Wish You Were Here

Chapter 7

They sit on the floor for more than thirty minutes, neither wanting to ruin the moment both afraid of letting the other go. Meredith finally moves her cheek away from Derek's and looks into his eyes.
Meredith: Derek?
Derek: Yeah?
Derek reaches up and brushes her hair out of her face, an indication of the intimacy that still exists between them.
Meredith: I don't want to let you go.
He leans his forhead against hers and inhales deeply, breathing her in.
Derek: I don't want to let you go either.
He smiles weakly at her.
Derek: But do you think we can get up off of the floor? My ass is asleep.
Meredith giggles. It is the first time Derek has heard that sounds in eight months and he basks in it. He sighs. Meredith tilts her head to the side and looks into his eyes.
Meredith: What is it?
Derek: I have missed that sound.
Meredith(sighing): Me too.
Meredith begins to play with the curls that are gathered at the back of Derek's neck. He smiles warmly at her at the feeling. She moves one of her hands away from the back of his neck and grips his free hand. Derek looks at her inquisitively as she gets to her feet, not releasing her grip on his hand. Meredith helps him to his feet and smiles at him.
Meredith: I told you, I don't want to let you go.
He smiles at her and squeezes her hand before pulling her into a loving embrace. He whispers into her ear.
Derek: I love you so much. I will do everything I can to make the last eight months up to you and the twins.
He releases her from the embrace and she grabs his hand again, leading him into the living room. He follows her silently. She grabs the baby monitor off of the coffee table and leads him to the stair case. He pauses at the foot of the stairs and she looks down at him. She smiles at him.
Meredith: I just want you to hold me while I sleep. I need you to hold me while I sleep. Please?
Derek smiles up at her.
Derek: Of course.
Derek follows her upstairs and into her bedroom. She lies down on the bed and he lies behind her in a spooning position, his face in her hair. She giggles as he inhales deeply.
Derek: I've missed this. I've missed this so much.
Meredith turns in his arms to face him.
Meredith: Me too.
She buries her face in his chest, taking in his scent.
Tears begin to form in her eyes as she remembers that night in the trailer. The night that she wanted to die. The night that his scent disappeared. He feels her tears begin to wet his shirt and he pulls her back to look into her eyes. She sees the concern in his amazing blue eyes.
Derek: What is it?
Meredith: I...I...went to the trailer after you left a few times...
Derek: I know...
Meredith: The last time I went...Your scent was gone...your scent was gone and I had never felt more alone...
Derek pulls her close into his chest as he rubs her back, wanting to show her that she is no longer alone and that he doesn't ever plan on leaving her alone again. Her voice breaks the silence once again.
Meredith: I'm sorry about your pillow.
Derek chuckles as he runs his fingers through her hair. He pulls her back to kiss her on the forehead and then gazes deeply into her eyes.
Derek: You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing at all.
Meredith inhales deeply.
Meredith: You don't hate me?
A look of confusion crosses his face.
Derek: Why would I hate you?
Meredith: For not telling you about the twins...I mean...you missed the birth...you...
Derek interrupts her.
Derek: Shhh...I could never hate you, Meredith. I wish that I could have been there....but it is my own fault that I wasn't...I don't hate you...don't you see? I could never hate you. You are the love of my life and I plan on spending the rest of ours making my mistake up to you. That is, if you will let me...will you let me? Will you give me a second chance?
Meredith looks away for a moment. These are the words she has been wanting to hear for...well...for forever. She needs him. She loves him. She looks back into his eyes and sees the anxiety that is now present. She inhales deeply. She lifts her hand to his face and traces his jawline with her finger.
Meredith: I have been waiting for you to say those words for so long. I...wow...I...we have two amazing children together, Derek...
Derek smiles proudly.
Derek: I know...and that only makes me love you more...which I didn't think was possible...
Meredith: I..I...just....I need to ask you something...
Derek starts to feel knots in his stomach.
Derek: Anything.
Meredith: I...I know you said it in your letter...but I need to know....I need to know why you left me...
Derek sighs as he smooths Meredith's hair out of her face.
Derek: I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I thought that....I thought that he was the better man....I....I...was a stupid ass...I...I just thought that you could be happy with him...and I didn't want to hold that from you....You deserve to be happy....and I thought that he could make you happy...I'm sorry...I'm so sorry...
Meredith believes him. She sees it in his eyes that he is telling the truth.
