Wish You Were Here

Chapter 4

Meredith is now almost eight months pregnant and on bed rest. She hasn't returned to the trailer since that night. She tries not to think about him and no one even dares to mention him around her. She has tried to call him, but she can't. She is too scared. Everyone helped her decorate the nursery. It is decorated in ferryboats and stars. The furniture is all mahogany and the colors are mainly indigo blue, bright yellow, and silver. She made sure that there was some part of Derek in this room.
Her stomach...well, her stomach is huge. She gets up at all hours of the night to go to the bathroom because one of them is always kicking her bladder. They are her reason to live right now. They have gotten her through the last three months. They cause her to think about the future instead of dwelling on the past. Their future...not hers. She doesn't like to think about her future too much...not unless it's in relation to her children. She still often wonders how she is going to take care of two newborn babies. She knows that everyone is going to be there. Well, not everyone. He's not. She feels the tears start to well up in her eyes and she decides to quickly focus her attention on something else.
She looks down at the blanket she is attempting to knit. It is indigo blue. For her son. She is also knitting a silver blanket for her daughter. It keeps her occupied while her roommates are at work. She is also watching television, but her attention is focused mainly on her knitting.
She stands up and heads to the kitchen. She stubs her toe on one of George's shoes.
Meredith: Damn it! Damn it, George.
She bends dow to pick up the shoe, but she can't. Her large belly prevents her. She feels the tears begin to run down her face. She picks up the phone and dials George's number.
(The cell phone conversation)
George: Hello?
Meredith: Damn it, George, why do you have to leave your damn shoes lying everywhere?
George: Are you okay, Meredith?
Meredith: No, I'm not okay. I stubbed my damn toe on your damn shoe!
George begins to feel flustered.
George: I...I...I'm sorry.
Meredith: That doesn't help my toe, does it George?
George: No...I..
Meredith: No. It doesn't. I can't even bend down to pick the damn shoe up. You know why George?
George knows why but is too scared to say it.
Meredith: Because of my big fat belly. I am a fat whale who can't even pick up a shoe off of the floor!
Meredith is now crying hysterically.
Meredith: I am big, fat, and ugly and nobody wants me. I am horny, George. I am horny and I can't have sex because I don't have anyone to have sex with. The asshole who knocked me up, with twins nonetheless, well who knows where the hell that prick is...I need for you to pick up after yourself George, because I can't be your mother too. Damn it!
Meredith hangs up on George and George continues to stare at the phone, dumbstruck. Izzie notices the look on George's face.
Izzie: Meredith?
George just nods.
Izzie: Give her a break. She has been on bed rest for a week. She is going crazy.
George: Yeah.
(Scene switches back to Meredith)
Meredith waddles into the kitchen. She's looking through the cabinets when she feels a pain in her abdomen. She grabs her stomach in pain.
Meredith: No. It's too early. No.
Meredith continues to search through the cabinets for food. She finds some crackers and sits down at the bar. She nibbles on the crackers and drinks some juice, hoping that she doesn't have another contraction.
It has now been ten minutes since her first pain and Meredith is beginning to think that she is in the clear. She starts walking towards the living room when she feels another contraction.
Meredith: Shit!
Meredith picks up the phone and dials a taxi.She is alone. Of course she is alone when this starts to happen. Karma. Damn mother freaking karma. Such a freaking bitch. She has the taxi take her to Seattle Grace Hospital. She steps out of the taxi and walks through the front doors of the hospital. Right now her contractions are about twelve minutes apart. Oh God. She is about to give birth. Maybe they can stop the labor. Oh God, let them be able to stop the labor. She is not ready for this.
She walks in the front doors and Bailey sees her and walks up to her.
Bailey: Grey, what the hell are you doing here? You are suppose to be on bed rest.
Before Meredith can speak she feels another contraction, this one stronger than the last one. She grabs her stomach and places a hand on the counter. Bailey looks at her.
Bailey: Oh my God, you are in labor, aren't you?
Meredith just nods as she tries to breathe through the contraction.
Bailey (yelling): I need someone to get me a wheelchair and page Dr. Montgomery! STAT!
Just then Izzie spots Meredith and runs over to her and Bailey.
Izzie: Meredith?? Are you okay? It was just a shoe...you didn't need to come down here...
Bailey: Stevens! She is in labor, you fool.
