Wish You Were Here

Chapter 3

Derek runs his hand through his hair for the hundredth time that day. He is sitting behind his desk at New York General Hospital. He doesn't feel whole. He doesn't feel complete. He doesn't feel happy. He feels empty. He feels empty and alone. But the pain he is feeling is better than causing her anymore pain. He didn't want to hurt her anymore, he loves her too much. Today it is five months. Five months since he left her a note in her locker telling her he was walking away. Five months since he left her. Five months since he had left his home, his land, his love, his life. His love was his life. He knows now that he always loved her. He didn't always realize it, but he always loved her.
He leans back in his chair and runs his hand over his tired face. Since he had left Seattle, he had devoted himself completely to his work. He saw his family once a week for dinner, but only to maintain some sort of humanity. They all saw his complete devastation, but no one knew what is was from or how to fix. No one but the youngest of his sisters. He had kept in contact with her more than anyone else once he had moved to Seattle. She knew all about Meredith.
God, he misses her. He misses her infectious giggle. It is a rare occurrence, but it sounds like music to the ears. Leaning back in his chair he can almost hear it now. A slight smile curls the ends of his mouth. The only times he ever smiles are when he thinks of her. Some moment they shared in the hall or the OR. The way her small hands felt when they ran over his body, exploring and feeling every muscle underneath their soft skin. He misses her touch. His body shivers slightly at just the thought of it. Just the memory. He misses running his fingers through her long, soft tendrils. The way those silky waves felt spread across his body as her head lay on his chest after making love, or the way they tickled his chest as she rode him. The scent of her hair. The scent of her hair seemed to enter into his bloodstream and infect his entire being every time he was near her, or even after he entered a room just after she had left. God, she smelled amazing. He misses waking up with his face buried in her hair. He misses breathing her in. He could be having a horrible day or be completely stressed and breathing her in, breathing her in seemed to relax every muscle in his body. She is like a drug like that for him. She has so much power over him. She is his goddess, was his goddess.
He sighs and leans forward, placing his head in his hands. He misses her. He misses her so damn much. He misses the way she would run her fingernails up his mind while they were having sex, sending chills down his spine. He misses the way she would trail kisses along his jawline and chin in the morning to wake him up. He misses the way that she would caress his abdomen and run her finger under the waistband of his boxers in the middle of the night if she was trying to wake him up for sex. He misses her tiny ineffectual fists and her habit of rambling and fidgeting with her watch when she is nervous. He misses the way she bites on her bottom lip if she is trying to resist temptation, usually sexual temptation. He misses getting lost in the green seas of her eyes and the silent conversations they had just with their eyes.
Suddenly, he can't take it anymore and his emotions overwhelm him. His shoulders begin shaking as sobs overtake him. He feels like shit. He feels alone. He feels cold. He feels incomplete. He doesn't want a future without her. He wants her to be her husband, the father of her children, the love of her life. He just can't hurt her anymore. He has already hurt her enough. Enough is enough. Tears are still falling from his eyes when his thoughts are interrupted by his cellphone. He looks at the screen: MARK. Why the hell is Mark calling him again? Didn't he get the point when he didn't answer or return any of his calls over the past four months? Derek's grief and pain turns to anger as he answers the phone.
Derek (in a harsh tone): What?
Mark: Is that the way you always answer the phone?
Derek: Did you call just to critique my phone etiquette?
Mark: No. I need to talk to you.
Derek: Well, I have nothing to say to you.
Mark: Just hear me out, man.
Derek: I don't think so. Stop calling me. I would hate to have to change my number.
Mark: Fine. But at least I can say I tried.
Derek: I see. Motivated by purely selfish reasons. Nice to know the egotistical Mark hasn't changed a bit.
Mark: Whatever, man. I was trying to do both you and Meredith a favor. Your choice.
Derek's body tenses at hearing her name. He hasn't heard her name in five months. The pain is too much. He hangs up the phone and begins sobbing again. It's better this way. She is better off without him. His marriage with Addison failed miserably, and he couldn't let that happen again. He loved Meredith in a way he never knew possible and for that reason he walked away. He walked away because he was so scared of hurting her. He didn't tell her this. He told her he was offered a job that he couldn't refuse. He thought it would be too cruel to confess his undying love to her before moving across the country. He did say he loved her in the letter. He didn't tell her where the job was. He was just doing the best thing, saving her from any future pain that he might have caused.