Meredith: Why did you come back? I mean...I'm glad you're back...I just...why?
Derek sighs.
Derek: I...it became too hard to be away from you....I couldn't do it anymore....I felt so miserable without you...I couldn't breathe without you...I know it was selfish...but I couldn't stay away any longer....
Meredith interrupts him.
Meredith: I'm glad you came back, Derek.
Derek smiles at her.
Derek: Me too. I still haven't signed my contract...I wanted to wait to make sure it was okay with you...it's ready...but I still have to sign it..We should go together...I want you to see how serious I am..
Meredith nods and smiles at him.
Meredith: Derek?
Derek: Hmm?
Meredith: I could only ever be happy with you. You are it for me as well. I love you...but we have to take it slow...I need to take it slow...
Derek: Of course. Anything for you. I love you.
Derek holds Meredith as they both drift off into the most peaceful sleep either has had since the last time they slept together. For the first time in what seems like forever, both feel like they have found their home and that home is in the arms of each other.
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Derek wakes up as Meredith is trying to get out of bed without waking him.
Derek(in a sleepy voice): Hey, where are you going?
Meredith jumps at the sound of his voice and turns to face him. He is smiling at her with his head propper up on his elbow.
Meredith: Ummm...I am going downstairs to get something to drink....do you need anything?
Instead of responding, Derek swings his legs over the side of the bed and stands up. Meredith arches her eyebrow in question.
Derek: How about I go downstairs with you and start making dinner?
Meredith: You are going to make me dinner?
Derek smiles his McDreamy smile as he tilts his head to the side.
Derek: I have quite a bit to make up for.
Meredith: Okay.
They both walk downstairs to find Izzie in the kitchen, baking. She looks between the two of the and looks at Meredith questioningly.
Meredith: Hey Izz, what is the occasion for all the baking?
Izzie shrugs.
Izzie: I was bored.
Meredith: I don't need you to babysit me. I am fine. You can go back to the hospital if you want or need to.
Izzie: Are you sure?
Meredith nods.
Meredith: I'm sure. Derek is here. If I need anything I'm sure he will be more than happy to oblige.
Derek nods vigorously and Izzie can't help but to laugh.
Izzie: Okay...well if you need anythign don't hesitate to call or page me.
Meredith smiles warmly at her friend. She has been so much help over the past months. She doesn't think she could have done it without her.
Meredith: Thanks, Izz.
Izzie: No problem. I'm on call tonight, but George will be here in a couple of hours.
Meredith nods.
Meredith: Bye Izz.
Izzie walks to the door and Derek follows her. Meredith watches him wondering what the hell he is doing. Izzie turns to get her keys and is surprised that he is standing there and she jumps slightly.
Izzie: You scared the crap out of me, Derek.
Derek chuckles.
Derek: Sorry...I just...I wanted to thank you...for being there for her...I...You have no idea how much it means to me to know that she wasn't alone...I really hate myself for not being here...but I'm glad that she hasn't had to do anything alone...
By the time Derek finishes talking he has tears in his eyes. Izzie places a comforting hand on his shoulder and looks into his eyes.
Izzie: We were all here for her and the twins and we will always be here for her....but she still felt alone...because she wanted...needed...you. I get it that you didn't know, but you should know that there wasn't a moment when she didn't ache for you...when she didn't need you...when she didn't love you. She tried to hate you, but she couldn't. I'm not telling you this to make you feel any worse, because I know you already feel like shit. I'm telling you this so you never put her through that kind of pain again.
Derek runs his hand through his hair.
Derek: I hate myself for hurting her...I really do and if I could promise to never hurt her again...I would...but I don't know that. I do know that I will never leave her again. I can't ever leave her again.
Izzie smiles warmly at him.
Izzie: Derek, I'm sure she would rather have you here hurting her than be alone, because it doesn't matter how many people are always around her...you are the only one who makes her feel whole, who makes her feel complete.
Derek nods.
Derek: She doesn the same for me. She really doesn.
Izzie: I know. I know you love her and she loves you and your relationship has always been complicated and now you come back and find out you are a father...but you need to make sure that you let her know that you love HER and that you want to be with her because you love her, not because of an obligation.
Derek nods.
Derek: Thanks, Izzie.
Izzie: No problem.
Izzie turns to leave but turns back around with her hand on the doorknob.
Izzie: Derek?
Derek: Yeah?
Izzie: If you hurt her or the twins again like you did when you left, I will not hesitate to go trailer park on your ass.
Derek: Trust me, if I ever hurt her like that again I want you to go trailer park on my ass.