Izzie's mouth falls agape.
Izzie: But...it's early.
Meredith: I know. It's too early. Oh my God. This is my fault. It is too early.
Addison walks up and begins to walk next to Meredith as Izzie pushes the wheelchair.
Addison: This is not your fault. How far apart are the contractions?
Meredith: About twelve minutes...and they are getting stronger.
Addison: Okay. Once we get upstairs I will do a quick exam and I can try to stop the labor. Even if I can't you are far enough along that everything should be okay.
Meredith: It's too early.
Meredith begins to cry.
Addison stops Izzie from pushing the wheelchair and kneels down in front of Meredith.
Addison: Meredith, Look at me.
Meredith looks at Addison.
Addison: Your children are in good hands. This is not abnormal for twins. Everything will be fine. I promise.
Meredith: Thank you.
Addison smiles warmly at her and stands back up. They resume their movement towards the OB/GYN floor.
Once they reach her room, Addison does the exam.
Addison: Okay, Meredith you are only at two centimeters. I can try to stop the labor from progressing if you want me too, but I think that both boy and girl are developed enough to be delivered today.
Meredith now has tears running down her face.
Meredith: I'm not ready. I'm..I can't do this. I can't do this. Oh my God. I can't do this.
Addison: Yes you can, Meredith. You are strong. They need you to be strong for them. You can do this.
Meredith just nods. Addison leaves the room and Izzie, George, and Cristina enter. George is holding a video camera.
Izzie: Are you sure about this, Meredith?
Meredith: Yes. I want you to record it. If he can't be here, I want him to be able to watch it later.
Izzie: You know, you could call him...
Meredith sends Izzie a death glare.
Izzie: Okay, just saying..
Meredith sighs.
Meredith: I know........hand me my phone.
Izzie: Are you sure about this?
Meredith: Hand me my damn phone, Izzie?
Just then another contraction hits Meredith and she grips the side of the bed. She squeezes her eyes closed and she tries to breathe through the contraction.
Izzie: It's okay Meredith, I'm here. You can squeeze my hand.
Meredith just shakes her off and grabs the cellphone out of her hand. As soon as the contraction is over, Meredith dials a familiar number. She inhales deeply before pressing send.
You can do this Meredith. He is the father of your children. He deserves to know. He deserves to know that he is about to be a father, hopefully soon. Because if I have to go through this shit for too long...
Meredith: I can't do this.
Izzie: Yes, you can. Just press send.
Meredith: NO I CAN'T!
Meredith throws the cellphone against the wall, shattering it into pieces. Izzie just stares at her in shock. George puts the camera down.
Meredith looks at him.
Meredith: No, George. I want you to film it all. I want him to be able to watch it and it be like he was here. Only he's not here. I am here. All alone. I can't do this. I can't do this without him. Why did he have to leave me. Oh God. I can't do this. I need him. Oh my God.
She feels another contraction. This one more intense than the last ones. She screams out in pain and grabs onto the rail of the bed. Izzie moves to comfort her.
Meredith: Don't touch me.
Izzie: But Meredith...
Meredith: NO! I need him, Izzie. I need him. I can't do this. I...I can't...he...I need him...Oh God...
Meredith is now sobbing.
Izzie: Do you want me to call him?
Meredith: NO! He....he doesn't love me...I...he wouldn't have left if he doesn't love me....oh God...he said it was because he loves me...but...oh God...I can't...I need him....I need him so bad...
Meredith begins to sob even harder and against all protests Izzie climbs up in the bed behind Meredith. Meredith falls back against Izzie and begins to sob into her chest. Izzie runs her hands through Meredith's hair. Just then Cristina runs through the door.
Meredith looks at her.
Meredith: I...I thought you were in surgery...
Cristina (breathless): I was....but...my person...is giving birth...to my mini people...so...I ran here...damn...
Meredith can't help but smile.
Meredith: You are getting soft.
Cristina: Shut up.
She looks around the room and sees the broken cell phone.
Cristina: What the hell happened?
Izzie: She tried to call Derek.
Cristina arches her eyebrows.
Meredith: Bad idea.
Cristina: I'll say.
Just then Meredith feels another contraction. She grips the side of the bed as she tries to breathe through it. Izzie is rubbing her back and Cristina brings a wet towell to wipe her forehead that is breaking out in a sweat.