Why the hell was Mark calling him? He mentioned Meredith, but Derek really wasn't paying attention. Whatever. He can't go back. Not now. If he goes back now she will only be hurt again. God, he misses her. The pain never stops. It just becomes bearable. Bearable enough to make it through the day. Surgeries help him as well. Saving lives help, if only he could save his own.
BEEP BEEP BEEP
His pager interrupts his thoughts and he stands up to go answer it. Another day at New York General, another day pretending to be okay when in reality, he was dying just a little more every day.
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Somehow Meredith managed to make it through the first half of her day and is now sitting at lunch with her friends. She is off in her own little world. She doesn't know how she is going to take care of two babies by herself. She misses him. She misses him so much. She is snapped out of her reverie by someone shouting her name.
Izzie: MEREDITH!
She jerks her head around.
Meredith: Huh? What?
Izzie: Are you okay? You looked like you were in your own little world.
Meredith: I'm fine.
Izzie: Okay. So, how was your doctor's appointment today?
Meredith sighs. She might as well tell them. She rubs her stomach. She is happy about being a parent. She is just scared. She is just alone. She wants him.
Meredith: Well, I'm having a girl...
Before Meredith can finish her sentence Izzie jumps up and starts clapping.
Izzie: Yayaya!
Cristina: Calm down, Barbie.
Izzie sits back down and looks at Meredith.
Meredith: And a boy.
Izzie's mouth drops open and Cristina spits out the water that she is drinking.
Izzie: Twins??
Meredith just nods and lets her head fall forward into her hands.
Meredith: I....I....
Cristina sees the distress in her person and decides to do something completely out of character. She cringes just thinking about it.
Cristina: I say that we move Barbie here this weekend to the spare room down the hall and then we can go shopping to set up the nursery in the room next to yours.
The mouths of everyone at the table fall agape as they all look at Cristina in shock. Meredith lifts her head from her hands and tilts her head to the side.
Meredith: Seriously?
Cristina: Seriously. You better accept the offer before I change my mind.
Meredith smiles warmly at her person.
Meredith: That sounds great.
Izzie: I'm so excited!
Meredith: Thank you guys. I really wouldn't be able to get through this without you.
Cristina: No need to get all sentimental. You are our friend. This is what friends do.
Meredith just nods, knowing better than to push the issue.
Izzie: When are we going to do this?
Meredith shrugs.
Meredith: I can probably get the whole weekend off.
Izzie: Yeah, I'm off on Saturday and Sunday.
Cristina: Me too.
Cristina looks at Alex and George.
Alex: Look, I'm her friend but there is no way that I am going shopping for baby crap.
Cristina: We don't want you to go shopping. We want you to help move stuff and help set up the nursery.
Alex: Oh. Well, I have to work all weekend, but I can come over after I get off and help move.
George: Yeah, me too.
Just then Meredith's pager begins to go off. She looks down at it.
Meredith: Gotta go.
Everyone: See ya.
Meredith just waves as she leaves the cafeteria.
Cristina begins to stand up and go prep a patient for surgery, but Izzie's voice stops her.
Izzie: She's not okay.
Cristina: I know. But she will be.
Cristina walks away from intern table and continues with her work.
(scene switches to Meredith)
Meredith walks quickly down the hall and up to the Chief's office. He had paged her. She sees Patricia sitting there and she motions for her to enter.
Meredith knocks lightly on the Chief's door.
Chief: Come in!
Meredith opens the door and walks in to the Chief's office. He motions for her to sit and she does so.
Chief: So, how was your doctor's appointment today.
Meredith sighs. She has to tell him. He will find out eventually.
Meredith: It was fine.
Chief: So, did you find out the sex.
Meredith: Yes. A boy and a girl.
Chief: A boy and a girl? You're having twins?
Meredith: Yes, sir.
The Chief's eyes are wide with shock. He runs his hand over his beard.
Chief: You know, I could call..
Meredith interrupts him.
Meredith: No! I don't...no.
Chief: Okay then...but I want you taking it easy. I'm going to cut you back on your hours...
Meredith: But..
Chief: No...no buts...no more than 60 hours per week. If you are tired or need anything talk to either me or Bailey. You have to take care of yourself, Meredith.
Meredith: I know, sir.
Chief: Okay. That's all.
