Wish You Were Here

Chapter 5

Meredith struggles to get the twins into the car. It is not easy taking care of two infants by yourself.
As Meredith makes her way to the hospital her thoughts are taken over by images of Derek. What is she sees him? What if he sees the twins? What will his reaction be when he finds out that he is a father? She is so wrapped up in these thoughts that she doesn't even realize she is at the hospital until she puts her car in park.
She looks around the parking lot, unsure of exactly what she is looking for. It has been four weeks since they were born. Three weeks since she has been here. She knows that everyone will swarm them and she smiles at this thoughts. She is already proud of her children. They are beautiful and both of them are already developing a personality. She parks the car and gets the stroller out of the back. It is a cold day so she makes sure to place a blanket over the top of the stroller to protect them from the wind. She takes a deep breath as she heads into the hospital, unsure of what to expect.
She walks into the familiar front doors of the hospital and immediately spots Izzie. Izzie comes running over to her and removes the blanket.
Izzie: They are so cute. (in a baby voice) Yes, you are.
Meredith: I was thinking that we could go up to the surgical floor. The Chief has been asking me about them all week.
Izzie nods and notices the look of apprehension on Meredith's face.
Izzie: He asks about you every day.
Meredith just nods as they wait for the elevator. She looks over at Izzie.
Meredith: Do you think he will hate me?
Izzie: No. He would never hate you.
The elevator doors open and Meredith and Izzie step on. There are several people on the elevator, but not of them are Derek. Meredith is somewhat relieved. All of the people look at the babies and talk to Meredith about how cute they are. Meredith smiles proudly in acknowledgement.
Meredith and Izzie get off of the elevator and she instantly hears a familiar voice.
Bailey: It's about dang time that you brought them here.
Bailey leans down at looks at the sleeping infants.
Bailey: I must say Grey, you did good.
Meredith: Thank you, Dr. Bailey. I have to go to my appointment now, but I will be back down here soon.
Izzie nods.
Izzie: Are we still doing lunch?
Meredith: Of course.
Meredith leans down to the twins.
Meredith: Mommy will be back soon. I love you guys.
She straightens up.
Meredith: Page me if you need me, or if something goes wrong, or..
Izzie: It's okay, Meredith. We will be fine.
Izzie smiles at her. Michael starts to stir and Izzie reaches down and picks him up.
Izzie: Now go. The sooner you go the sooner you get back.
Meredith smiles.
Meredith: You're right.
Meredith heads down the hall to meet Addison for her check up. She is rounding the corner when she walks right into someone, knocking several papers out of their hand.
Meredith: I'm so sorry.
She bends down to pick up the papers, but the person isn't moving. They are transfixed on her form standing before them. She stands up and immediately gasps as she meets a pair of deep blue eyes that she hasn't seen in eight months. She quickly hands him the files. She struggles to find her voice, but when she does it is broken and light. He can't speak, still stunned at her sudden appearance before him. She looks tired, beautiful, but her eyes are so tired. He sees the pain he has caused her flash through them as her eyes meet his momentarily before she looks away.
Meredith: I...um...I...have to go.
She doesn't allow him to speak before taking off down the hallway. He turns to watch her and starts to follow her when he sees her meet up with Addison.
Addison: Hello, Meredith. How are you?
Addison notices the palor of Meredith and looks to see Derek standing down the hall.
Meredith: Fine. I'm fine.
Addison: Well, just follow me and we will do your check up.
Meredith wordlessly follows Addison. Derek stands there thinking about why Meredith is seeing Addison. He just shrugs his shoulders as he walks towards the nurses' station, hoping to see her again before she leaves. He turns the corner and is greeted by a crowd of people surrounding a stroller and Izzie Stevens holding a dark haired infant. His face brightens at the sight of the baby. He loves children.
He walks forward and notices that there are two babies, twins. His smile grows even wider. Twins run in his family. No one notices him approach. They are all too engrossed with the babies.
Derek: So, who do these two precious beings belong to?
Izzie looks up at Derek, shock and panic written on her face. Derek misses the look.
Derek: I didn't know you were pregnant when I left, Stevens...
Izzie: Oh no, they aren't mine...
Derek raises an eyebrow.
Derek: Oh. They are adorable.