Meredith: Shit...shit...ouch...damn him....and his....stupid...boy...penis..
Just then Burke walks in.
Burke: How's it going, Grey?
Meredith: I hate penises.
Burke: Okay, then.
Burke turns around and leaves.
Izzie: I think you scared him.
Cristina: Good. I don't want him getting ideas.
They all laugh.
Meredith's labor lasts for twelve long hours. She refuses drugs up until about the eighth hour, when she can no longer take the pain and is so worn out from the contractions. George tapes the whole thing.
On November 12th, at 5:45am Meredith Grey gives birth to a healthy baby boy and a healthy baby girl. She names the girl Madeline Elizabeth Shepherd and she names the boy Derek Michael Shepherd, II. All of her friends think that she is crazy, but she doesn't care. She has always wanted to name her first born son after his father. She is holding the twins after they have been checked out by Addison and they have all been cleaned up.
She looks down into their bright blue eyes and is immediately in love with them. They have full heads of dark hair. It is the first thing Addison saw while she was delivering them and she couldn't help but think how much like their father they already are.
Meredith: I love you both so much. Mommy loves you so much and so does your daddy. I promise. I will tell him about you soon. You guys deserve to have both a mommy and a daddy, yes you do.
All of her friends watch this interaction and George records it. Izzie has a tear running down her face.
Meredith: George, bring the camera closer so Madeline and Derek Michael, Jr. can say hello to their daddy for the first time.
George brings the camera around to Meredith's side and focuses the lens on the two babies that clearly are the progeny of their mother and father. The babies open their eyes and the bright blue pools are accompanies by their mom's green seas as they look into the lens. The last image before the camera dies is of the three of them as a family looking into the lens of the camera.
Meredith feels true happiness for the first time since he left. She still doesn't feel complete. She still wants him. She still misses him. She still needs him. She still loves him. But now, now her world revolves around the two tiny creatures that she is holding in her hands and they, they make the pain bearable. They are so much like him. They are so much like him that her heart aches for him, but she hopes that by loving them and taking care of them, she hopes that by doing these things, that he will eventually come back. He will come back and make her little family complete.
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Meredith wakes up in the middle of the night. She is still in the hospital room. The twins are in the nursery for the night. She looks around the dark and empty room. She places her hand on her now empty stomach. She doesn't remember ever feeling so alone. Before at least she had her babies inside of her. Now, now in this moment, she is alone.
Meredith rolls over onto her side and brings her knees up to her chest. She stares out of the window and watches as the rain drops slowly make their way down the window pane. How did she end up here? She already loves her children, she really does, but how is she going to do this alone? She could call him, but that time has already come and gone. He will probably hate her for missing the birth of his children. Oh God, she wouldn't be able to take it if he hates her. She..oh God, what if he hates her? How is it that he has been gone for seven months and it still hurts just as much? How is it that her love for him hasn't faded or been replaced by hate? Sure, she is angry. She is angry as hell that he left her. But more than anything she is hurt. She feels like her heart has been completely broken and he walked off with a large part of it. A part that she will not be able to get back until he returns. Until he returns and they can be a family.
No. She can't keep doing this to herself. After she gets home, she needs to start fresh. She needs to let go. She can't keep thinking about the what ifs and the things that weren't. She needs to enjoy her time with her children and not dwell on her own unhappiness and her own loneliness. She may sleep alone in bed at night, but at least she has two beautiful miracles to love. Two beautiful miracles who are clearly their father's children. They are like mirror images of him. The eyes and the hair.
A few tears run down her face. She misses him. She can't deny that she misses him. Sobs begin to shake her tired frame. She wants to share this with him. She wants to share the joys of parenting or whatever with him. She wants to watch him walk around with his daughter nestled deep in his arms as he tries to protect her from the dangers of the outside world. Oh God. She needs him. She wants him. Their children need him. She needs him. She wants to watch him looking proudly into the eyes of his son as he discusses sports and tries to explain them to the infant. She wants to hear him singing their children to sleep in his deep, husky, soothing voice. She wants him. Oh God does she want him.
She squeezes her eyes shut in an attempt to stop the tears, but they just keep coming. Stupid estrogen. Yeah, she will blame it on the estrogen. Meredith sobs herself into a fitful sleep, full of dreams about the past and full of hopes for the future.