Meredith stands and prepares to leave his office.
Chief: Remember Meredith, if you need anything, anything at all..
Meredith: I know. Thank you.
Meredith leaves the Chief's office and walks to the nurses' station on the surgical floor. She is working on a patient's chart, trying to push her pain and misery into her subconscious, when a voice calls out her name.
Voice: How are you feeling, Dr. Grey?
Meredith turns around at the sound of the familiar voice and smiles up at the tall figure.
Meredith: I am fine, Dr. Sloan.
Mark: Have you called him yet?
Meredith tenses at this and shuts the chart abruptly.
Meredith: I have to go.
Mark: Addison told me, Meredith.
Meredith raises her eyebrow.
Meredith: It doesn't change anything.
Mark: He deserves to know.
Meredith feels the tears begin to form in her eyes. She knows. She knows that he deserves to know, but she is too damn hurt to pay him that courtesy right now.
Meredith (in a whisper): I know...but...I can't...not yet..
Mark: You have been saying that for four months now..
Meredith (louder, tears now streaming down her face): I know that!! But it still hurts!! It still hurts like hell Mark!! I can't! I just can't!!
Mark reaches out to embrace her but Meredith turns quickly on her heel and runs away. She runs. She runs until she reaches the intern locker room. Her shift isn't over yet, but she doesn't care. Not right now. She gets her bag out of her locker and doesn't even bother to change out of her scrubs. She runs out of the lockers room, out of the hospital, away from her friends, to her vehicle. She gets in her vehicle and begins to drive.
It begins to rain outside as Meredith's tears continues to cascade down her flushed cheeks. She doesn't know where she is going. She just needs to drive. She continues to drive until she finds herself turning down a familiar dirt road that leads to a familiar trailer. The trailer where they consecrated their official relationship. The trailer where she felt at home in his arms. The trailer where for the first time in her entire life she find herself thinking about having a family with the love of her life.
She had found herself at this trailer several times before. She came here a week after he had left. She came here again after she went to her doctor's appointment for her three month checkup. The last time she came here was two weeks ago. She just needed to smell him. To be surrounded by his scent. Cristina knew that she came here sometimes, but no one else knew. She didn't want anyone else to know.
She parks in front of the trailer, in the same spot where he used to park, and she numbly gets out of her vehicle. She stands there for a moment and lets the rain fall on her numb body, mixing with her tears. She wants to wake up from the nightmare that has become her life. She misses him. She needs him. She loves the lives that are growing inside of her, but she doesn't believe that she can do this on her own.
She slowly makes her way to the trailer and unlocks the door with the key he had given her. She steps into the place that he once called home and immediately begins to sob. She slowly makes her way back to the bedroom, dragging her hand along the wall in an attempt to get as close to him as possible. She collapses on the bed and climbs up to the pillows. She inhales deeply, hoping to breathe in any remainder of the scent of him that remains. Upon exhaling, the sobs become more intense. Her body shakes and the pain, the pain is unbearable. She rakes her fingernails roughly across her skin as she searches her soul for reasons.
Meredith (sobbing): Why...why......why me.....oh God....Derek.....I.....I...miss you.....I need...you....why....why...why....
Meredith buries her face deeper in the pillow and digs her nails deeper into her skin, drawing blood this time. She doesn't care. Her emotional pain is too deep and too intense for her to even notice the physical pain. She wishes that she felt physical pain. Physical pain can be diagnosed and treated. No one can treat the emotional pain that she is suffering. No one but him. Her cellphone and her pager go off numerous times, but she doesn't hear them.
His scent...the scent that she is trying so hard to find...his scent is gone. Time has finally carried it away and Meredith finds herself breaking all over again. The pillow underneath her head is now soaked with her tears and the pillow that she is hugging is now covered in the blood from the numerous gashes she has made and continues to make in her skin. She doesn't know how long she has been lying there. She doesn't notice the headlights that appear through the window or the sound of the car pulling into the drive. She continues to sob. She continues to mourn for her lost love. She continues to claw at her skin, seeing it as a barrier between their souls. She continues to feel the constant breaking of her heart as the emotional pain that was once bearable has become too much. She doesn't look up when the door to the trailer is thrown open and she doesn't acknowledge the voice that is shouting at her. She doesn't care. She doesn't care about anything right now. She doesn't care because she can't. She can't care about anything because the thing...the person...that she cares about the most is gone. He is gone and she is completely helpless and in too much pain. In this moment, in this moment before she acknowledges the person in the trailer who is desperately trying to get her attention, she wishes that she could die. Because then, then she wouldn't be in so much damn pain.