Izzie: Yeah, they are.
Derek: What are their names?
Izzie: Well, we call this one here Michael and the one that George is holding is Madeline, but we call her Maddie.
Derek: Those are great names.
Derek smiles but can't help to feel a pang in his chest. Maddie starts crying and George can't get her to stop.
Derek: May I?
George looks at Izzie for an answer. Izzie nods her head. George hands Maddie to Derek. Derek can't help but notice her dark hair and bright blue eyes. He looks down on the infant and she looks into his eyes. She grabs onto his pinky finger as he gently rocks her in his arms. He feels a pang in his heart. He wants chldren. He wants children with Meredith. He can't help but smile at the thought. She immediately calms down. Everyone's mouths fall agape. Most of them know that he is the father. They also know that he doesn't know that he is the father.
Derek chuckles.
Derek: I think she likes me.
Izzie smiles widely.
Izzie: Yeah. I think she does.
Derek: So, who do they belong to/
Before anyone can answer, Derek's pager begins to go off. He gently hands Maddie back to George and walks to the nurses' station to answer his page. He talks on the phone for a while. He hears the cries of the babies break out again and can't help but chuckle as Izzie attempts to calm them. He looks down at the chart in front of him and is reading it when a voice carries deep into his soul.
Voice: What did you do? Are they okay? You should have paged me?
Derek's mouth falls agape as he looks up and sees Izzie handing Michael to Meredith. Meredith takes Michael into her arms and whispers calming words into his ear as she gently rocks him. He sees her say something to Izzie and Izzie reaches down and gets a bottle out of the diaper bag. Maddie is still crying and George is trying to comfort her. He hangs up the phone and walks over towards her. Is Meredith a mother? And then another thought occurs to him. The hair and the eyes. The name Michael. Oh God. Is he a father? If he a father and he doesn't even know it? He swallows the huge lump in his throat as he continues to walk towards Meredith, unsure of the answers to the questions that he is currently asking himself.
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Meredith looks down at her babies as she thinks about the very brief encounter she had with their father just a short time before. She smiles as she looks down into the bright blue eyes of her baby boy.
Meredith (in a baby voice): Are you hungry?
She puts the bottle in his mouth and he eagerly begins to drink its contents.
Meredith giggles.
Meredith: Yes you are.
She feels Izzie nudge her sharply in the side. She looks over at her and follows her gaze. Crap. Derek is walking over and he has a questioning look on his face. He sees the look of panic in her eyes as she sees him approaching.
Maddie starts crying loudly and he sees her struggle to placate both babies. She is definately their mother. He can't help but feel his lips curl up a bit at the sight of her with her children. She looks exhausted, but she is still and will always be beautiful.
Derek inhales deeply as he approaches her. This is it. This is the moment that both of them have been waiting for. Her friends are around, but he doesn't care. She is tending to her children, but he doesn't care. He needs to speak to her. He needs to hear her voice. He needs to look into her eyes. He needs to tell her how he feels. He needs to find out if he is a father. His heart jumps at this thought, but then it begins to ache as he thinks about what he has missed. Then it hits him. The calls from Mark and the text message. Mark tried to tell him. Mark tried to tell him and he ignored him. Why hadn't Meredith told him?
Meredith begins to panic as he is only a few feet away. She can feel his intense gaze on her. She looks helplessly at Izzie.
Meredith: We should go. It's cold outside and I don't want to keep them out too long.
Izzie: I thought that you were going to take them to see the Chief?
Meredith: I will bring them back a different day. They are both being really fussy today and I think the sooner I can get them home the better...
Izzie: But...what about lunch?
Meredith: Crap. Fine.
She leans in towards Izzie to whisper in her ear.
Meredith: You better not leave my side or I will kill you.
Izzie just smiles at her.
Derek is close enough to Meredith that he can now smell the scent of lavender. He inhales deeply, allowing that fragrance to once again fill his lungs. A fragrance that he has missed so much. He clears his throat. Everyone becomes silent in anticipation of their reunion and wondering if he realizes that he is a father. Meredith looks up and meets his eyes. His eyes are full of regret and pain while hers are dark with hurt and anger. Both struggle to find their voice.
Meredith (barely above a whipser): Dr. Shepherd, how nice of you to grace us with your presence once again here at Seattle Grace.