Izzie: Good. I'm glad we have an understanding.
Izzie smiles warmly at him before leaving.
Derek turns around and makes his way back to the kitchen, ready to start making up for the pain he caused Meredith. He knows that dinner won't do it, but he wants to show her how much he loves her. He wants to show her how much he loves her in every way he can. He needs her to know that he loves her. He needs for her to know that she is not alone and that she will never be alone again.
Derek pushes the door open to the kitchen and Meredith looks up from her reading and smiles at him. He returns the smile and walks over to stand in front of her.
Derek: Whatcha reading?
Meredith: Just a medical journal.
Derek arches his eyebrow.
Derek: Missing the hospital already?
Meredith: Already? I've been gone for two months. I was on bed rest for a month before the twins were even born.
A hurt look crosses Derek's face and she notices. She reaches up and slightly caresses his cheek.
Meredith: Look at me, Der.
Derek looks into her eyes and he sees understanding and sympathy reflected in her eyes.
Meredith: If this is going to work between us, if we are going to try this again, we can't dwell on the past. Now, I am allowed to bring it up in fights and use it to my advantage, but we right now....right now we need to focus on the present...our present and our future.
Derek smiles at her and reaches up and brushes a strand of hair out of her face.
Derek: How did I ever get so lucky to find you?
Meredith smirks.
Meredith: I honestly have no idea.
Meredith giggles as Derek pulls her into a warm embrace. He inhales deeply and takes in the scent of her hair. He sighs contentedly. He pulls back and smiles, his smile reaching his eyes for the first time in forever.
Derek: So, what would you like for dinner?
Meredith shrugs.
Meredith: I don't really care, as long as it's not Chinese.
Derek chuckles.
Derek: You aren't very hard to please.
Meredith: I'm just not a picky eater...but I am very hard to please.
Meredith smirks and Derek starts to say something but thinks better of it. Meredith notices his hesitation and giggles.
Meredith: Derek, just because we aren't having sex, doesn't mean we can't joke about it...
Derek (sighing): I know...I just..
Meredith: I know. But stop it. Stop walking on egg shells...just be yourself. I mean, you can suck up and pamper me, of course, but I still want you to be you.
Derek grins at Meredith.
Derek: I love you, you know that right?
Meredith smirks at him.
Meredith: I know.
Meredith goes back to reading the journal as Derek begins to prepare dinner for them. He watches her for a moment without her noticing him. He loves the way that she furrows her brow when in deep concentration and the way she runs her finger up and down the page as she reads. He loves the way that she occasionally mouths the words as she is trying to comprehend a concept. He loves all of these things about her. He loves everything about her, because he loves her. These small things, these ticks, they make her who she is. He appreciates them and takes pleasure in observing them.
She looks up and finds him observing her. A smile curves the edges of her mouth.
Meredith: What are you doing?
Derek smiles broadly at her.
Derek: Watching you.
Meredith: I know that. But why?
Derek: I just...I missed you and I...I want to remember everything...I want to take advantage of every moment...
Meredith tilts her head to the side and smiles at him.
Meredith (in a sarcastic tone): That is a bit stalkerish, Derek.
Derek shrugs.
Meredith: That's okay though. I think I would like to have you as my stalker.
Derek arches his eyebrows and smirks.
Derek: Really now?
Meredith shrugs.
Meredith: Don't let it go to your head...your ego is already big enough..
Derek playfully pouts and Meredith giggles. Just as Derek starts to walk towards Meredith, they hear a cry on the baby monitor. Meredith immediately stands up and starts to walk out of the kitchen. She stops when she is standing in the doorway and she looks back at Derek, who is still watching her.
Meredith: Why don't you turn off the food and come help me?
Derek begins to looks excited and hopeful.
Derek: Seriously?
Meredith smiles warmly at him and reaches out her hand.
Meredith: Seriously.
Derek quickly turns off the oven and walks towards Meredith. He places his hand in hers and they walk upstairs to tend to their children...together.
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Meredith pushes the door to the nursery open and smiles back at Derek before walking in. Derek inahles deeply before following behind her. This is something that he has been waiting his whole life for. He feels excitement mixed with nervousness. This is going to be the first time that he holds his daughter and his son. Wow. Such a big moment. He doesn't really know how to grasp it. Those two amazingly beautiful children are his and Meredith's and now, now he is going to hold them. He is going to feel them breathing and their heartbeats. He loves the sound of their shrill cries. He loves everything about them.

