? That he could leave her and be anything more than just existing...not even breathing...because he couldn't breath without her because she is his oxygen. She has been his oxygen since that first night.

A warning sign,
You came back to haunt me and I realized,
That you were an island and I passed you by,
You were an island to discover.

Meredith: I'm sorry....I'm so...sorry...I...Oh God...I love you...I can't...help...but love you....I love you...it hurts...I...love you...so much...it hurts...
Derek: Oh God, Mer...I love you too....so much...I'm so...so...sorry...Oh God...I'm sorry...I will never....never ever...leave...you or our children...again...I promise...I swear...Never...

Come on in,
I've gotta tell you what state I'm in,
I've gotta tell you in my loudest tones,
That I started looking for a warning sign.

She finally begins to calm down as his hands move up and down her back and as she begins to listen to his breathing and the beat of his heart. His sobs also begin to subside as he notices her beginning to relax. She still doesn't let go of his shirt.
After being in the floor for more than thirty minutes she finally builds up enough courage to look into his eyes. She sees her own emotions reflected in his watery blue pools, only emphasizing the extense of their connection to each other.

When the truth is,
I miss you.
Yeah the truth is,
That I miss you so.

He reaches down and brushes her matted, damp hair out of her face. For the first time in eight months, his touch sends electricity through her body. She leans into the contact, relishing in softess of his hand. He then runs his thumb under her eyes to remove the remnants of her tears. She sighs in relief at this very intimate action. She missed him. Oh God did she miss him.
He loves touching her. Feeling her smooth skin under his, allowing the heat from both of their bodies to blend. He loves protecting her. He loves being with her. He loves needing her. He loves her.

And I'm tired,
I should not have let you go.

Without saying another word Meredith releases her death grip on Derek's shirt only to fling her arms around his neck. Their chests are now touching, their heart beating together, in rhythm, in unison. Their heart become one and each can feel the other's beating against their chest. Meredith places her cheek against Derek's rough one, wanting to be close to him and wanting to relish in his masculine, perfect, Derek touch. Derek touch. It is his touch because only one person can make her feel the way he does.
She inahles deeply, taking in his scent. The scent that she missed so much. The scent that marks him as her Derek. Her love. Her life. The scent that disappeared from his trailer three months ago. The scent that is still able to calm her. The scent that intoxicates her. God she loves the way he smells. She loves him. Only one person can make her world stop by leaving and immediately restart it upon his return. Only one person has her heart. Only one person has her soul. Only one person her her. That person is Derek Shepherd...and she never wants to let him go again.
Derek wraps his arms around Meredith's back, running his hands up and down her spine. He is pleasantly surprised as she throws her arms around his neck, but he relishes the close contact. He closes his eyes as he feels the beating of her heart against his chest, as he hears her ragged breathing next to his ear, as he inhales her scent that has become his oxygen. She is it for him. She has always been it for him. She is his everything and he is nothing without her. He doesn't want to live without her. She made him a father. She made him believe in true love and soul mates. She makes him feel. She makes him alive. She is his life. He is never going to let her go again. When she whispers, it sends chills down his spine as he feels her hot breath against his neck and ear.
Meredith: Please, never leave me again...please...I need you...
Derek: I promise...never again....I need you too...I love you..
Both breathe a sigh of relief at finally being in the embrace of the other and finally declaring their need and love.

So I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms.
And I crawl back into your open arms.
Yes, I crawl back into your open arms..