Everyone's mouths fall agape at the coldness in her voice. He can tell she is hurt and her words are like daggers to his heart. The baby in her arms whimpers and she looks down and her expression immediately changes to one of complete adoration and love. Her voice is softer and calmer when she next speaks.
Meredith: It's okay, Michael baby, mommy's here. Shhh...it's okay.
Derek's heart softens and he takes another step towards Meredith and he feels the tears begin to gather in his eyes as he hears Meredith talking to her son. Her son named Michael. His middle name. His father's name. Everyone watches in anticipation.
Derek (in a cracked voice): Meredith...
Meredith whips her head around as she hears something she has been waiting eight months to hear, her name rolling off of his tongue like velvet. She feels the tears beginning to well up in her eyes and fights to maintain control over her emotions. He knows. She can see that he knows as his eyes beg her to clarify everything.
Meredith (in a whisper): Not now, not here, Derek.
Derek nods. He motions towards the twins.
Derek (in a strained voice): They are beautiful.
Meredith: Thank you. Look, I have to go. I'm supposed to have lunch with Izzie and then I need to get them home.
Meredith places Michael in the stroller next to Maddie, who had been placed in there by George shortly before. He can tell that Meredith is in pain. Meredith looks up and smiles weakly at Derek. He opens his mouth to speak but his pager cuts him off. He looks down at it.
Derek: Sorry, I have to go.
Meredith just nods and Derek runs off to answer his page, leaving several of his own questions unanswered. Meredith watches his retreating form and feels herself breaking down. She fights this urge as she looks down at her two children as a reminder for her to keep strong.
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Meredith walks into the cafeteria pushing the twins in their stroller. She immediately spots her group of interns who abandoned her as soon as Derek approached her. She sits down at the table and glares at them all.
Meredith: I hate you all.
Cristina: Whatever. Does it look like I care?
Meredith starts to answer her but Cristina gets paged. She looks down at her pager.
Cristina: Great. McDreamy is paging me. I better get a surgery.
Before anyone can respond Cristina is gone. Meredith looks at Izzie.
Meredith: You promised to not leave me alone.
Izzie: Oh, I thought you were talking about while we were eating lunch. My bad.
Meredith just rolls her eyes.
Meredith: Whatever.
Before the conversation can continue the Chief walks up and bends over the stroller.
Chief: Now how are my two favorite babies doing?
He looks up at Meredith.
Meredith: Well, they are finally sleeping more than two hours at a time. Thank God.
Chief: Well, that's good.
Meredith: Yeah. It is still hard, but we do alright. Don't we guys?
She is looking at her twins when she says these words. The Chief pats her on her back.
Chief: When are you planning on coming back to work?
Meredith: Well, originally I was going to wait another four weeks, but I don't know. Maybe a little sooner.
Chief: I don't want you to rush anything.
Meredith: I'm going insane not having adults to talk to the majority of the time.
The Chief laughs and then spots a certain neurosurgeon across the cafeteria. Derek spots the Chief and Meredith and begins to move towards them. Meredith glares at the Chief.
Meredith: You could have warned me.
Chief: Does he know yet?
Meredith sighs.
Meredith: I don't know.
Izzie: Well, it's kind of obvious isn't it?
Meredith glares at her.
Izzie: What? I'm just saying, they have his hair and eyes...if he doesn't realize that they are his then he is pretty brainless..
Meredith: Well, he has been known to be pretty brainless at times.
Izzie: That's true.
The Chief's voice interrupts their conversation.
Chief: Shep! How is it going?
Derek stands next to the Chief and looks down on the two sleeping infants.
Derek: Good. I have a craniotomy scheduled in an hour. Yang is taking care of pre-op.
Chief: Good. Have you met my godchildren?
Derek smiles and leans down to get a better view.
Derek: Yes. I have.
He looks over at Meredith.
Derek: I didn't know you were Catholic..
Meredith: Oh...I'm not...
Meredith is looking for an explanation. The truth is that she knows that Derek's family is Catholic and she wanted her children to have as big a family as possible. Izzie knows Meredith's reasons, but decides to cover for her.
Izzie: It was my idea. I'm Catholic.
Derek: Oh. I see. So, two more Grey's in the hospital.