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Voice: Meredith!
The voice vaguely makes its way to Meredith's ears. She looks up at the small figure standing at the end of the bed. It is then that the figrue notices the blood on the pillow. She quickly climbs onto the bed.
Voice: Oh my God, Meredith, are you okay?
For the first time in hours, Meredith finds her voice. Her throat is dry and her voice comes out cracked. It hurts her to even speak.
Meredith (in a dull tone): I'm fine.
Voice: Bullshit.
Meredith: Cristina, I'm fine.
Cristina: Bullshit. Get up.
Meredith doesn't reply. She just continues to stare straight ahead. Cristina checks the self-inflicted wounds on Meredith's arms and sees that they are superficial. Meredith begins to sob again, but her tears are all gone. She starts to have trouble breathing.
Cristina: It's okay Meredith. Just breathe.
Meredith: I....can't....I....can't breath...he's...he's gone....he's really gone...
Cristina: He's been gone for four months, Meredith.
Meredith: But...his scent...it's gone...and...he's gone...and I...I can't...I can't...do this...I need...I need him....Oh God...I..
Meredith's breathing becomes more strained. Cristina gets up off of the bed.
Cristina: I will be right back.
Meredith doesn't acknowledge Cristina. Cristina walks outside and motions for the person sitting in the car to come in. She walks back in and stands at the foot of the bed. Burke walks in and stands behind her. He sees Meredith curled up with one of his pillows on the bed. He sees the blood on the pillow and he hears her sobs and labored breathing.
Burke: Is she okay?
Cristina: No. No she's not. We need to take her to the hospital. She is having trouble breathing.
Burke: What about all the blood?
Cristina: They are superficial wounds. It looks like she scratched herself.
Burke moves to the bed and he lifts Meredith up off of the bed. She whimpers as she places her arms around his neck.
Burke: It's okay, Meredith.
Meredith: No. It's not. He...he's gone...he left me...I'm...I'm all alone..
Cristina: No you're not. Burke take her to her car and put her in the passenger seat. I will drive her to the hospital.
Burke: I will follow you.
Cristina: You don't have to.
Burke: But I want to.
Cristina: Whatever.
Burke: Should we clean up?
Cristina: No. Leave it.
Burke doesn't argue. Cristina grabs Meredith's purse and locks the door to the trailer. Burke places Meredith in the passenger seat of her car and he follows Cristina to the hospital. He carries Meredith in and is immediately met by Bailey. Bailey looks at Cristina.
Bailey: So, you found her?
Cristina: Yeah.
Bailey: How is she?
Cristina looks around and then down at the floor. This is a side of Cristina that no one has seen before. Burke looks at her amazed. She is hurting. She is showing her hurt and pain and something else. She is hurting for her person, not for herself.
Cristina: I don't know.
Bailey just nods and follows Burke into an exam room. Burke lays Meredith down on the bed. He immediately grabs an oxygen mask and places it over her face.
Bailey: She's still in her scrubs.
Bailey then notices that her left arm is caked in blood.
Bailey: What happened?
Cristina: I'm not sure. I think she scratched herself.
Bailey: Seriously?
Cristina just shrugs and sinks down in a nearby chair. She doesn't know the answers. Her best friend is falling apart and she doesn't have the answers. She feels the tears begin to well up in her eyes and fights to keep them from falling.
Bailey begins to slowly wash Meredith's arm. She sees that all of the wounds are superficial. She sees her broken intern in front of her. She doesn't know how she let it get this bad. The Chief had told Bailey that Meredith is having twins. That might have something to do with this. She looks at Meredith. Her eyes are glossed over and she has a far away look. Her breathing is finally starting to regulate as she inhales the artificial oxygen. What she doesn't know is that without Derek, all oxygen is artificial to Meredith. She puts some medicine on Meredith's arm and she wraps it in gauze to prevent her from hurting it any further.
Bailey slowly stands up and walks out of the room. She meets the Chief outside of her room.
Chief: How is she?
Bailey shakes her head.
Bailey: Physically, she's fine. Emotionally, she's completely shattered. I thought she would be better by now. I think today was a blow for her.