He watches as Meredith reaches in and pickes up their son, Derek Michael. He smiles to himself as he think about the fact that she named their son after him. That after everything that he did to her she still thought of him and she still loves him. His eyes meet hers as she walks towards him, Michael in her arms. His eyes begin to fill with tears as do hers as Meredith carefully places Michael in the arms of his father for the first time.

Derek cradles the bundle of joy in his arms and pulls him in close to his chest. He wants to be as close to his son as possible without smothering him. He wants his son to know that he loves him, that he will always love him. He looks down at the crying baby and can't help but chuckle at his dark hair and bright blue eyes. He is definately a Shepherd. He has Meredith's nose. That is for sure. He smiles back up at Meredith as she hands him the bottle.

He takes a moment before he begins to feed his son for the first time. He wants to remember everything about this moment, every sight, every sound, every movement, he wants all of these things imprinted on his memory forever. Finally, he places the bottle in Michael's mouth. He can't help but chuckle at his son's eagerness in eating. He watches as he sucks on the bottle, mesmerized by this tiny being. This tiny being that is a part of him. A part of Meredith. A product of their love and need to be together. He looks up at Meredith again and sees her watching him. They both now have tears running down their faces.

Meredith watches as Derek quietly feeds their son. She can't believe she denied him the first four weeks. She can't believe it. She really hates herself for it. Seeing Derek care for their son makes Meredith's heart melt. This is how it is supposed to be. Both of them taking care of their children, together. He looks like such a natural. He is so comfortable and happy. She can see it in his eyes. She feels the tears running down her cheeks as she thinks about the perfection of this moment and how she wishes that it would last forever. He raises his head and she sees the tears in his eyes as well. She smiles warmly at him before walking over to the crib of their daughter.

She reaches down and lifts Maddie out of the crib. She walks over to stand next to the spot where Derek is rocking their son to sleep in his arms. She stands next to him and their eyes meet and both can't help but think that this is their family. Finally, after all of this time they are a family.

Meredith rocks Maddie in her arms, but doesn't begin to feed her. Derek notices this and raises an eyebrow in question.

Meredith (in a whisper): I thought that you would want to feed her.

Derek smiles happily at Meredith and more tears run down his face.

Derek(in a whisper): Thank you.

Meredith(in a whisper): It's no problem. She is your daughter.

Derek looks deep into her eyes.

Derek(in a whisper): No. I mean thank you. Thank you for giving me a family of my own and for being a part of that family. Thank you so much.