(Scene switches to New York City)
Derek lies in his big, cold bed staring up at the ceiling. For some reason he has had this feeling in his gut. He is waiting for it to pass, but it's not. Just like his love for Meredith. He has been waiting for seven months for his pain to pass, but it hasn't. It's just as intense as it was the moment he placed that note in her locker and walked out of Seattle Grace. He runs his hands over his face. Maybe she has met someone new. For some twisted reason he hopes not. He still only pictures her as the mother of his children. He still only pictures growing old with her. He misses her so much.
Derek sits up on his elbows in the bed. The light is beginning to come in through the window. He looks at the clock next to the bed. It is only 6am. He doesn't have to be at the hospital until 8am. He looks at his cellphone. He sees that he has a text message. It's from Mark.
Derek runs his hand roughly through his hair.
Derek: What the hell...I thought he got the hint.
Derek opens his phone to read the message. It says "Congratulations"
Derek: For what? What the hell is he talking about?
Derek considers texting him back, but decides to not even worry about it. Derek jumps in the shower. The hot water cascades of his firm, muscular body. He thinks about her. He thinks about all of the showers that they had together, about all of the showers that he wants to take with her in the future. He chuckles as he thinks about the time that she tried to give him sex advice in the elevator. She had called and interrupted bad sex. In the elevator she told him to try the bendy thing that he did in the shower. That is a good memory. Not the circumstances of the conversation, but seeing her smile. Her smile takes his breath away. He wants to do the bendy thing with her again and no one else. He misses her. He loves her. He needs her. He feels the tears begin to build up behind his eyelids. His body fights to keep them from falling.
Every part of his body aches for her, needs her. He inhales deeply and misses the smell of lavender that used to fill his lungs when she was around.
He can't take this anymore. He needs to go back. He needs to find his way back to her, back to himself. He hopes that she doesn't hate him. What if she hates him? What is she is still with Finn? Oh God. He needs her. He just needs to be around her. Even if he can't be with her, he needs to be around her. He needs to love her. He needs to breathe her in. He just....he needs her.
He gets out of the shower with the resolution formed in his mind. He would try to find his way back to Seattle, back to his heart, back to his life, back to his love.
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It has been four weeks since little Maddie and Michael were born. Meredith had decided to call her son by his middle name. Calling him Derek was just too hard.
She is tired. No wait. She is exhausted. Waking up every two or three hours of the night to change or feed her children. Izzie and George help as much as they can, but she does't expect them to help much. They are still working and Meredith is on maternity leave.
Everyone has been acting weird around Meredith the past couple of days. Almost like they have soemthing they want to say, but they don't really know how to say it.
She loves her children. She loves her children more than she ever thought was possible. She sees their father in them. Everyone sees their father in them, but everyone has learned not to say anything about it.
Meredith is staring out of the window of her bedroom. She misses him. They are supposed to be doing this together. All of it. He is supposed to be lying next to her in bed, keeping her warm and loving her. As much as she wants to hate him, she can't. As much as she wants to hate him, she loves him.
She hears her roommates moving around and decides to go have a cup of coffee with them. She swings her legs over the side of the bed and grabs the baby monitor before heading downstairs. She pushes the kitchen door open and is instantly greeted with the scent of coffee.
Meredith: Coffee. MmmmMm.
Izzie looks at Meredith. Meredith looks exhausted. She has bags under her eyes and her hair is up in a messy ponytail.
Izzie: Good morning.
Meredith (mumbles): Morning.
Izzie: How were they last night?
Meredith: I think I slept for about two hours.
Izzie: You know you could always get some help...
Meredith: No. I want to spend as much time with my children as possible before I go back to work.
George: When are you coming back?
Meredith: Four weeks.
Izzie: Why are you going back so soon?
Meredith: Because...I need to cut. I am a resident. I need to cut. I am a surgeon. I am a mother. But I am still a surgeon.
Izzie: I know you are.
Meredith: Okay then.
Izzie: So, you have your doctor's appointment today?
Meredith: Yeah.
Izzie: What time?
Meredith: 10:30.
Izzie: You should eat lunch with us.
Meredith: Yeah, I think I might do that.
Izzie: Good. Do you want me to watch the twins during your doctor's appointment?
Meredith looks a little apprehensive.
Izzie: It will be fine. Bailey won't mind. Everyone keeps asking me about them. They can't wait to see them.
Meredith forces a smile.
George: They are so cute.