Chief: Yeah. She will be...fine. I hope. Tell her to take a week off. More if she needs it.
Bailey: Yes, Chief.
Chief: Also, make sure one of the others is with her at all times. I don't want her to be alone right now.
Bailey: Yes,sir.
The Chief walks away and Bailey goes back into the room to relay the Chief's orders.
(Meanwhile, from Meredith's point of view)
He's gone. He's gone. He's gone. Oh God, he's gone. I can't smell him anymore. I need to smell him. I need to feel him. Oh God, I need him. Burke smells nice, but he's not Derek. He does not smell like Derek. I need Derek. I love Derek. Why can't I hate him? Please, let me hate him. This would be so much easier if I hated him. But I love him so much. I can't hate him. Oh God. I need him. I miss him. Cristina and Burke have each other. They are happy together. They love each other. I need him. Oh God. We are having a song and a daughter. We, as in Derek and I. Together. But not together, because he's not here. And I am. Alone.
Why did he have to leave me here alone? It hurts to breathe. It hurts to breathe without him. I don't want to breathe without him. I don't want to live without him. I have to. I have to live without him. I have to live for our children. I have to give our children the best possible lives. I should probably call Derek and tell him that he is going to be a father, but I can't. What is he doesn't come back? What if he doesn come back but he still doesn't want me? Oh God. I am going to be a spinster in old age with a bunch of dogs. Not cats. I hate cats.
Why did Bailey wrap my arm in gauze? They are just scratches. She thinks I am going to hurt myself again. I can't keep doing this to myself again. I am even hurting Cristina. I don't know if I have ever seen her look defeated. It looks like I am infecting all of the happy people with my sadness. Maybe it is a good thing that Derek left me. I am like a disease. I would hate to infect him. I will just have to pretend to be happy. I will just have to pretend to be fine. Because I will never really be those things. Not while Derek is gone. I need him so much. God, I miss him. Stop it, Meredith. You have to pretend. You have to pretend that things are okay.
Here comes Bailey. I will just act like things are okay.
Bailey: So, you have the next week off. Take it easy. If you need anything just call.
Meredith: Thank you Dr. Bailey.
Everyone looks at her in shock. This is the first time that she has spoken in about the last hour.
Bailey; You're welcome. If you hurt yourself again, I will have you admitted to psych. This is just a warning. I will be watching you, Grey, and I will have others watch you as well. You have two little ones to worry about. So, if you have to, think about them. Stop worrying about your problems and focus on begin there for them.
Meredith: You're right, Dr. Bailey.
Bailey: Of course I'm right. I'm always right.
Bailey leaves Meredith alone with Cristina and Burke.
Meredith: So, I was thinking that tomorrow we could go shopping for things for the nursery. I really want to get started on it.
Cristina's mouth drops in surprise.
Cristina: Sure. Sounds great. Doesn't it Burke?
She elbows Burke in the ribs.
Burke: Ow! Yeah, sounds great. Just tell me what you need me to do.
Meredith: Well, maybe we can get the guys to move Izzie tomorrow while we are shopping. Then, we will probably need help putting the crib together and also with the heavy stuff.
Burke: Okay. I will clear my schedule for tomorrow. I'm sure it will be okay with the Chief.
Meredith: Thank you guys.
Cristina: Yeah, no problem.
Meredith: I'm ready to go home now.
Cristina: Okay, I will drive you.
Meredith: I think I can drive myself.
Cristina (in a stern voice): I will drive you and Burke will follow.
Meredith (with a sigh): Okay. Let's go then.
Meredith follows Cristina and Burke out of the hospital. She places her hands on her stomach and starts to think about her children. If she is going to get through these next months without Derek, she needs to focus on them. They are a part of him. So, the love she is unable to give to him, she will give to them. She is going to turn all of her grief into love towards her babies. Her babies. Her daughter and her son. She is going to focus all of her energy on being a great mother. She loves Derek Shepherd. She loves Derek Shepherd with all of her heart. She is going to be the mother of his children and she is going to take great care of those children. She is going to love those children with everything she has because that is how she loves Derek. This is her new way to make the pain bearable, because if the pain isn't bearable, life isn't bearable and the two lives who rely upon her need for life to be bearable. Bearable. She would settle for bearable because that is the best that she can do.