Meredith hears the earnestness in his voice and she feels her heart flutter. She watches him as he burps Michael before walking over and placing the now slumbering Michael in his crib. She smiles as Derek places a light kiss on the infant's forehead. He is so natural with his son, like it is something that he has been doing every day for the last four weeks.

Derek(whispering): Daddy loves you, little man.

Derek straightens up and walks over to Meredith, a smile plastered on his face.Meredith smiles warmly at him.

Meredith (in a whisper): Ready to feed your daughter?

Derek smiles broadly at her as Meredith places their daughter in Derek's waiting arms. Derek looks down at Maddie and gently places a kiss on her forehead as he waits for Meredith to hand him the bottle. He proceeds with the feeding just as he did for his son. He imprints every moment in his memory.

He still can't get over the fact that the pink bundle in his arms is his daughter. He has a daughter...and a son. He is a father to two beautiful babies. He already feels his heart swell with pride because of his children. He doesn't want this moment to end. He makes a silent promise to himself to always protect them and care for them.

He glances at Meredith as he walks around the room, rocking his daughter to sleep while feeding her. Their eyes meet and they partake in a silent conversation. Both expressing their happiness at the current moment and their love for the other. Derek walks towards Meredith, Maddie still in his arms, and leans foreward and kisses her on the forehead. This minor contact sends electricity through both of their bodies. Both crave the intimacy they have missed for so long, but both knowing that they need to take things slow.

Meredith sits down in the rocking chair as Derek continues to feed and rock Maddie. She feels her heart swell with pride at her own little family. Derek finishes feeding Maddie and proceeds to burp her. He is so gentle and careful with her, but also so natural. She just can't stop thinking about how natural he is with all of this.

Derek looks at her before he places the now sleeping Maddie in her crib. He leans down and runs his thumb along her cheek before kissing her once more on the forehead.

Derek(in a whisper): Daddy loves you, my little princess.

Derek then walks over to Meredith, who is still sitting in the rocking chair. He sighs as he leans down and kisses her on her hair.

Derek(into her hair): They are amazing. You did good.

Meredith leans back so that she is now looking in his eyes. Derek places each hand on an arm of the chair.

Meredith(in a whisper): We...we did good.

Derek smiles at her as he gets lost in her green eyes. Meredith reaches her hands up and places them on either side of his face. Her skin tingles under the contact as she proceeds the run her fingers along his face. She feels his hot breath on her face, sending chills down her spine.

Meredith(leaning in and in a deep husky voice): Der...

Derek's name rolls off of her tongue like velvet and sends chills down his spine. He cocks his head slightly to the side and leans in. His mouth is not only inches from Meredith's. Both feel their lips twitching in anticipation. Meredith leans forward and closes the gap between their lips. Upon first contact both let out a moan of relief. The kiss begins slow and full of longing before quickly turning into a passionate and hungry kiss.

Meredith runs her tongue along Derek's bottom lip before sucking on it. She runs her fingers through his hair while pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. She opens her mouth slightly, allowing the entrance of his tongue. They moan into each other's mouths, releasing a small amount of the pent up sexual frustrations. Their tongues mesh together as they become reacquainted. They seperate only when they need to catch their breath. Derek leans his forehead against Meredith's as he gently strokes her hair.

Derek: God, I've missed you.

Meredith smiles warmly at him.

Meredith: I've missed you too. I love you.

Derek: I love you too.

Meredith runs her hands up and down Derek's arms that are on either side of her. She loves the feel of his skin under hers. She loves everything about him.

Meredith: We...we should go eat dinner.

Derek smiles warmly at her and nods. He backs up and allows her to stand. She begins to walk towards the door, but stop before exiting. She reaches out her hand to him and he steps forward and eagerly envelops it in his own. He looks back at the cribs.

Derek: Goodnight Derek Michael Shepherd and Madeline Elizabeth Shepherd.

He squeezes Meredith's hand gently before exiting the nursery with her after his first time putting his children to bed. He has a family. He has a family with the woman that he loves most in this world and he couldn't be much happier. The only thing that could make him happier would be to make this woman his forever, but all in good time. One step at a time. One small step at a time.