Meredith: They look just like their father.
Everyone gets silent. Finally, George clears his throat.
George: Mere, there is something that we need to tell you.
Meredith looks in between her two roommates.
Meredith: What?
George elbows Izzie in the ribs.
Izzie: Ow. Okay, Mer, don't get mad at us. Promise?
Meredith: Just spit it out. I am sleep deprived, sex deprived, and covered in baby vomit.
Izzie(in a sudden outburst): McDreamy's back.
Meredith's mouth falls agape. She looks between the two people. Tears begin to run down her eyes.
Meredith (in a whisper): Does he know?
Izzie shakes her head no.
Izzie: He just got back the day before yesterday. He has been asking about you. We just told him you were on leave. He will be there today. So, we just thought you should know.
Meredith just nods.
Meredith: Oh God. I...What if I see him today? Oh God. What if he sees the twins? I can't...I can't do this.
Izzie walks around and stands in front of Meredith.
Izzie: You can do this. You have to do this. He still loves you. He looks like hell and you can see the pain flash across his face when he asks about you. You can do this. You have to do this. You have to do this for yourself. You have to do this for Maddie and Michael.
Meredith just nods.
Izzie: Why don't you go take a quick shower before we leave? I will listen for the twins.
Meredith just nods and hands the baby monitor to Izzie.She walks numbly up stairs and steps into the shower. As soon as the warm water hits her skin, she collapses onto the floor of the shower as sobs begin to wrack her body.
Oh God. He's back. I've been waiting for this. Oh God. What if he hates me? What will he say? What am I going to do? Oh God. I miss him. I miss him so much. They need him. I need him. What if he hates me? I can't make it if he hates me. I need him. I need him so much. I love him. why can't I hate him. I...Oh God....Oh God...What if I see him today? What if he sees them today? Will he know? He has to know. They looks just like him. Oh God. Oh God. I need him. I miss him. I love him. Oh God.
After about ten minutes of these thoughts running through her head, Meredith stands up and finishes her shower. She walks down the hall and goes into the nursery. Her babies are sleeping so she walks and stands in between their cribs.
Meredith (in a whisper): Mommy loves you guys. She loves you so much. You saved me. I love you both so so much.
Tears begin to run down her face.
Meredith (in a whisper): We may meet your daddy today. He will love you guys. I mean, who couldn't love you. You are like your daddy in that way. You have his hair and his eyes. We are really going to have to keep an eye on you guys when you get older. I just...I hope your daddy doesn't hate me because...well...because he doesn't know about you guys yet. I could never bring myself to call him and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you guys don't know him yet. He really is amazing. He's going to love you both so much. He is going to spoil you both. He will play catch with you, Michael. And he will intimidate all of your boyrfriends, Maddie. You guys will love him and he will love you. I just...I hope he still loves me. I want us to be a family. Even though he left...I still want us to be a family...because...well...he is the love of my life. Anyways...I love you guys. Get some more sleep. We have a big day ahead of us. Mommy loves you both and sweet dreams.
Meredith walks out of the nursery and back downstairs. She walks into the kitchen and sees Izzie. Izzie has tears running down her face. Meredith starts to question her, but then she sees the baby monitor.
Izzie: Don't worry. My lips are sealed.
Meredith just nods. Meredith looks around the kitchen and sees that George is gone.
Izzie: He already left.
Meredith nods.
Meredith: Thank you for watching them.
Izzie: No problem. I'm their Auntie Izzie.
Izzie smiles and hands the baby monitor back to Meredith.
Izzie: I will talk to Bailey about watching the twins during your appointment.
Meredith: Thanks.
There is a silence.
Meredith: Izzie?
Izzie: Yeah?
Meredith; Do you think he will hate me? You know, for not telling him?
Izzie sighs.
Izzie: I don't think he could ever hate you. He loves you too much....If anything...he will hate himself for leaving you. I mean, he even asked us about Finn. The only thing that he knows is that you are single. We haven't told him anything else. I think he thinks that you are out of town.
Meredith just nods.
Meredith: Thank you.
Izzie: No problem. I will see you later.
Meredith: Yeah. See you.
Izzie starts to walk out the door but stops and turns around.
Izzie: It will be hard, but after it is over, everything will be better. He will love them and he has never stopped loving you.
Meredith forces a smile and Izzie leaves.
Meredith: I hope so.