George: Oh, there last names aren't Grey.
Meredith glares at George.
Meredith: George!
George: What? Oh, sorry.
Derek: They sure do have a full head of hair.
The Chief chuckles.
Chief: They were both born with full heads of hair. Addison said it was evident who their..
Meredith interrupts him, knowing what the next words out of his mouth would be.
Meredith: I...we...we should go...I want to get them home before they wake up.
Izzie can see that Meredith is flustered and looks at the Chief. The Chief is able to read Izzie's expression.
Chief: Stevens, why don't you take the rest of the day and we will page you if we need you.
Izzie: Thank you, Chief.
The Chief leans down to the twins.
Chief: It was good to see you Maddie and you too Junior.
Derek looks confused.
Derek: I thought it was Michael.
Chief: Oh, that is his middle name. Everyone else calls him Michael, but I call him Junior.
Meredith is even more panicked now.
Derek: Oh. So what is his first name?
He looks at Meredith for the answer and sees the panic in her eyes. Before she can answer, as if on cue, Maddie starts whimpering. Meredith bends down and quickly removes her from the stroller, hoping to lull her back to silence before she wakes up her brother. Derek thinks he knows that answer to his question and he can't help but get teary eyed at the thought that even after he left her, she would name their son after him. He thinks this. He is pretty sure of this, but he desperately seeks confirmation. His eyes meet hers as she prepares to leave and they beg for answers. Her eyes begin to fill with tears as do his. She nods slightly in an attempt to answer all of his questions and he takes a step forward.
Meredith (in a strained voice): Not now.
Izzie begins to push the stroller towards the exit and Meredith follows her. She looks back.
Meredith: See you guys later.
Her eyes meet Derek's once again before she quickly looks away, not ready for him to see her soul, her pain, her love, her hope. She follows Izzie out of the hospital and to the car in silence, her heart weighing heavy with emotion and her mind seeking to imprint every moment into her memory.
(Meanwhile back in the cafeteria)
As soon as Meredith leaves the cafeteria Derek plops down in the chair previously occupied by her and places his head in his hands in an attempt to suppress his emotions until he can be alone. He is so overwhelmed. He saw the love of his life for the first time in eight months today. Her nod confirmed that he is a father. He is a father. He needs to talk to her. He needs to talk to her as soon as possible. He looks up at the Chief with watery eyes. The Chief places a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. Just then Cristina walks back into the cafeteria.
Cristina: The patient is prepped, Dr. Shepherd.
Derek (in a strained voice): I think we are going to have to postpone the surgery or have someone else do it.
He looks up at the Chief and the Chief nods his approval. Cristina is pissed and then it hits her why he is delaying the surgery. She crosses her arms over her chest.
Cristina: You know.
Derek: I know.
Cristina: Good. Now, what are you going to do about it?
Derek: I don't know.
Cristina: Well, you better figure it out, because I can't deal with a broken Meredith any longer.
Derek: What do you mean? She doesn't look broken...
Cristina: That is because she puts on a facade.
Derek just sighs.
Derek: I thought I was doing what was best for her when I left.
Cristina: Right. Well, you weren't here to see her break down.
Derek: What do you mean?
Cristina: Did you wonder why there was a pillow covered in blood in your trailer?
A look of hurt and confusion crosses Derek's face.
Cristina: The day she found out she was having twins she disappeared from work and went to your trailer. It took me hours to find her but when I did she was curled up on your bed and had clawed herself with her fingernails and was hyperventilating.
Derek lets his face fall back in his hands.
Derek: I didn't know...I thought I was letting her be happy...
Cristina: I don't care what you thought. For some crazy reason she loves you, she still loves you, so you better fix this. I swear if you hurt her again like you did when you left I will use medieval torture devices on your ass before I put you out of your misery.
Derek: I don't want to hurt her. I never meant to hurt her.
Chief: Take the rest of the day Derek and do what you've gotta do.
Derek stands up quickly.
Derek: Thank you, Chief.
Chief: No problem. She is like a daughter to me.
Derek: Chief, why didn't you tell me?
The Chief sighs.
Chief: She asked me not to say anything to anyone.
Derek just nods before he runs out of the cafeteria thinking about how he can right the biggest mistake of his life.